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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by this.

25 replies

stargazer83 · 27/04/2012 09:13

I am on holiday with my mum and my dd, it was booked and paid for by me but then my mum invited herself along in a very public way in which I couldn't refuse without upsetting her. The problems started before we even got on holiday with her refusing to travel by train. Instead we have gotten a cab. £50 each way. next she takes the big double bed leaving me and dd sharing to small single. When we went food shopping she refused all the cheap easy cook options such as stir fry and insisted she will only eat steak or chops, and then hasn't fucking eaten them!

She also had a fit about the caravan meaning we were moved so I had to lug 6 suitcases across the camp site whilst she satike lady of the manor telling me where to put things. She insisted I take her off campus for something promising we would be back at mid day then decided she was going here there and everywhere meaning dd missed the payed for activity I had booked.

There have been hundreds more I could name but that would just be ranting but today has been the icing on the cake. It's my dd's birthday so whilst I was in the shower mum has left the caravan with her saying I'm taking dd for breakfast and then swimming. Be back later. I'm really upset that she sneaked off when my back was turned without asking me what my plans are or inviting me. I was looking forward to spending the day with dd and now who knows when they will be back.

I excuse the rest of mums behavior because she is elderly and not very well but this is just nasty :(

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 27/04/2012 09:16

How old/able-bodies is she?

if she's frail then I think the sleeping arrangement/taxi/not carrying luggage thing is fair enough.

thisisyesterday · 27/04/2012 09:18

i think you need to put your foot down!

why are you just doing what she says???

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/04/2012 09:19

You let her put you in this situation the minute you decided to "not upset her" when she invited herself along. Sorry if I sound harsh but, it's a bit "tough shit" I'm afraid, you let her muscle in because you didn't want to upset her (whatever that entails) and now you have to live with the consequences. Next time she tris it, remember how you feel right now and say no to her. Her being "upset" won't be as bad as you feel right now will it? She can only get away with what you let her get away with...

Catsmamma · 27/04/2012 09:21

six cases?? How long are you staying??

It does sound as if there are lots of things bubbling under the surface and going on.

YOu should have said "NO!" in the first place....please practise this, it will make you feel stronger.

tallwivglasses · 27/04/2012 09:23

Good God, you have the patience of a saint. Well done for not murdering her. I don't think OP expected her frail old mum to lug suitcases - maybe just not complain in the first place. And since when did being not very well entitle you to quadruple (I think?) the sleeping space?

I think you're going to have to put this down to experience OP. Just remind yourself what a lovely daughter you are for agreeing to share your holiday with her and vow never to do it again

treadwarily · 27/04/2012 09:25

Oh dear. It's hard being holed up in close quarters with anyone, never mind an uninvited guest.

Sounds like a holiday from hell - and sadly, you're still there.

How much longer to go?

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 27/04/2012 09:26

Pack her bags whilst she is gone and book her a cab and tell her to fuck off.

Panda1234 · 27/04/2012 09:26

You need to learn to say "no". Tell her the bed situation isn't working and that you need to swap. Buy the food you want rather than the stuff she wants. Give her a bollocking for sneaking off.

If she's too frail to lift bags and travel on the train, then I don't see how she can deicde she's ok to go out daytripping or go off with your DD without telling her where you are. She can't have it both ways, and you need to point that out.

The worst she can do is throw a strop and want to go home - which is a win/win situation!

CinnyCall · 27/04/2012 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 27/04/2012 09:27

Agree you should never have invited her, and then should have not given her the double bed if it meanns only 1 person stays on it not 2. It sounds as though the caravan wasn't big enough for 3 if she wouldn't sleep on the single bed and this would have been a good reason not to invite her..
You should have been stricter about returning for your daughter's activity leaving your mum to make her own way back to the campus.
Running off with your daughter sounds unreasonable but you have to start standing up for her. it does sound as though you do everything she wants and don't argue with her.
At least you know you are never going on holiday with her again. next time she suggests it keep your holiday plans vague when discussing them and tell her there isn't room and it didn't work last time you went on holiday with her as she took over.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/04/2012 09:30

You reallyreally don't have to put up with being treated like this you know

You know the old saying of people only treating you now you let them? Well it's totally true

I know it's difficult if your mum is elderly, but my mum has been letting her mum treat her like this for years...mum is 65 now and still having to put up with it, don't let that be you op, that is a lot of wasted years

Remember the opposite of doormat is not aggressive, you don't have to be mean or nasty, you just have to calmly politely asserte yourself, if people choose to get upset when your being reasonable then that is their choice and not your responsibility

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/04/2012 09:33

If it helps think of your daughter, by pandering to your mum you are letting your daughter down, if you can't be strong for you then be strong for her, she deserves better this is her holiday too and her birthday

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2012 09:34

As others have sad, you need to examine why you are allowing what she wants to come before what you and your DD want and your feelings.

Relationships should be about mutual respect and co-opperation, why have you not put bounderies inplace befre now and stuck to them?

Make today the day that you think about making a change and do it from tomorrow (so not to upset your DD's Birthday).

Original poster

stargazer83 · 27/04/2012 09:36

I wouldn't expect mum to lug the suitcases (4 of which were her's btw) but there was nothing wrong with the caravan we were in originally. The bed situation is nothing to do with being ill its because she hates sleeping in a single bed but if I said no I would become the villain of the piece with her complaining to my brothers about how awful I am treating her which will cause a family row and effect my relationship with my nieces and nephews, as I know from bitter experience.

I know I only have myself to blame I just need to get it out before I end up exploding at her.

OP posts:

Original poster

stargazer83 · 27/04/2012 09:42

Thanks all. Thankfully its over with tomorrow although we are ment to be going on a big family holiday during the summer and it has been decided as I'm the only single sibling mum should share with me but I will be booking my caravan next week and saying sorry too late to change now

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2012 10:14

It sounds as though you are being scape goated in the family.

Try to seperate yourself as much as you need to, to be happy.

WinkyWinkola · 27/04/2012 10:24

You are going to miserable forever unless you stand up to her. Let her slag you off to the family. Sod it. At least you'll be happy.

I'm sorry but she sounds like a prize bitch. And a user. Say no and if she says bad things about you, well that's up to her. As long as you know you've been reasonable.

You've had a shite holiday and now she's even trying to take your DD away on her birthday. My word. What a nasty piece of work.

2rebecca · 27/04/2012 10:48

If your family will believe your mum's word over yours and would see her sleeping in a single bed as neglect whilst you and your daughter sharing a single bed isn't then you need to have less to do with your family as they don't have your best interests at heart. You should have sorted out the sleeping arrangements before agreeing to let her join you.
You have to start being prepared to be unpopular within your family to get some quality of life back.
The word family is meaningless if they don't support you, they just become people you share genetic material with.
If you don't want to share a caravan with your mum again then tell them. Maybe don't go on holiday with them but go with a friend, or just with your daughter.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 27/04/2012 10:49

Wow. I agree, you need to stand up to her and the whole family if it comes to it - they're treating you apallingly.

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 10:54

Why are you going on holiday with your family again?

It sounds like it's been an horrendous experience - and her walking off with your daughter has just been the absolute bloody limit.

You KNOW the summer holiday will be a nightmare. Say you're not going - you can't afford or something. Then book something for yourself for when they're all away.

I really think you need to distance yourself from your family, particularly your mother. She treats you like dirt.

LoveHandles88 · 27/04/2012 11:19

I would not be going on a 2nd holiday with her, and quite frankly, would be outraged with the stealing away with your child business!!!
YANBU. However, you definitely need to tell her how inconsiderate she's been.

maddening · 27/04/2012 11:26

when she gets back sit her down and say "mum, you have really upset me and owe me an apology...." then reel off your op.

before she gets back move you and dd's stuff to the double bed. Pop and buy something you and dd would like for tea.

organise an activity for tomorrow for just you and dd - tell your mum you are too upset to spend it with her and need the time to calm down as she does to consider her own behaviour.

maddening · 27/04/2012 11:28

oh amd tell your brothers in advance what you are doing and why - they will understand I'm sure they're not blind to her behaviour

Paiviaso · 27/04/2012 12:15

Stand up for yourself, you sound like you let her walk all over you.

TheHappyHissy · 27/04/2012 12:24

PACK HER BAGS, CALL A CAB.

MOVE your stuff to the double bed and don't back down. There are TWO of you and ONE of her. YOU ffing paid for it too, so YOU get to sleep in the double bed.

She is terrorising you and she has now hijacked your DD on her birthday.

Your family are part of the problem. Draw some sodding boundaries for them all, she is actually treating you and your DD like SHIT! Your DD would have wanted to have spent the day with her mum too, how on earth has your mother squared this with her, wtf has she said about you to the DD. I'm guessing she has manipulated and said something beyond the pale.

Call your brothers, TELL them what she has done and TELL them that this holiday is OVER.

FWIW, cancel the family holiday this year and save your money. spend it on a holiday for you and your DD, and ideally a friend.

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