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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling excluded from dp's family

28 replies

eirikthered · 15/12/2011 20:40

I've been with dp for over three years. His family are very welcoming, often inviting me round for Shabbat dinner. I always make sure I bring a little gift or bottle of wine to show that I'm grateful, help tidy dishes away etc (so this complaint hopefully isn't due to me being a terrible guest!). But for things like weddings or family get-togethers I'm not invited. My own family invite dp to everything because they consider him a part of the family and love him very much. I just feel a bit hurt that after three years dp's family don't feel the same about me. Dp's youngest sister (aged 15) is particularly reluctant to let me in, and what she says usually goes.

Do I just need to pull myself together and get over myself? :(

OP posts:
pooka · 15/12/2011 20:45

Do you think that it's more that they will see you as family if you get married? Are you and dp living together? Are they traditional?

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 20:46

If you aren't invited then he should not go without you - simple.

pooka · 15/12/2011 20:47

It may be that they're a tough collective nut to crack - though am surprised that much credence is given to the opinion of 15 year old sibling - or that said sibling is anti-you. I was either uninterested or very keen on my older brothers' girlfriends at a similar age.

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 20:48

Maybe it's because they are traditional and you aren't married yet?

If they are welcoming to you the rest of the time, then they must like you, but you cannot expect them to behave the same as your family do. Families are different, and the fact that your family treat your dp as if you are married is irrelevant.

Original poster
eirikthered · 15/12/2011 20:49

We do live together, and they're not particularly traditional.

OP posts:
clam · 15/12/2011 21:01

You're living together, yet they don't invite you to get-togethers??? Shock How rude!

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 21:02

Does he go without you? Cos seriously he shouldnt. He should refuse to go.

Eggrules · 15/12/2011 21:04

what does DP think?

redwineformethanks · 15/12/2011 21:05

What does your DP think?

GlueSticksEverywhere · 15/12/2011 21:05

If you live together then it is just plain rude not to invite you!

Has your DP ever asked them why?

Clawdy · 15/12/2011 21:07

Perhaps your dp could ask why you are not invited? Does he know you are upset?

Original poster
eirikthered · 15/12/2011 21:11

I haven't asked him what he thinks about it. I tend to keep things to myself, but he is often apologetic about it.

The added complication I should probably mention is that dp's father died in very horrible circumstances when dp was a teenager, so it has radically altered the dynamic of the whole family's relationships.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 15/12/2011 21:14

Is there a difference between the invites? Invite to his parents' gathering vs. weddings/gatherings of another relatives?

In the former, they control who gets to come. In the latter, they have nor or minimal control.

Usually weddings are +1 unless its small and limited.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 15/12/2011 21:14

So do you think they are a firm little unit and are refusing to let you because of what happened to his dad?

When DP apologises what does he say exactly? Does he feel you should be invited or apologise in case you are upset about it but actually thinks it right? Why doesn't he say something?

Clawdy · 15/12/2011 21:15

Fine to keep some things to yourself,but this is too important for that. You really need to talk.

NanaNina · 15/12/2011 21:20

Agree with other posters. This is very strange and I can't see what your DPs death has to do with this - sorry if I am missing something. Why haven't you asked him what he thinks about this situation? Why hasn't he asked his family? Does he go without you - I suspect he does.

I think it's time you broke your silence and had a long talk with your DP about this situation, which is clearly bothering you, quite justifiably. If he doesn't know the reason you are excluded, it's time he does. Sounds like everyone is keeping shtum over this - it's emotionally unhealthy - time it was brought out into the open and seen the light of day.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 15/12/2011 21:23

YANBU, ok if you were not living together, unacceptable behaviour if you are cohabiting.

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 21:27

He does go doesn;t he? You havent answered, sorry it's wrong he should refuse to go if you are not invited, that is the honourable thing to do.

skybluepearl · 15/12/2011 23:39

maybe she could start not attending the dos too?

Original poster
eirikthered · 16/12/2011 09:49

Um, I went to bed, that's why I haven't replied! Yes, he does go (sometimes). There is enormous guilt around his dad's death, which I think is why he feels he has to go. It does bother me because I feel like I make a huge effort esp with the youngest daughter to make allowances for their trauma and the guilt and possessiveness it has caused.

I value your help guys, but it's not actually helpful to me to attack dp for his compliance with his family's wishes. They put him under huge pressure and guilt trip him enormously - he's doing the best he can and struggling with the fact that they expect him to act as the father-figure. Implying that he is dishonourable does him and me a huge disservice.

Thank you for your help all.

OP posts:
OldeChestnut · 16/12/2011 09:53

why dont you go anyway, invited or not

they cant turn you away (can they?)

lisianthus · 16/12/2011 10:01

I don't think anyone is asking you to attack your DP, just to talk with him and get him to understand your POV. He seems to be making an enormous attempt to keep his family happy, without worrying too much about you. You should be coming a bit further up his list of priorities if you are planning to spend your lives together, IMO. Are you? If you are planning to have children, will they also be excluded from family occasions, or will they be taken along with you still excluded? Neither situation is particularly acceptable.

And sooner or later the sister will have her own partner. If she is ruling the family roost, I can see him going to things while you still stay at home, as you have allowed the precedent to develop, and your DH hasn't fought for your inclusion.

BootyMum · 16/12/2011 10:03

Yes, but your DP also has to recognise that he has a new family now that he also owes something to - namely you and any children you may have in the future or already have.

After 3 years it is also high time that his family recognises this too.

DP has chosen you as his life partner and it is disrespectful to both of you to exclude you from family occasions.

You are not saying your DP can't attend these, you are just saying you should also be included.

YANBU. Speak to your DP and have him approach his family about this. It is then up to them to change their ways and make you feel more welcome and part of the family.

If however they don't, I don't think it would be unreasonable for your DP to put his foot down and say if eirik is not invited I also won't be attending.

The situation as it stands is really not good enough.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 13:58

If he has the father role int he family then he can make decisions such as to take you with him to family occassions. They must be specifically telling him not to bring you for him not to.

bamboostalks · 16/12/2011 14:01

Is it because you are not Jewish?