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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with dcs headteacher?

19 replies

onwardandupwards · 19/10/2011 23:25

my dd has been bullied by another girl in her class, I have been in to school 5 times to speak to teacher. yesterday the school were talking about Dads who serve in the millitary and are currently away serving abroad, this little girl tells my daughter she doesnt have a dad (I am lone parent) so has no right to be involved in the lesson, my dd comes out of school, tells me in tears what has happened, so i go in to see headteacher after explaining what has happened to her, instead of being supportive the headteacher said my dd has to understand what this other girl is going through and my dd couldnt relate to a father being away and the stress and upset that brings. I am so angry my dd does knows exactly what its like apart from the fact her dad left by his own choice 3yrs ago not sent abroad by army. AIBU to take this matter above the head as she obviously does not care unless of course u have a member of the family serving in the Army. I am so cross!!!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 19/10/2011 23:27

How old are they?

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 19/10/2011 23:28

9 and 11

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 19/10/2011 23:31

Absent by choice, as opposed to absent by work?

Two different forms of sense of abandonment. One knows her father is in danger and worries, one knows her father doesnt give a flying feck.

The 'father issue' has bugger all to do with the 'bullying'. But it does have a psychological effect.

The girls clearly have issues with each other - and it's manifesting in a "who has the most worthy parent" scenario.

How old are they - I'd stick a guess at 7-8 Yo?

worraliberty · 19/10/2011 23:34

Is your DD the 9 or 11yr old?

I'm just trying to get an objective feel for what was said and how IYSWIM

In what way has she bullied your DD in the past?

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 19/10/2011 23:50

My dd is 9. this girl has pushed her over several times, stolen my dds things including her trousers after a swimming lesson (which she later admitted after being questioned by a teacher) cut her own hair and said my dd did it, calls my dd thick/stupid as my dd is behind in school as she has chronic fatigue and kidney problems this girl has more lives than a cat and every time the head has an excuse.

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 20/10/2011 01:18

The HT sounds insensitive and a bit stupid. Why was she arguing the point?

She should be tackling the ongoing bullying! Ask to see a copy of the schools bulying policy....or is it called an anti bullying policy...someone here will know...and then writ to the governors...if nothing changes or the HT does not do something about this!

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 20/10/2011 21:04

Will do that tomorrow as i am getting no where fast! Thank you for advice.

OP posts:
moonshineandspellbooks · 20/10/2011 21:23

I think the head has missed a trick here. This was an ideal opportunity to get both girls to develop some empathy for the other.

My god-daughter had a similar issue and like you I felt very much that the other girl was being allowed to get away with murder because she had a troubled background. But knowing what children are like, I went in quite politely with her mum and discussed it with the teacher and eventually concluded that both girls were equally as bad as each other. It was a really productive meeting however, as we gained some valuable insight and were also able to come up with some solutions.

The most effective solution by far was getting both girls to sit down together with us adults, first separately and then together and say what they thought they could do to learn to live with each other in class. Just the act of getting each of them to listen properly to the other's POV really broke down some barriers and encouraged some respect. There are still difficulties but no one's life is being ruined by bullying and we have confidence in the school to deal with it.

What is the head offering as a way of tackling things or is she just making excuses?

Secrecy · 20/10/2011 21:23

Honestly, I think YANBU. Yes, the other girl needs support. No, that's no reason to make such a hurtful remark (and, more importantly, for it to be dismissed for the other girl's 'greater needs' by the headteacher). Disgraceful. Sad

BigHairyGruffalo · 20/10/2011 21:27

You need to take this further. The HT's reaction was completely unreasonable. I hope everything is resolved for your DD.

halcyondays · 21/10/2011 08:56

Yanbu. What a silly thing for the head to say.

duvetdayplease · 21/10/2011 09:03

YANBU, altho unfortunately the school can't stop the girl saying nasty things. However I would expect them to deal with it afterwards and you deserve more respect than a brush off from the head.

TheRealTillyMinto · 21/10/2011 10:13

YABU the HT has a reason for being more concerned about the other girl. you dont have any right to know what that reason is.

i wonder what the other girls home life is like.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 21/10/2011 10:22

Children are children.

But the HT is being insenstive.

The other girl may well have other stuff going on and of course the OP has no right to know what this is, however, the HT has a duty of care to all of the children.

The other girl might have a completely shit homelife, TRTM, but that does not mean the HT should not take the OP's concerns seriously and respond appropriately.

kelly2000 · 21/10/2011 11:42

I would make a formal complaint to the teacher, and take it over her head by going to the council etc. I would also make a complaint about the teacher in question as she has no right to discriminate against your child because you are a lone parent. You child has a right not be discriminated in school due to her family, and her health problems. The other girl obviously has issues, but they are not your problem and not certainly not DDs. The fact she is being allowed to get away with theft and hurting other pupils is disgraceful. To be honest she sounds disturbed -cutting your own hair to frame someone else is not normal behaviour.
No-one is doing her any favours, she might get away with being a little bitch in school, but when she is older she would not get away with treating work colleagues like this. I know if a work colleague stole from me and harressed me, and hurt me I would call the police regardless of whether her home life was rubbish. It is better for her to learn that this behaviour is unacceptable now, than in ten years time.

MoaninMinny · 21/10/2011 11:56

just for clarification, are you the same parent OP who pops into the school every day to check if your child is feeling iffy?

apologies if not

Dawndonna · 21/10/2011 12:21

Kelly is right. You should write to the governers and copy it to the head. Keep a diary of all the incidents and note them to the governing body. The other girl's problems are nothing to do with your daughter and the school appears to have a serious management problem.

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 22/10/2011 13:15

(I am not the parent who pops into school everyday!)Have taken my concerns above the head now. I do not want to know what is going on with the other girl, just want my dd to have a nice day at school. Yesterday she scrached my dds face and made it bleed again nothing was done. Have tried speaking to her mum and she replied my dd needs to toughen up! Am seriously thinking about not sending my dd back there, dont see why she should have to put up with it.

OP posts:
RaspberryLemonPavlova · 22/10/2011 13:31

YANBU

You should definitely write to your Chair of Governors.

Ask to see a copy of the school's complaints policy.

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