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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with Dh

27 replies

Plunkett · 27/09/2012 07:26

Hello just after others opinions so I can decide if being reasonable or hormonally pregnant type person.
Dh announced in general conversation that he's been invited and is going to Christmas party of some friends in Germany in Dec. This will be 6yr old ds's last day at school and new baby will be 4 wks old ( if born due week). I said I would not be happy with him going and his reply was it was no different to him staying away with work ( he works away a lot!)
I feel it is - this will be on a weekend so no doubt mean he'll be away in week as well meaning I'll have no support with excited Ds and new born. He stated I could stay away the next weekend at my works party however I don't even know if I'll feel up to going and will hopefully be breast feeding - making it hard to stay away.
Am I wrong to think he's being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 27/09/2012 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief · 27/09/2012 07:31

Eh?

ToothbrushThief · 27/09/2012 07:32
Grin Sorry clicked on wrong thread
sookiesookie · 27/09/2012 07:33

I am one of those people who hasn't minded dh traveling for work or pleasure, even when ds was small and had dd as well.
So,imo, yabu but only a little bit.
Would he be willing to cancel if you had to have an emergency section, for example? I have always known dh would not leave me if there was an issue.

Fosgoldlady · 27/09/2012 07:33

Tell him that's fine - and to make sure he's free the following weekend when you're at the spa with your friends and unavailable whilst you're there......

CailinDana · 27/09/2012 07:34

YANBU. With a four week old and a 6 year old you'll be up to your neck in it. If you have a CS you could still be quite poorly and will probably not be able to drive. To decide to leave you alone for a weekend at that time is incredibly selfish.

sookiesookie · 27/09/2012 07:34

Also I have gone away when dcs were small. I would jump at the chance of a night away. Even if you don't do to the work do. Have a nice night in a nice hotel. :)

CailinDana · 27/09/2012 07:36

Sookie, would you be ok with being away from a bf 4 week old? I would consider a night away in those circumstances torture.

swallowedAfly · 27/09/2012 07:38

ynbu - the fact that he didn't even discuss it with you but just announced it like he has zero need to consult with and consider the family needs is shocking.

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 27/09/2012 07:39

Yes but bf a newborn means it isn't so simple as to just go away for the night is it?
Personally, I wouldn't have been too bothered because my DH works away a fair bit and so did I at one point but I can understand you being upset. Last day of school, excited about Xmas and a 4 week old baby is a lot to cope with if it isn't necessary IYSWIM.

Actually, thinking about it, I would have been pissed off if my DH was going away for pleasure rather than business in that situation.

sookiesookie · 27/09/2012 07:41

Yes Callin, I would and did. My dd was breast fed and my godfather died. We decided it would be better for me to go alone and come back the next day. I could have certainly done it for an nights r&r
You may consider it 'torture' but I think that's a bit dramatic. to am sure the OP asked for opinions. That's mine.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 27/09/2012 07:42

What if you end up having a section?

diddl · 27/09/2012 07:44

Well for me I´d be wanting him to wait until nearer the time.

A 6yr old & newborn wouldn´t automatically make it a no for me.

But sometimes when you´ve been mostly alone for the week, you just want somebody there at the weekend, even if you don´t need them.

I know that nobody loves our babies/children as much as we do-but does that apply to fathers?

Can´t imagine my husband would rather be going to a Christmas party than being with his new baby.
(unless it was a couple of hrs after work or something-but not a weekend)

Pooka · 27/09/2012 07:44

Yanbu.

TantrumsAndGoldAndOrange · 27/09/2012 07:45

Some people are happy with that, I went away for a night when dd was 8 weeks old because I had to, but logistically it was difficult.

I don't think I' would have been happy doing it for a night out.

newplan · 27/09/2012 07:49

I'd have strung DH up from the nearest lamppost if he announced that.

Should have discussed it first
Should actually want to be with your potentially 2 week old baby.
At that stage the tiredness is at its worst, plus excitement of Christmas, plus well just no!

Pooka · 27/09/2012 07:49

If new baby is born 10 days late or so (which is entirely possible) then you're looking at 2 week old baby, older dc, no help in week if he's working and at weekend, possible c-section, perhaps uncomfortable stitches too, and if breastfeeding, still in the realms of constant feeding, especially in evening when you're trying to get older dc to bed. Sleepless nights.

I think if it were a month later, then everything might be more settled. But for it to be presented as a fait accompli and without taking into account that it is different to him being away for work is terribly inconsiderate.

CanIOfferYouAPombear · 27/09/2012 08:05

Do you have much support from family and friends? I would begrudgingly let DP go as I have a few people that would quite happily come and replace him for a few days. If not then yanbu and he shouldn't go.

Thing is though, it doesn't matter what we would do. If you're not happy with it then he should respect that.

MyLastDuchess · 27/09/2012 08:09

Sorry, I think it's ridiculous. Our second is due in Nov and we live in the country next door to Germany. My OH wouldn't dream of going away at that time. Apart from anything else the new baby might only be 2 weeks old FFS!

And as you mentioned, how can you go away for a weekend if you'll be BFing?

Even if you weren't pregnant, IMO when a child is involved one partner doesn't just "announce" that they are going away. It's always a discussion.

Original poster
Plunkett · 27/09/2012 08:09

Hi thanks for replies ladies. In Dh (and sookies) defense I wouldn't normally mind - like I say he's away a fair bit normally and he never minds me going away ( for work or a jolly). Generally we have quite a relaxed and even relationship.
Guess I'm a what if person - all those things people have mentioned (cs, being late etc) and ds had horrific colic and digestive problems when first born and I'm a little scared of doing it all again (hense why it's taken 6 years to have another :)). Dh is the eternal optimist and says it won't be like it this time. I don't doubt he wouldn't go if any if the above happened just annoyed he's even thinking about it I guess.
I did just sulk off to bed last night so will talk to him properly tonight and explain why I'm unhappy about him going.
Thanks again for all the responses.

OP posts:
girlgonemild · 27/09/2012 08:09

My dh went to a wedding when ds2 was 2 weeks. The big difference is that we discussed it together, booked a refundable rate with the hotel and agreed he wouldn't go if baby was late etc. I also got my sister to stay and help me overnight.
I think it's the lack of consultation which is annoying in your situation OP. also a Christmas party doesn't seem to warrant putting you out so much whereas a wedding/ important work event etc. might.

diddl · 27/09/2012 08:16

I agree that the assumption that it would all be OK is awful.

sookiesookie · 27/09/2012 08:19

For me OP that's the key. I know dh would cancel any plans even last minute if it was going to be difficult for me.
Tbf, I wouldn't be happy if dh booked it without even a mention. That suggests he possibly knew you might not be happy.
I am a worrier and dh is the optimist, ots annoying isn't it? But if that's how he is, that's how he is. I wouldn't change dh and need his optimism to balance me sometimes.

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2012 08:21

So, not even discussed, but a fait accompli?
YANBU and I don't actually understand what on earth he is thinking. He works away a lot and actually wants even more time away from his family?
Don't get it...

CinnabarRed · 27/09/2012 08:54

Actually, I think your DH being away at the weekend is completely different to him being away for work during the week.

Week days are structured into an establised routine. Your DS will be at school for at least 6 hours of the day, and may have after school activities too (or at least friends with sympathetic parents who?ll invite him over for tea if you?re still adjusting to having two DCs). There?ll be activities you can take your newborn to if you fancy getting out of the house, or you can invite a friend round for coffee/lunch. You can nap when your DC2 does.

But weekends are bleak wastelands of empty hours different. It?s awkward at best to meet up with friends because the weekends are family time, so you?re thrown on your own resources. The weather may well be bad, so you can?t necessarily go to the park or the woods. Indoor centres are rammed, and in any case many are not ideal in terms of managing an energetic 6 year old and a newborn. You?ll be solely responsible for all entertainment.

If your DH had to go away at the weekend then I?m sure you?d cope just fine. But for a jolly? No. Why should you have to?

And I?m unconvinced by the tit-for-tat idea that it?s OK for him to make himself absent one weekend provided that you get to do the same the next weekend. You may not want to be away from your baby. You may not want to leave your DH to cope at the weekend on his own because it?s just not a nice thing to do (and he may well have even fewer ideas about good things to do than you if he?s not around as much as you are). I absolutely agree that if one parent gets X hours of ?me time? then the other parent should get the same X hours. But with very young children I?m not sure it?s fair on anyone for either parent to take all their X hours in big blocks. (Different with older children, IMO).

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