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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Driving me insane about Christmas!

29 replies

Pickle1234 · 25/10/2011 11:44

Right here is the deal, we have a 9 mo DD, we have decided that this year we will go to MM on Xmas Eve, MIL Xmas Day and DD on Boxing Day - crazy I know!!
Anyway you would have thought that she would have been pleased with this, all she keeps on at is are we staying the night, we have already said twice that we are not staying and that Xmas evening when DD is i bed is going to be our time but she keeps on, it is driving me absolutely mad, my DH just keeps saying, " well we are not staying so just ignore it" but I just find it childish that she keeps on at us hoping we will change our mind!! ARGHHHH Sorry, Rant Over!
Has anyone had experiences like this with their inlaws!?

OP posts:

LittleMissFlustered · 25/10/2011 11:46

No is a sentence in and of itself. No is a sentence in and of itself. No is a sentence in and of itself. No is a sentence...

ujjayi · 25/10/2011 11:48

Agree with your DH. Just ignore it. When she asks you again just tell her firmly but politely with a smile on your face: "We've already told you no" and promptly change the subject so that there is no opportunity for further debate.

mummyandpig · 25/10/2011 11:51

Just ignore her, she is being childish but there is nothing you can do about that. She is very lucky that she is seeing you all on Xmas day. We( DH, 8 month old DS and myself) are not seeing any family on the actual day and have told PIL that we will see them sometime after Xmas. We are seeing my family on Boxing Day.

Actually....not sure if DH has told PIL this plan yet .

ujjayi · 25/10/2011 11:53

onepieceofcremeegg · 25/10/2011 11:54

Tell her what happened to my mil. (there is a lot of background to this btw)

2 years ago mil slammed the phone down twice on dh when he was trying to make Christmas plans. She would not discuss things and assumed we would feel sorry for her and let her have her own way. (which was we saw ils for the entire Christmas period and excluded everyone else)

In the end (she never rang back) we went ahead and made our own plans, which happened to involve visiting other family.

She finally rang us about a week before again expecting to get her own way but it was too late.

Last year she rang us in October making very tentative and polite enquiries about Christmas. We didn't want all our own way, we just wanted a fair discussion.

Jackstini · 25/10/2011 11:55

Just look at her really puzzled and say "we have already said no, have you forgotten?"
(Unless she genuinely has a problem remembering things...)
Or write it on her calendar - Pickle family for Christmas Day - 10am - 5pm or whatever you want

mummyandpig · 25/10/2011 11:55

ujjayi Hahaha, I was just imagining the post I would write!

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 11:58

Well, we live far too far away to see any family this christmas and was the same last year, so next year we will be back in UK and seeing family boxing day and new years eve only. Christmas day for us is watching the kids open their presents, and trying not to eat too much fatty foods. Assuming dh is home that is.

ujjayi · 25/10/2011 11:59

It is so sad how one day a year can cause so much family tension. We aren't subjected to this on account of my family not being arsed about getting together and always doing their own thing and ILs being very relaxed: would be lovely to see you but understand you may have own plans etc.

Perhaps these MILs/PILs need to be shown these kinds of threads?

CailinDana · 25/10/2011 11:59

My MIL would be exactly like this if she got the chance. She asks questions at least 400 times. I thought FIL was a rude bully when I met him first as he ignores her a lot. Now I know it was just a survival tactic, poor man! So basically, I answer her twice and then ignore after that. I have learned that the extra 398 askings are for own amusement, she doesn't actually seem to expect an answer

WinkyWinkola · 25/10/2011 12:00

Jackstini's advice is good.

I understand that for some people these kind of events are huge in their empty lives but when you are nagged, cajoled or harassed about it, all the pleasure goes.

My pil don't bother with the nagging anymore. They know we are fair and try to see them at Christmas - they usually come here - even though they are Jewish!

LydiaWickham · 25/10/2011 12:02

You could keep repeating "So sorry, I thought I'd told you we're not staying, but thank you for the offer." Exactly the same phrase, over and over... Don't devate, don't try to rephrase it any other way, don't discuss your evening plans. Just 'we are not staying, but thank you for the offer.'

complexnumber · 25/10/2011 12:28

Is she definitely doing it to annoy or because she hopes for a different answer? One of the first signs of my dad's recently diagnosed Alzheimer's was the constant questioning of plans. It got so I would never answer the question on the phone but only in an email that was cc-ed to step-mother.

Original poster

Pickle1234 · 25/10/2011 13:07

Thank you for all your replies, no there is nothing wrong with her memory, she is just hoping that we will change our minds! She is lucky that she is seeing us at all on xmas day so I think I will just take deep breaths and say NO! hahaha.

OP posts:

SharrieTBGinzatome · 25/10/2011 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

oldraver · 25/10/2011 13:39

Tell her yes you have changed your mind.......you wont be coming on Christmas Day as you fed up of her not listening to you nagging

Pandemoniaa · 25/10/2011 13:41

Similar situation to you, Sharrie.

We treat Christmas as a pleasure, not a battleground. Last year, because of two dcs working abroad and the imminent arrival of dgd, dp and I spent most of Christmas Day at home together. It was lovely! This year it will be my grand-daughter's first Christmas and we're absolutely delighted to have been invited to spend Christmas Day with dc2, ddil and dgd. I don't assume that anyone is doing anyone a favour though. Just that we'll all have a thoroughly convivial day.

If you do have pushy relatives then you need to politely confirm (as often as necessary) that yes, you will be with them for Christmas lunch but no, you won't be staying over. Don't let them get to you though.

Original poster

Pickle1234 · 25/10/2011 13:48

Oldraver! You have made my day!!

OP posts:

Merrin · 25/10/2011 14:01

Tell her she has put you under so much pressure with her repeated questioning that you have decided to spend the day at home instead. :o

Merrin · 25/10/2011 14:03

Posted too late... :o

oldraver · 25/10/2011 14:08

Pickle I am aware it is easy to say these things from the safety of the internet. I often think a lot all of mine replies are those we would like to say, but are harder to follow through in real life

C4ro · 25/10/2011 14:14

RE: She is lucky to be seeing us...

It's not seen as a favour precisely but for my case, we don't live at all conveniently near any relatives to see them without quite some hassle, spare holiday days and cost to do it too. This year my parents won't be "lucky" to see me as we are only going to ILs. According to pickles schedule, they are schlepping their way round all bits of the family over 3 days. It might be 6x4 hour drives for all we know.

JessieLeGrund · 25/10/2011 14:26

Good point, Sharrie.

Original poster

Pickle1234 · 25/10/2011 15:56

Thank you for your response C4ro, i dont know why people assume we live close to our relatives, we will be covering more than 200 miles over the 3 days and with a 9mo baby, you are quite right, it does cause somewhat hassle!
As it is my babys first christmas and my mother losing both parents earlier this year, I do consider my MIL to be "LUCKY" to see us as we have sacrificed seeing my close family Christmas day to share the day with her, yet she is still not happy! :-)

OP posts:

RottenRow · 25/10/2011 18:00

My mil also does this when she doesn't get the answer she wanted first time. It's annoying so you have full sympathy. Although she has got better since we had dc so I think she has realised that she isn't the only priority anymore so there is hope for you yet.

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