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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would my mil be offended by this?

21 replies

cinnopium · 15/02/2012 08:23

Hi mil and myself have never really got on, however, I have made a conscious decision to at least try to make a bit more of an effort with her.
She is supposed to be visiting us friday morning until sunday morning. I live with dh but no children as yet. She lives approximately 80 miles away.

Dh found out this morning that he has to attend a meeting friday afternoon and won't be back until very late friday night, he is going to ring her and ask her not to come down until saturday morning. She knows that I am off work this week and that I will be here friday.

Do you think this could be taken in a bad way by her?

OP posts:

mopbucket · 15/02/2012 08:25

You could tell her the facts and just say your Ds wont be here friday so prob best arriving saturday

takingiteasy · 15/02/2012 08:25

Is it the prospect of a day with her that bad?

holidaywoe · 15/02/2012 08:31

Could you not take it as an opportunity for bridge building? Maybe ask her to arrive for Friday afternoon and do lunch together I'm sure she'd appreciate it. I always think its so sad all the MIL angst that seems to be on MN. But then I guess I'm just lucky my MIL is ace and I actively seek out her comapny.
Why is it that you dont get on?

Haziedoll · 15/02/2012 08:35

I think she will be offended, I would be!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 08:35

It could be taken badly, but it could also be taken well. She might not want to spend time alone with you either.

If she does take it badly then you will know you did the right thing by putting her off.

LoonyRationalist · 15/02/2012 08:38

I wouldn't ask her to change. Do let her know about dh's plans though. If she decides to still come Friday morning make the most of it as holiday says.

madaboutmadmen · 15/02/2012 08:39

Why doesn't DH phone her, tell her he won't be there Friday, but say that she's still welcome on Friday and that you're offering to go out for lunch / dinner. This will put the ball in her cout without looking like you don't want her there. Or maybe you could phone her. Tell her to have a think about it otherwise she may feel like she's being put on the spot.

Family politics eh?!

diddl · 15/02/2012 08:41

Let her know & let her decide.

Of course it could be taken in a bad way!

Kayzr · 15/02/2012 08:45

I would take it in a bad way if I was your MIL. If I was you then I would ring her to tell her about DH's meeting and tell her it's up to her if she still comes Friday or waits til Saturday.

Original poster

cinnopium · 15/02/2012 09:06

I think he is just going to tell her not to come down as he won't be there. Not in a nasty way, but like: 'Hi mum, won't be here friday afternoon, come saturday morning instead'.

I suppose I just want to know how others would feel in mil's position.

OP posts:

ledkr · 15/02/2012 09:13

I must admit i try not to have pils if dh isnt here but thats because we are very different and its such a strain. However,it has happened,and i just put it down to being married and making an effort with his family.Go to see a movie then dinner,it maybe nice.

mrspepperpotty · 15/02/2012 09:15

How about 'Hi mum, won't be here friday afternoon, would you like to come saturday morning instead?'

As someone else said, ball in her court.

timmysamba · 15/02/2012 09:18

Lie. If your dh was meant to be home, can you not make out that you were going out with friends and only he was going to be home?

Cherriesarelovely · 15/02/2012 09:18

I would go with what madabout said.

OddBoots · 15/02/2012 09:19

I think it would be offensive if she's not given the choice, sorry.

cwtch4967 · 15/02/2012 09:28

Why not spend the day together building bridges and getting to know each other? You are going to be in each others lives for a long time.
I had a great relationship with my ex MIL and now have a good relationship with my new MIL!!!
It took a lot of time and effort to get to know each other and find common ground and sometimes you have to compromise a bit to keep the peace but life is better for having good family relationships.
Why don't you phone her and explain - say DH is now going to be tied up in work but we could do X, Y, Z together if you like - but also give her the option to come up Sat if she would prefer.
Don't take offense if she chooses to come Sat and not spend the day with you!

katiecoocoo · 15/02/2012 09:28

If you really are going to make a conscious effort with your MIL, why not use that friday to do so..?..spend some time with her, well if she wants to, as others have said, let her make the informed choice and take it from there..hope it goes well. You never know you might even have a nice time and learn that shes a lovely person underneath the uneasiness of not quite knowing you well enough to get on well together. Go for it, open up to her, let her get to know you better as well, and if its not the best experience of your life then it won't last forever..don't chicken out of it..she's only a person..have fun. :o

diddl · 15/02/2012 09:31

I don´t think he should tell her not to come tbh.

You are MIL & DIL, not strangers!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 09:41

Why is it ok for the Mil to have the choice about spending the day with her Dil but not the other way round?

You could always pretend you had an appointment of some kind on the Friday afternoon so she thinks there is reason for it being best for her to come on saturday instead.

OddBoots · 15/02/2012 10:14

It's not about MIL or DIL, it would be the same if it were friends who'd been invited or if it was the grown up children visiting parents and one of the hosts would be away for part of the time.

Maybe my sense of hospitality is too strong but in my opinion it is wrong to revoke an invite in all but emergency situations.

pranma · 15/02/2012 10:29

As a m-i-l I would rather be asked than told. If DS said he wouldn't be there Friday so would I rather wait till Saturday then it would be fine. However I get on really well with my lot and dil's and I would have a great day together without DS :-)

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