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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to invite inlaws round

27 replies

jan2011 · 03/02/2012 11:18

recently my mil has been relieved of some day time work she had been doing. today she texted to ask how me and the baby were doing, i said it was a difficult phase (baby teething and other issues and its been so hard) that i hoped would pass soon and i was going for a nice walk to the shop to settle her. she texted back and said she was out shopping in a town nearby and let her know if i need help with the baby. this means her husband is also off (she can't drive) and with her.
this is the last thing i want right now. it sounds awful,they are really nice, but i just find them more stress than its worse right now. i have to entertain them as well, i am not comfortable with her taking the baby out or with leaving them with the baby while i go out as i would be stressed the whole time and now when i am already stressed is not the right timeto start this.
i don't want them to be offended so i just said hubby was getting out a bit earlier today and i would get a breather then, that it has been a busy week and to enjoy her day shopping (she rarely gets it)
was ibu?i know she would have loved me to invite her round. but i just don't want to. i just don't want to be bothered with it - i will feel so exhausted after (more than with the baby!) plus house is a mess, baby unsettled etd. (her house is always spick and span no matter what is going on)

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 03/02/2012 11:24

How often does she see the baby?

Does she make comments about the housework?

Why do you think you have to "entertain" them?

Could you not have just invited them for a quick coffee?

I'm sure she just wanted to help after you said things were difficult and now she may be less inclined to offer to help again.

G1nger · 03/02/2012 11:25

Couldn't you have met in a local lunch-spot?

YonSeaCow · 03/02/2012 11:26

Why is leaving the child with her stressful? Does she torture it?

Salmotrutta · 03/02/2012 11:26

Yes, what G1nger suggested?

redskyatnight · 03/02/2012 11:28

Unless you have a good reason for stressing about leaving baby with them, I think you may be imagining a lot of the issues. It sounds like MiL wants to see the baby and genuinely wants to help and it's a shame that you don't feel you can have her round for a bit and maybe take the baby out to give you a break.

seeker · 03/02/2012 11:29

Well, if I were her I might not offer again, so you've solved your problem. Caused lots of others, mind you, but solved that one.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/02/2012 11:29

You are overthinking...she just said to let her know if you need help! It isnt like she was begging to come over, maybe she was just being supportive.

YANBU for not wanting her to come over .....keep her on side though, am sure when your baby gets a bit bigger and more demanding you will be loving a bit of help from her :)

aldiwhore · 03/02/2012 11:30

Your IL's do sound lovely, but sometimes even lovely people are irritating and add stress so YANBU. Saying that, the thought of it is sometimes worse than the reality, and maybe meeting for lunch would be nice?

DeidreBarlow · 03/02/2012 11:33

She offered to help, you said I'm okay thanks...whats there to BU about? Confused

Is she hard work usually??

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/02/2012 11:36

You are overthinking...she just said to let her know if you need help! It isnt like she was begging to come over, maybe she was just being supportive.

YANBU for not wanting her to come over .....keep her on side though, am sure when your baby gets a bit bigger and more demanding you will be loving a bit of help from her :)

Original poster
jan2011 · 03/02/2012 11:40

hi
yes she is hard work! she usually sees the baby every week. its just as the baby is so unsettled at the minute and i feel all over the place. im not going for lunch it would be too much for me right now. i have had to move to my mums a few days during the week cos of problems at home and i feel so out of routine, i can bring the baby to see her again when it suits and have her to mind the baby when i know the baby isn't really upset she is only 4 months old. i guess i am just feeling guilty about it. i just need my own space right now. if she doesn't want to help out in the future thats fine - it just is too much for me at the minute i am not even presentable. she actually comes in and does my housework she takes over and i can find it a bit intimidating. i wouldn't mind usually but she just bangs everything and goes into the cupboards and cleans them out and stuff. i just dont want anymore stress at hte minute

OP posts:
Original poster
jan2011 · 03/02/2012 11:40

yeah im probably overthinking

OP posts:
olgaga · 03/02/2012 11:42

Don't dwell on it, it's only helpful if it suits you. She offered, you politely declined on that occasion - no damage done.

When my DD was young I just didn't have it in me to do stuff spontaneously - I just never felt well enough to be enthusiastic about anything much through lack of sleep (especially with teething, unsettled nights etc) and having to do anything apart from the basics seemed stressful and hard work. I had ongoing PND, too, which I wish now I'd sought help for earlier. If it's all getting on top of you, perhaps a chat with a friendly nurse or GP at your practice might help?

If you feel guilty about turning them down, why not speak to your DH about inviting them round for an easy weekend lunch, when your DH is around to help entertain them?

olgaga · 03/02/2012 11:45

I just xposted with your last comment - obviously my suggestion re weekend lunch won't apply! You're obviously going through a difficult time.

If you're still feeling out of sorts about it, you could always text them and say you're sorry you weren't up to lunch today, that it was nice of them to suggest it, and you must do it sometime.

TooEasilyTempted · 03/02/2012 11:46

YABU

said she was out shopping in a town nearby and let her know if i need help with the baby

Response: If you'd like to come and take baby out for an hour , whilst I catch up on housework/have a nap, that would be a huge help, thanks.

Thus you've made clear that you won't be expecting to entertain them, they get to spend an hour with the baby, you get an hour to yourself. Win/Win.

Original poster
jan2011 · 03/02/2012 11:47

yes thats a really good idea - arranging to meet them another time is far better. i am the same with spontaneous stuff i struggle with it at the minute, plus i could do with my husbands help with the socialising - its like so many questions and seems to drain the energy from me. ill make sure they don't feel i am shutting them out. thanks i hope you are over your pnd now

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 03/02/2012 11:59

I don't have in-laws or a baby but I do have friends and family who will sometimes text/phone and say 'Do you want to do x'. If I want to then I say 'yes' if not then I'll say 'no, some other time'. There's nothing wrong with saying 'no' if you don't feel up to it.

Geordieminx · 03/02/2012 12:04

You sound like you are struggling a bit, maybe a chat with you HV may help?

Original poster
jan2011 · 03/02/2012 12:09

i am struggling cos of marriage problems bringing me down - we have just started marriage counselling so i hope it will help...i told the hv things hadn't been great between us but thats as far as it went really

OP posts:
LoveHandles88 · 03/02/2012 12:12

I used to struggle with spontaneous stuff (still do to some extent). And I hated leaving my dc with anyone for AGES after they were born, maybe because dc was in scbu for a few days when first born, I don't know. I also used to really care about my housework not being done, and felt useless if someone else came round to do it. It took months to see it from anyone else's point of view. Luckily, my mil is okay with me being straight with her, not that I much felt like it at the time.
Just try not to care too much what others think of you or your house. And if you can do the family thing with hubby, and it would be easier for you, try and do that. I relied quite a lot on my dh to keep his family at bay/help out with the family socialising/make excuses for me so I could have some peace and quiet sometimes.
I hope your stress levels decrease in the near future.

aldiwhore · 03/02/2012 12:12

jan if you're not up to it, you're not up to it even if you are being a little unreasonable, and even if it would do you abit of good.

Hope things improve soon, I'm not good with spontenous stuff either.

LoveHandles88 · 03/02/2012 12:13

Just x posted with you op. I hope things work out. One day at a time.

Geordieminx · 03/02/2012 13:00

Tbh when I read your first post I thought you were being a bit precious, but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and to be honest if you are having marriage problems then it's understandable that you don't want to play happy families with the out laws.

Get yourself a cuppa and a packet of biscuits, stick some trashy tv on and snuggle down with your gorgeous baby.

(((hugs))))

Original poster
jan2011 · 03/02/2012 13:40

thank you so much for support, geordie yes and i have got my debit card near to do a bit of online retail therapy :)
and thank you lovehandles for your honesty about how things were for you too it helps to know im not alone

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 03/02/2012 14:47

Where you slipped up was when you gave her your phone number. My MiL doesn't have my mobile number and I don't have hers or her landline number. I know where she lives in a vague way (top floor corner flat in one of those blocks over there) but would need on of the DCs with me to actually know which one.
She is my 3rd MiL though, and it took a certain set of circumstances and some careful planning to get things this way. I would hate to have to socialise communicate in any way with her just because I happen to be married to her son. I don't have numbers or addresses for either of my SiLs either. I could find one of their houses if I had to I think but not the other.

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