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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always being let down

16 replies

Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 07:55

Theres a pattern forming from my other threads....I am always let down by family & friends & used as a scape goat.
My sisters will cancel on me to go shopping (even when we've arrange to meet weeks before). I'm always left out of things & it's making me feel very isolated. AIBU?

OP posts:
ScaredTEECat · 20/10/2011 08:01

Sorry, AIBU about what? About how crap they are? No. About letting them do this to you? Yes.

Make some other friends.

Original poster
Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 08:15

Sorry...AIBU for feeling so gutted? I know the world doesn't revolve around me.... Just wish I wasn't always the one they let down.

OP posts:
ScaredTEECat · 20/10/2011 08:22

Of course you're not. What YABU about is that you let them do this to you. Stop making plans with them. When they ask why, tell them.

Find some other people to do things with.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2011 08:23

YANBU... Do you tell them how pissed off you are? Vocalise your annoyance in words of one syllable? Don't feel isolated.... get angry.

Bossybritches22 · 20/10/2011 08:29

If you always expect it, it will always happen- "they"" can only make you feel put down if you let them.

If you make arrangements & they repeatedly change them for no good reason, YANBU. But why keep setting yourself up for disappointment?

Think more positively about yourself & they will too- or if they don't move on, their loss, you are worth more than that!

CompleteMug · 20/10/2011 08:29

I agree. Stop withdrawing to lick your wounds, and start biting back.

You sound so low OP, don't let these people hurt you. You must tell them.

Bossybritches22 · 20/10/2011 08:32

Sorry meant to add, if it's your sisters maybe they are used to using you for social outings only if nothing better comes up?

Make it clear you still love them, just not the behaviour.!

Original poster
Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 08:41

Thank u all soooo much for your responses. I have been feeling really low & was looking forward to spending time with them....(secretly knowing I would be let down at the last minute)....
I feel like I need to tell them...(i have told them before) when I do...they tell me I'm being selfish & the world doesn't revolve around me.
I'm not spoilt or bratty....just want to spend time with my sisters & friends.
I can't take the rejection. I make such an effort...make or buy cakes...& listen when they all have problems etc. I don't do it for the kindness to be returned but it does hurt when I need them & they aren't there for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 08:46

I even sit & take the put-downs from my sisters...although I am married...with a beautiful DS & our own home. I just don't know what to do to stop this cycle.

OP posts:
OchAyeTheNooPal · 20/10/2011 08:48

If you do all that for them and they let you down then they don't deserve you. You're not the one being selfish here.

HermanMumster · 20/10/2011 08:57

Avoid them like the plague, is how to stop the cycle. Find some real friends - blood isn't thicker than water.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 20/10/2011 09:00

You do sound low.

I think if you felt better about yourself you would find it easier to deal with your family's inconsiderate behaviours.

Families fall in to patterns and members into roles. Your role seems to be the 'one who listens and buys cakes' you are the one 'who doesnt mind if we change our plans, you know what she is like, shes fine' They can let you down and you wont mind so they dont worry about you.

I think you will find if you change how you behave you will be suprised at how much difference it makes. I really DONT mean this is your fault. It isnt.

Small steps. You dont have become an amazon overnight Smile. When they let you down you can say 'I made plans because I was expecting you to come so its such a shame you have cancelled'

If you have never said that, even that gentle rebuke will probably pull them up short.

This isnt YOU. Its other people not being considerate of your feelings and valuing your time. Because they dont have to.

x

Original poster
Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 09:05

thefirstmrsdee
You are absolutely right. Thank u so..so much for your response. It made me cry with how much it hit home to me.
The kindness I have recieved on MN tha morning...is more than I have had from my sisters in months. That sounds awful...but true. I really do want to change & be stronger.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 20/10/2011 09:10

I am so glad I have helped a little bit.

You can do it. Change isnt always about fixing something that is 'wrong' with you. It can be a small shift in behaviour that can really alter the way others treat us.

There is nothing wrong with you Smile

I have to do the nursery run now. I hope your day gets brighter.

Bossybritches22 · 20/10/2011 17:52

Rogers1- hope you've had a better day Smile

It's easy to get in a negative downward spiral, I know, been there got several t-shirts Wink

Like any habit that is hard to break ,it won't come easily but start telling yourself you ARE worth the respect you deserve. That you ARE a good person, and you ARE someone who's fun to have around & be with.

Think of it like an excercise- your mental muscles are learnng a new routine & keep doing it like a mantra & your self-esteem will lift.

Do you find yourself saying "oh it's Ok I don't mind!" or apologising for everything? Next time just bite your tongue & remind yourself it is NOT you but them.

Original poster
Rogers1 · 20/10/2011 17:59

Thank u bossy...I will definetly be trying that! My vocab...when it comes to my family is 'that's ok...it's fine'....even when it's not.
Have been in a real lull today but have been making notes of what all you lovely ladies have said so that tomorrow morning I can put today behind me & try again.
I love the wisdom u mnetters have!! Thank u all.

OP posts:
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