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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is strange

44 replies

Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 23:27

While sorting through some old stuff today, I saw something written which suggested that when I was a toddler, mum was going to take me to the middle East with her then new DP to live! Apparently he got a job out there.

This was 30 years ago. She hadn't been with him long. As the authorities were funny about unmarried couples she changed her name to his to get out there. But get this......I was 2.5 years old and she left me with my Grandma for two weeks while she checked the place out Hmm. It was all expenses paid as I understand it, by his company.

When I asked her why we didn't go she said it was because my real dad vetoed it, and made him out to be the unreasonable one!!!

AIBU to think that a) she was selfish leaving me for two weeks so young and b) that she felt my dad was BU for vetoing it.

I just don't get it. I would never leave my DCs for two weeks and if me and DP split I would never dream of taking them overseas - they love and need both parents. But perhaps my generation is different?

Sorry, bit long.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 18/10/2011 23:28

It was 30 years ago. It was her decision to make not yours. Does it matter?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 23:30

You were 2.5 and she left you with your Granny - not in an orphanage. Get a grip child.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 23:30

It does matter to me, as I feel a bit upset.

Sorry if that offends you Hmm

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 18/10/2011 23:32

YANBU about certain aspects of it, particularly as it was with a new partner, that would make me feel quite funny too.

However, she did leave you with your Grandma, who I am sure took excellent care of you. :)

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 18/10/2011 23:34

Would you rather she'd carted off to who knows where, had it all go horribly wrong, and ended up stranded/abandoned in Darkest Araby with you in tow? You didn't even remember it, you only know because you "read something"...

Birdsgottafly · 18/10/2011 23:36

It is a generational thing, tbh.

Fathers wasn't considered important in the way that they are today, it was culturally acceptable for a man to leave and have no contact.

Maintainance couldn't be claimed and the benefit system didn't exsist, you cannot really imagine what it was like.

She was right to go and check it out. A woman out there who wasn't with her husband was in a dangerous position. In my lifetime (40's) i have seen big changes in safety for women when travelling, there were parts of Greece and Turkey that a woman wasn't safe in.

People left children to travel for work. You have to remember that your GP's would have been of the evactuation generation and the sending unaccompanied children to the Australia's.

pictish · 18/10/2011 23:38

mmmm...think you're looking for a bit of drama OP
You were with your grandmother and perfectly safe, and what's more you don't even remember it.

next!

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 23:41

Bloody hell, you stayed with Granny while she went on holiday

That's worth getting upset over?

I can understand your concern about her wanting to live there with you and leave your Dad behind though.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 23:43

Hhmmm I agree Birds must be a generational thing, and I can only assume that those that have posted otherwise are from my mums era.

And Pictish if I wanted a drama I could have phoned my mum and shouted the odds. Not quite sure how discussing it with strangers on a forum is creating a drama.....Hmm

OP posts:
cory · 18/10/2011 23:50

I don't know about a generational thing: if there had been a good reason I could well have left one of my toddlers with one of their doting grandparents for the grand total of two weeks- doesn't seem a very great abandonment to me. It's just such a tiny amount of time, I can't understand how anyone can care about that years afterwards.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 23:52

I could leave my children too, but not for that length of time. A week at the most would be adequate to check a place out, IMO.

But hey, the MN jury have spoken!

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 18/10/2011 23:56

I honestly can't see the problem.

How long had she been with this bloke? It could have been a very intense relationship. Maybe she got it out of her system, iyswim, while she was away.

ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 18/10/2011 23:56

I dont think two weeks is that massive a length of time IMO, why shouldn't your mum consider moving on with her life? she carefully thought out and considered a drastic move rather than just uping and leaving, and then after having properly thought it all out decided against. it obviously didnt traumatise you seeing as you cant remember it.

Im guessing there might be other issues with your mother which might make you be more inclined to be wanting to think she was shockingly unreasonable? if thats the case then fair enough, we dont know enough to comment, but based on this one incident, I think you can see that an objective opinion has shown your mum to be perfectly reasonable.

begonyabampot · 18/10/2011 23:58

2 weeks? I could understand it was for 2 years. Best if you just let this go, I really don't understand your angst about it, you didn't leave your dad in the end, and I'm not that old.

Original poster
Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 23:58

You are spot on Riding, but everything that has gone on is not appropriate on this forum! You must be telepathic........

OP posts:
Original poster
Arachnophobic · 19/10/2011 00:00

I can understand people saying IABU for being upset about the two week thing, but only one person here has commented on my mum making dad out to be the bad guy for not allowing me to go!!!

Surely that IBU?

OP posts:
ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 19/10/2011 00:02

arachnophobic just a lucky guess, based on vibes from your posts.

I think the best thing to do would be to put this issue to one side, possibly hide this thread if the responses are going to trigger/cause upset about how 'reasonable' you mum is, and concentrate on helping yourself move on from past issues.

If your gran is still around you could possibly speak to her about how you feel about this discovery?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 00:04

Ha - just because I don't think it's terrible to have been left with your Granny for 2 weeks I must be your Mum's generation Grin

Have you not read the threads on here about Mum's of all ages going on holiday without their kids?

You asked if YWBU to think your mother was strange - we said 'no' from what you had said here, crystal ball is too overworked with my own mother to know what other issues you have with yours. If you want a more rounded answer, you'll have to give us more details - if you don't want to give more details the answer will have to be based on those you gave. It's kind of how it works.

yellowraincoat · 19/10/2011 00:05

Your mum had her own life, things she wanted to do. Think it's far better that she left you with your Gran while she checked it out.

We were left with my Gran countless times, for long periods, btw. I think that's pretty normal.

You don't really know the ins and outs and nor do we, as to why your mum thinks your dad is the bad guy. I'd just let sleeping dogs lie.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 00:08

It's 30 years ago - it's an eye rolling thing now. Your Dad did what he felt was right, your Mum was trying to do what she thought was right. It's all a long, long time ago. You don't know what your life would have been like if you had gone. You don't know much about what was going on in your Mum's life then. It was her life. This is your life. Don't waste your life stressing about the choices she made (or wasn't able to make) in her life.

KouklaWhooooo · 19/10/2011 00:11

From what you've said in your OP your mother was NBU - she was probably hoping fro a better life for you. Leaving you with Grandma for 2wks while she scopes out a new country/life is not crime of the century.

But there is obviously more to this than your OP, so I can't say.

Pandemoniaa · 19/10/2011 01:41

I suspect that there must be much more to this than we've been told. Only I cannot see anything strange in the OP's mother checking whether a country was suitable to move the family to. Two weeks seems a perfectly reasonable (if fairly brief) time to make this assessment too. If, instead of staying with her grandmother, the OP had been left at the orphanage gates with a label round her neck "Please keep for a fortnight while I gallivant off to the Middle East" there might be some grounds to be pissed off. But from the evidence presented this comes across as a quite ridiculous drama.

Also, I can quite easily believe that the OP's father vetoed a move abroad and can't see why this is such a horrifying idea. When my dcs were 5 & 6 I had the chance to move to Australia (I have dual nationality and family there) but turned it down because I couldn't see how my soon to be ex-h could possibly sustain a good relationship with his sons. Had I not made this decision, I'm fairly sure he'd have been reluctant to see us move abroad. Wouldn't most caring fathers?

NinkyNonker · 19/10/2011 08:15

She sounds very sensible, going to check it out on advance. I'm 30 by the way, what generation am I?!

As others have said, in the older generations it was not unusual for men to disconnect completely from their children and it wasn't as frowned on as now. As such I can perhaps understand why a woman might assume she had the right to make the decision. Maybe it was a fantastic opportunity for you both she felt sad about missing out on?

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 19/10/2011 08:21

My spider senses are telling me a major drip feeding is coming

She left you for 2 week with your gran not for two years with rabid wolves

TestAnswers · 19/10/2011 08:22

YABU - it was only two weeks and with a close family member who I am sure loved you very much. As far as your dad is concerned then YANBU.