AIBU to feel lonely when my bf spends so much time playing a computer game?

[Boomerwang]

I stay at home, my bf works long hours. I totally understand he wants to chill out when he gets home. However, I talk to nobody all day long and my world is so small. When he comes home he says hello to me, cuddles the baby a bit and he'll sometimes give her a feed if it's the right time. Then he goes on his pc.

I mention we've got to do this or that soon, or it's so and so's birthday we need to send a card, or what do you want me to do with this or that and he doesn't even turn around to look. I talk to him and wait... and about ten seconds later he stops typing and looks at me and says 'hmm?'

It's really annoying. I feel like a lodger or a nanny. I'm having nightmares at the moment about people taking my baby away or my bf leaving me and he knows this. I just want a bit of attention.

AIBU? Considering he does have a heavy workload and doesn't get good sleep at night because of the baby? (I do all the night feeds unless my bf makes himself a martyr and doesn't wake me up to deal with her) Is a compromise in order?

yanbu. is it COD?

yanbu, have a chat to him and tell him how you are feeling - he probably doesn;t realise there is an issue.

Plus get outside a bit more (if you can) and chat to people in the park or whatever. otherwise being at home on your own will drive you nuts

He knows there's an issue. He used to play a game called World of Warcraft and he's admitted himself that he has an addictive personality. He used to direct this at something very unsavoury in the past so his excuse is that if it wasn't a game it'd be something worse. He has always admitted that he spent too much time playing that game.

However, he's not played it for months. He's found a game called Evony which I thought would involve much less of his time and it kind of does, but the time he does spend on it is that little time he gets at the end of his shift. He works late shifts, from about 3pm to 11pm. You'd think he'd have all his morning to spend, but he goes to bed around 3am and gets up literally 20 minutes before he has to get back in his car and get to work.

I'd love to get out more, and I can, but I live in the back of beyond. The nearest community area is more than 8 miles away. I don't have a car and the nearest bus stop is a 6km walk and I can't leave the dog for too long as I feel guilty about trapping her in a room :( to stop her tearing up the house.

That's a whole other issue really, anyway.

He used to direct this at something very unsavoury in the past so his excuse is that if it wasn't a game it'd be something worse. No, if he addressed what makes him obsessive about anything he would address what makes him obsessed with specific things. I worked in recovery and with addicts for a long time and saw this a lot. If people had healthy recoveries they would recognise and deal with behaviours as they came up. Frequently they would start to become too involved with certain behaviours (exercise, Jesus, eating or anything really) and have to address this. People with unhealthy recoveries who had not addressed the underlying issues would keep finding new things to become addicted to. He needs to address the underlying issues and may need outside help to do that.

I'm not a needy person at all (just to clarify ) but DH used to be sat on a computer forum, like hunched over the computer with his back to me, for ages in the evening.

It did feel a bit isolating because I couldn't just comment on something lighthearted or ask him something without getting his attention first. It was really stilted.

I did say to him how I felt and he tried to be in the room more, so to speak, but that just made me feel worse because I was forcing him to give me his attention just for normal everyday time together.

It actually resolved itself when I found MN because I could appreciate why he was so stuck on what was happening on the computer, and he could appreciate what it's like to only have 'mmm' answers to questions and be effectively ignored by someone in the same room as you

I'm not suggesting you take up the computer game with him (although could that be something you'd consider?) but if this is the type of person you're with and want to stay with, it's something you might have to accept. People rarely change at their core.

im married to a computer game addicted man. he plays a game much like evony.

so we structure the day - literally timetable it out so we both have clear expectations

Hope you don't mind me grilling you asking MrsT, but in your experience (and I don't know anything about it) is there such a thing as an 'addictive personality'?

If you think there is, and I accept there are lots of different causes for peoples behaviour, but could some people use this as a way of excusing their behaviour when they're really just being selfish and doing what they want?

I would say rather than it being something they have no control over, but people can beat an addiction so there is some control, but something that while they're in the situation they can't do anything other than what they're doing.

Sorry if that sounds cackhanded, I can't think of another way of putting it.

My DH and I used to help run a large guild in World of Warcraft, so I have experience of people who played it a lot excessively. I would suggest the following things to try.

1. Become a stronger person yourself / do things that make you happy. This might be social (e.g. phoning a friend/your mother, volunteering, driving to baby clubs), physical (e.g. Yoga, running, meditation) or creative (e.g. writing a blog, making jewellery, learning a new language). It sounds like you might like more social activities since you feel the lack of company from your bf in the late evening - you may need to get these during the day with a baby.

1. Try to understand a bit about the current obsession game - is it that your bf has scheduled things within the game (e.g. Friday midnight is when a group regularly meet up to do stuff)? What does he like about it? Many WoW players stopped this summer because the game was getting a bit old and stale - lots went to Star Wars: the Old Republic. I don't know Evony myself but en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evony explains a bit about it.

1. Acknowledge that your bf has a right to spend some free time each week doing whatever he wants. The behaviour of "hmmm...?" when absorbed in a game and asked a question is normal (but annoying!) and it's nothing to do with you personally. It is selfish if he's playing a lot and doesn't realise that it's upsetting you, but he will probably always want to play computer games for some of his free time so you need to get used to scheduling your questions for when he isn't playing. What could you do with your free time?

1. Set a timetable for joint activities (as mentioned by posters above). My DH and I always go out for Saturday lunch if we're not busy, and use this as a time to chat about our weeks and the admin we need to do. If your bf is using every spare minute of free time in Evony, try to unhook him gently from this at whatever is the easiest regular time, and make it enjoyable - e.g. his favourite coffee or cake - so that it doesn't feel like a nagging session! Once you have one regular catch up session you have a chance to get to know him better and for him to get to see how you are really feeling... away from the computer. Ideally out of the house as well. Perhaps take a picnic somewhere in summer?

I am not an expert in addiction, but many of these issues are on a spectrum of behaviour: if the above doesn't work then you may need to try other things.

Good luck.

From my (sad) experience, it is not so much addictive personalities than just simply addicts. Addicts tend to behave the way they do to escape their feelings and not deal with them. And once you are an addict (of whatever it is... sex, alcohol, food, work, drugs, computer games) this is not something you 'get over', you are always an addict. It is really easy to cross addict to other things. The way a recovering addict stops this, is exactly what mrsT said, by recognising the behaviour and dealing with it as it comes along, and by addressing the underlying issues. A person with good recovery will go to AA or NA or whatever support they use for life, they will make changes in their lifestyle. They can really turn their lives about and are the most amazing, impressive people I have met. A person without recovery just swaps one addiction for another, or lies about stopping. If his playing the computer games is affecting his ability to have a 'normal' relationship, which it sounds like it is as you are unhappy, then he is addicted.

What you can do for yourself, is work out can you live like this. It will not get better because you want it to. You sound isolated, you have a heavy responsibility for the baby, you sound lonely, he sounds a real charmer. You can get advice from your GP, or try and find a chat room where people have the same experiences. As the baby get bigger, or you have another one, it may not change. You may just feel more isolated. And addiction affects everyone around the addict too, partner, children, everyone.

Agree some hours when he can play.

His hours away from the computer should include an equal amount of free time you each spend not looking after the baby (so you get to mn play on the computer too!)

and time together

In effect, this will mean his time gaming will be reduced to a few hours each week. Good luck.

Good advice, thank you. We've talked about it before and thankfully he's not at a point where he'll forsake important things for the game.

I used to be addicted to WoW myself. I played it for 5 years, and when I lived with my parents and I was playing some game they used to get mad at me when they tried to talk to me about something and I was like 'I'm RAIDING FFS' I would be late for work constantly because I 'just want to finish this quest' so I was just as bad.

What I don't get is how, when I grew bored with the game, I could simply go off and do other things and not become addicted to another game? I've played loads since, but nothing grabs me. I used to post/read a lot here but now I don't have time, however I'm not breaking out in a cold sweat about it.

I wonder what he would do if he didn't have a pc?

my husband was like that, i vented on here and my home life i so much diffrent.

my threat and i mean it still, that if eve online was that important i would kick his arse out and he would not see the our DC.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1404767-How-can-I-get-my-husband-off-the-computer?pg=2

dh now spend alot less on the computer, our sex life have vastly improve, the DC are so much happier and i couldn't be sooo happy and guess what so is DH.

What I don't get is how, when I grew bored with the game, I could simply go off and do other things and not become addicted to another game?

Different people have different motivations. Playing WoW for you might have been fun to fill the time, or loyalty to a raid guild, or satisfaction of achieving goals. Those are all positive reasons, and the motivations can be satisfied by doing three different things.

Where I think it goes bad is when someone is playing a game because e.g. the game is easier than real life, they are being pressured into playing because their skills are rare, or they don't believe they are any good at achieving real life goals. Those are all negative reasons. The underlying issues here need to be addressed or the person will walk away only to be drawn in to something else that will block out feelings of self-doubt/self-hatred.

Your bf may be playing Evony for both positive and negative reasons of course! I guess it might be helpful to consider how you are both adjusting to life with a baby and if this has changed how you both feel about gaming.

I made good friends through WoW, met people from countries across Europe both in game and physically at meets, and my experience of managing people there has helped me in my career and in having patience to deal with family life. However I could easily walk away from the game for short breaks or permanently because I don't rely on it in any way to cope with life, block out emotions or boost my self-esteem. Although my old guild mates miss me, I still keep in touch, and we all know real life is more important than pixels. Pixels can be pretty though.

I think daffy put it well. There are addicts and they are in recovery or not. IMO and IME people who say that they have addictive personalities generally aren't the ones really working hard on their stuff. Things like genetics and life events can make addiction more likely but that is not personality trait. People can be obsessive or compulsive or both but that doesn't mean they will develop addictions.

WOW is HELL!! I know many people who have split up or cheated because of this game,players and WOW widows alike, my DH and myself inculded, he used WOW to hide rather than face up to our relationship going down hill and he eventually used the game to cover cheating on me.

Welcome to the world of computer game addicts Partners!! My DH has his Xbox set up in a different room, as I got so fed up with him continually playing it on our main TV, which meant I could never watch ordinary telly. Now, however, he is in the other room, playing his game, often with our 2 DCs sitting with him watching and enjoying him play, whilst I sit on my lonesome in the living room, with the dogs and cats, doing what I wish! Sometimes we hardly talk in an evening because of this arrangement.
What really annoys me, however, is when he has finally had enough, or feels guilty as he has been in other room all afternoon/evening ( if its a weekend) comes into the living room and switches over the TV from my programme without asking! He says tv/background music/reading a book does't relax him like the game does, and he needs to "unwind" but playing the whole time he is home gets a bit much sometimes, don't get me wrong, he does have other hobbies, and do things with me and the DC, but in these "relaxation" times at home, we never see each other! He has even taken the xbox on holiday before now!