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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaw problems and they're not even mine!

21 replies

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 14:55

My daughter is moving in with her boyfriend in a couple of weeks. He is lovely and supportive and understands her AS and most importantly, he loves her. His parents on the other hand hate her. :( They have made life very difficult for them over the years and at times treated her appallingly. She has done nothing wrong, other than being socially inept, but when you're shallow and appearances are everything, that is a big problem.

Her boyfriend is a slight, gentle, unassuming guy. His father is a brick**house, ex professional boxer, who thinks nothing of getting physical with his son when compliance with his wishes isn't immediate. He told his parents a while back that they were moving in together, but it's only just registered and they have gone ballistic.

Am I being unreasonable to be so sad that my baby is in for a lifetime of IL threads? :(

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 14:58

You might find they naturally distance themselves from that side of the family.

Original poster

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 14:59

I hope so. I took them to IKEA to buy some things they needed yesterday. They were so happy and excited. One phone call later from AngryDad and their faces were :(

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 15:08

Why do you think they're so against them moving in?

I mean it's such a strong reaction.

I presume most parents have reservations about who they're children are seeing at some point or other, but they sound so definite about it.

His dads aggression aside, they are within their rights to not like your DD, it'd be usual for them to keep their reservations to themselves, but if he's lovely and supportive to your DD there must be a rational/caring side to them as well?

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 15:09

I think you should all go out for a meal. And when your DD and her BF go to get some pre dinner drinks in, you can tell them how unimpressed you are with their sttitude and point out that if you ever hear of/see the man lay a hand on his son you will phone the police - as an ex boxer he is held to a higher standard by the law.

WilsonFrickett · 04/08/2012 15:09

I assume they are moving into a shared property, not moving into the BF's family home Klad?

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 15:10

good point Wilson.

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 15:12

if they carry on behaving this way then i would encourage your DD to have nothing to do with them, it will be their loss, especially when GC come along. she doesn't have to have a relationship with them.

bobbledunk · 04/08/2012 15:13

I hope they're not moving in too close to the inlaws, they sound like horrible bullies. People like that are best avoided because they'll always be that way. I'd encourage them to have nothing to do with those people.

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 15:14

How mean spirited, what a horrible way to behave,

tell them to ignore ,set their own boundaries and just support each other,

My MiL threw all her toys out of the pram, and behaved like a total bitch when we first got together, 20 years later she's slowly coming round to the idea that we might be a permeant fixture.

Disrespecting your child's choices is extremely hurtful and damaging, horrible to come to terms with that your parents can't behave like reasonable adults.

I wish them all the luck in the world.

Original poster

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 15:16

Why do you think they're so against them moving in?

I don't know them very well, but from what I can gather it seems they've put blocks in the way to try and bring the relationship to an end. They are furious because it hasn't worked and the control they have had is slipping away.

but if he's lovely and supportive to your DD there must be a rational/caring side to them as well?

I think that may be from his mum. They've been round here a few times and yet I've never heard his mum speak other than to say hello, goodbye and thank you. I did encourage him to try a build a better relationship with just his mum but his Dad won't allow it because they are one unit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 15:19

Wilson yes, he is moving away to university near us and has a student flat and she is moving in with him as she is doing a distance degree. Student flats here (not UK) are basically your first council flat.

OP posts:

MadamFolly · 04/08/2012 16:22

Thats good thaqt they are near you and away from inlaws. Can you try and set up some sort of regular social thing between you and then, maybe dinner once a fortnight or something. That will let you keep an eye on the situation and let them feel more secure in family relations.

Original poster

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 17:21

I hope by 'regular social thing between you and them' you mean daughter and boyfriend, in which case I definately will. If you mean the inlaws then probably not as I find him quite intimidating, especially as a survivor of DV myself.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 17:56

I remember the age your DD and her DP are as being a bit of a struggle with my parents - me wanting to break free and them trying to keep a measure of control over me.

And DH had similar with his Dad (who didn't want him going out with (goth) make up on )

It's possible they could calm down once their DS has lived apart for a while, although the set up you describe with how his parents are could have an 'innocent' explanation, they do sound a bit overbearing.

JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 17:59

awww poor kids. The father sounds very controlling indeed and probably struggles with the fact his son isn't like him. Hopefully they will in time learn to be happy they are happy and not need the approval of the bully father. :(

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 18:05

I think you could help on the relationship with the mum thing for your DD, could you invite your DD and your DD's MIL for a 'girls spa day' or even just a 'girls lunch' - be upbeat and make it clear it's girls only. Hopefully that would help to get her to talk to your DD away from her DH.

But also, if your DD's BF has not lived away from home before, it could be they do'nt see him as a grown up, but 6 months down the line when they haven't got into massive debt/developed scurvy/been evicted by their landlord they will see that actually, he and DD can cope because they aren't children.

Or it could be that they continue to be the same, but once he's living away from them, her BF realises it's completely optional to have them in his life and their opinion doesn't matter more than anyone elses.

Original poster

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2012 18:16

That's a good idea Dontmind. I had tried to encourage the relationship between the BF and his mum but I hadn't thought to do the same between my daughter and her. It could work too, particularly as she gets on really well with her BFs older sister.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 18:20

Spa day then, no way 'alpha male' will want to gate crash that...

lovebunny · 04/08/2012 20:16

no advice, but good luck and best wishes to your daughter and her partner. sounds like they will get a lot of support from you, at least.

Uppermid · 04/08/2012 20:21

I like narkeds idea. Though it might not work and make things worse I suppose.

Also think the ladies spa day (or shopping or lunch whatever!) is a great idea

WilsonFrickett · 04/08/2012 22:58

So they'll be near you, which is great. I think the idea of getting the women in BF's family onside is really good. And of course doing what you can to support the relationship - so when they run out of food/money/don't know what to do when the lights fuse he feels he can come to you as much as your dd does. It sounds like he'll be delighted to be part of a normal family.

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