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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to bloody do this?

31 replies

alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:41

DP went out last night. He said he'd be home around 11 but at r2:30 I went to bed. He strolled in around 3:30am (checked the phone and there was a missed call from his mates number at 3:20am). DD1 got up at 6:45amand find DP passed out on the sofa with the remnants of an egg and bacon sandwich on the table.

After DD2 gets up I make breakfast and leave them quietly watching cartoons whole DP sleeps while I quickly feed our rabbit. I get back and DD2 has got up on top of DP kissing himso I take her away. He starts shouting at me that a simple task is too much for me and announces that no, he wouldn't be staying home to watch the girls while I hand on my sick note to the job centre (2 buses) because he's going to sleep and proceeds to storm up to bed.

a) I think he is over reacting. I was feeding the rabbit as I always do two seconds away.
b) We planned this for today as a walking three year old and a pushchair on my own with mobility isues, public transport and the job centre is too much for me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:42

Sorry about the lack of spaces and some errors. Smartphone and fatigue is all I have in defense!

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 23/03/2012 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:46

DD2's nap time will coincide with the appointment. I was aiming on making it easy for him anyway by having DD1 colouring, DD2 asleep and being back in time for nursery which DP would have to take DD1 to.

He's a good dad but it isn't my fault that he 'lost track of time' and got pissed.

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Winkly · 23/03/2012 07:48

Yanbu. Is he like this a lot? He sounds like a pretty shit dad to me.

Goawaybob · 23/03/2012 07:50

I'm sorry, but he clearly isn't a good dad, at all :( Get the lazy fucker out of bed and make him look after his children. If you have to use a bucket of cold water, do so. I would also suggest while you are at the job center (does he not work??) you enquire about alternative housing for you and your children, if you own your own home, get him the fuck out.

Bobyan · 23/03/2012 07:53

Is this the same Dp who has previously made you feel suicidal?

He sounds a real catch.

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:53

Not often at all. He goes out maybe once every two months to his mates or to play poker in our local pub. He can't handle his alcohol like he used to and usually comes home in a bit of a state but I forgive it as he cares for me pretty much full time apart from college day and almost always does the morning shifts as I am in too much pain to get up at 7am and run around.

If I had nothing to do all day or had a good day I'd leave him be but this was pre-arranged because if I don't get to the job centre at 11am with my sicknote for my interview they'll suspend my ESA payment due Monday and I need it to live on.

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Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:54

Bobyan yes and no. His actions by leaving for college in the mental state I was in made me feel worse but it wasn't hom who led me to feel suicidal, it was my MH condition.

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Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:56

Sorry to drip feed. He was working full time but his shifts were usually until 12am and he wouldn't get home until 1am. He left to care for me as I was in a bad way but still carried on his one day a week part time college course while I was recovering. Now he has no job and no interviews.

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TanteRose · 23/03/2012 07:57

what time do you have to leave?

you have to get to this appointment, so go - tell him he is looking after the DCs

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 07:58

I need to leave here by 10am at the latest. Either way it goes I have to make this appointment.

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Bobyan · 23/03/2012 07:59

Ok I'll be harsh.

FFS get a grip, he's a waste of space. You have a strange idea of what caring for someone is.

Stop making excuses for him.

Goawaybob · 23/03/2012 08:03

OK, so there is a back story and a complicated one. He really really needs to get up out of bed and sort out the kids, let you get to the job center.

Have you got benefits sorted now that he isn't working?He needs to do this sooner rather than later - there are very few jobs out there im afraid to say but you say he has to care for you, then you should be in receipt of adequate benefits, make sure you are getting what you are entitled to.

It all sounds like a pressure cooker. If his is normal behaviour for him, get shot, but if its a one off explosion id be more forgiving

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 08:07

It's not a one off but it is infrequent. He is not violent but does occasionally have a go when it gets too much as I do with him.

Benefits are pretty much sorted. I'm appealing the DLA decision but don't have anappointnent with CAB until next week. DP can't claim JSA as he's in college one full day a week and can't claim carers until I get DLA. We're surviving on my benefits and what I get for the children.

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squeakytoy · 23/03/2012 08:12

if I don't get to the job centre at 11am with my sicknote for my interview they'll suspend my ESA payment due Monday and I need it to live on.

I may have missed this, but how the hell does he have the money to go out on the piss?

Goawaybob · 23/03/2012 08:12

Gosh, i really think that this is a bad situation. I don't knwo what your problems are, whether they are physical and or mental health issues, but if they are the latter i think they would improve pretty darn quick if you got shot of him.

calendula · 23/03/2012 08:13

"We're surviving on my benefits and what I get for the children."

Then it should be fairly obvious that you need to get to the job centre with your sick note.

Unless he has some money under the matress, he is giong to have to get up!

Melpomene · 23/03/2012 08:20

Full time students can't normally get JSA, but if he's just studying one day a week he could still qualify for JSA provided that he's willing to give up the course to take up a job if he gets offered one.

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 08:31

Goawaybob The ossues are mentaland physical.

He got money to go out on the piss fromhis friend. It wasn't like they went clubbing. His friend paid for alcohol at his house as a belated birthday present and they played a board game called Campaign his mate ordered on Amazon ages ago.

We've contacted KSA but according to them because he is studying seven hours a week on a Monday it takes him out of eligability for work as he can't actively seek work 7 days a week.

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Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 08:33

Looking at that back it seems like he told them if a job came up it would have to fit around his studies and he wpuld not give up his course for work.

if this is the case I might hit him with a frying pan.

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Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 08:38

Fuck. How could I have been so damn stupid? In his mind I'm sure he thinks 'they won't give me JSA because I'm on a course' but he never mentionef the ultimatum because there is no way he would give up the course if a job was Mon-Fri.

Shit. I am so angry.

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Melpomene · 23/03/2012 09:23

You wouldn't necessarily be better off if he had JSA however, because it could affect your ESA. Definitely go to that CAB appointment, they should be able to check it for you as well as advising on the DLA. I don't want to scare you but DLA appeals can often take a long time to go through (a year or longer) if it goes to a tribunal hearing, so you need to take that into account when planning what to do or whether/when he's going to look for work.

I hope he is now getting himself together so he can look after the children as it sounds totally unreasonable for you to have to take them with you. Good luck.

Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 09:26

He's sulking in the garden after I confronted him and every time I go near him he tells me to leave him alone or he'll leave.

It's like parenting a damn toddler.

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Original poster
alessthandomesticgoddess · 23/03/2012 09:27

I know DLA will take months and I'm not getting my hopes up over it but it's difficult. He refuses to leave college and I can barely survive on the money I'm on.

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BupcakesandCunting · 23/03/2012 09:44

I have never said this in earnest before, but: leave the bastard.