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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move house

22 replies

workshy · 17/10/2011 00:47

ex is screwing me over with him having the kids while I'm at work and it's going to cost me my job
I have only worked in one field so won't be able to get a job at the same salary that is 9-5 so wont be able to afford the mortgage

my option is to move my current job within the same company closer to my parents who will then pick up the out of hours babysitting

but its an hour away from their dad and they will have to move schools (yr 3&5)

should I be thinking about moving or looking for another job?

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/10/2011 01:04

Can't friends help?

HerScaryness · 17/10/2011 01:16

Go for it. Take back your life.

Original poster

workshy · 17/10/2011 01:19

I work shifts so not really fair to ask my friends although they do help in an emergency

part of me wants to but feel like the only people I know near my parents, are my parents -feels like admitting failure

OP posts:

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 02:18

How will it affect the rest of your life? Friends, social life etc?

If you think you could be happy living there, living near your parents and having to rely on their help then I'd do it.

He will have to make more effort to see the kids - that's his problem, not yours.

If the kids have to move school to enable you to support them then that's the way it has to be, they'll soon make new friends and it's not too far that they can't occasionally see any special friends.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 02:19

Mind you - if you were my friend IRL I'd much rather help you out and have your kids a lot than have you move away. Maybe you need to talk to some of your friends and tell them what you are thinking of doing, see what they say. I'd hate for one of my good friends to move away because of this if I could help instead.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/10/2011 02:22

No, YANBU.

Where is the failure? There is none on your part. You are trying to find the best solution to provide for your children. How could that possibly be a failure?

An hour is not an insurmountable distance for him to travel, many people do that on a daily basis to get to/from work. And you're not moving there to spite him, but to stay employed and provide for your children! Your children are also young enough to settle into new schools relatively easy, and will probably love seeing more of their grandparents.

Although you say you don't know anyone there bar your parents, that will change. You say you work shifts, so presumably you will sometimes be taking your children to school some days. This gives you the opportunity to meet others, and a topic of conversation for openers.

GypsyMoth · 17/10/2011 10:14

What's your ex actually doing? Screwing you over?? How?

Original poster

workshy · 17/10/2011 21:35

I work alternate weekends and cannot find paid childcare

when we split up he agreed to have them alternate weekends -pick them up from school friday, drop them back there on monday

the shifts I work are 2-10 on friday, 10 hours on saturday anytime beween 7&7, 9-6 on sundays and 6-3 mondays
I also do 8.30 till 5 shifts during the week and work 5 days out of 7
I am supposed to be flexible but work has agreed the 8.30-5 shifts as family friendly hours so I can use childcare -I have to do a minimum of 1 early and 1 late a week to cover other key holders days off and my weekend pattern covers this

he will email me on thursday to tell me he can't have them on friday, or sunday he will appear with them on the doorstep telling me he can't have them the next day

he also reviews on a fortnightly basis depending on the weather (he lives a whole 6 miles away at the moment)

I can't cope with with not knowing from one week to the next if he will have them -my parents end up driving over to get them and my friend will always help me out in the morning but evenings are too much to ask, she has a 2 year old and another one on the way, an 8 year old and is exhausted by the end of the day

I only moved to this area when DD1 started school and have always worked so know plenty of people to say hello to or pass the time of day but not really friends

OP posts:

LineRunner · 17/10/2011 21:40

Dear Workshy, If I could have my time again .... I'd have moved when my DC were very young, as soon as I realised that ExDH was going to be able to screw me over like this and control my life and mess with all our heads.

I'd move, while you can.

cjbartlett · 17/10/2011 21:41

well you could quit work and try to get more maintenance from him

if you move closer to your parents will you need a new job as well as a new school

can you talk to him? tell him you're thinking of moving because he keeps letting you down?

what do yuor parents think? could his parents help out?

Eglu · 17/10/2011 21:41

I think it is reasonable to move. You obviously want to keep working in the same field and supporting your family. Your ex is a complete twunt.

Original poster

workshy · 17/10/2011 21:52

I can move locations within the same company on the same salary grade -may not be immeadiate but I can cope with the commute in the short term

my parents think he is a tosser

he lives with his parents and has decided they aren't 'allowed' to help out (he thinks I'm using them)

any maintainance would be nice! -it's like pulling teeth!
he is on low wage -csa calculations are £140 a month, wouldn't increase even if I wasn't working

I can down grade at work and work monday - friday 8.30-5.30 but it's a 10k pay cut and my mortgage is based on current salary

OP posts:

HerScaryness · 17/10/2011 22:04

Love, how is moving back near your only support a failure?

I lived in London for 20 years. I moved abroad for a few years and then came home. I'm back now in a village 15 minutes from my mum. I'm not a failure.

I don't actually care what anyone who knew me from back then thinks any more, I don't know them anyway I see a few familiar faces, but don't talk to them.

You do what you need to do. Is your parent's area any cheaper to live in? [hopeful emoticon] You are coming home victorious love, you fought this twat and can STILL stand on your own two feet! Bugger what anyone says, you are doing FINE! let your parents help you, it's worth it's weight in gold, both to you as childcare and to your DC and your parents for the DC to spend good quality time with each other.

Original poster

workshy · 17/10/2011 22:14

it's about the same money wise so can afford 3 bedroom house near a decent primary and in catchment for a state grammar school

looking more attractive by the minute

OP posts:

HerScaryness · 17/10/2011 22:47

There's no place like home, There's no place like home

[Grin]

LineRunner · 17/10/2011 23:05

OP, It's easier to move now when your DC are 5 and 3, rather than when they're 12 and 9 with settled schools and friendship groups and when your Ex has made damn sure through his non-routine that your career progression is compromised.

Oh, and consider that if you stay where you are, you'll maybe have fewer friends than you should because you can never go out as babysitters cost your weekly food shop budget. (Personal experience!)

Go where you have the support network whilst you can. Earn while you can.

I wish I had. Now I'm faced with moving back where I want to be when the DC are older. Not the best solution for anyone, really.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster

workshy · 17/10/2011 23:08

they are 10 & 8 (school years 3&5) and have some really good friends and will not want to move -if I thought they wouldn't be bothered I would have gone 18 months ago when we split

hindsight eh? lol

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 18/10/2011 06:36

Moving sounds like a good idea to me. That way you can make the arrangements you need to so you can work and you won't be at the mercy of your ex. You also get to be close to what sounds like supportive family. It sounds like he is really enjoying having the power to screw you over on a regular basis. You kids may not want to move, but they will get over it - honest

Inertia · 18/10/2011 07:03

The children will make friends, and if ex stays there they may be able to meet up with current friends while staying with him. Keeping them housed and fed is the priority - it's absolutely not a failure to make use of child care help from your parents, it's very sensible.
I bet your ex is only going to get worse in terms of making life difficult for you-you need to take control back by moving to where you have support. Keep a diary of the occasions where he has refused / cut short his contact time with the DC.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/10/2011 10:37

So the only negative is that the children don't want to leave their friends? At 10 and 8 they will soon make new friends, definitely better to move whilst their still in primary. Your eldest would be moving schools soon anyway and make a whole bunch of new friends regardless.

I'd start discussing the move with your employer and house-hunting today, personally.

As an aside, how well do you get on with the PIL? Do they know their son doesn't allow them to have more contact with their grandchildren? Or did they raise a tosser by being tossers themselves?

caramelwaffle · 18/10/2011 10:48

Put in for that transfer whilst your employers are still offering it. Good luck with everything.

Eglu · 18/10/2011 20:43

They will settle into a new school quickly. I just moved my DSes, the eldest is 8 and not good with change but he is settling really well.

Go for it.

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