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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to pick the children up?

18 replies

macdoodle · 14/10/2011 19:56

I work a long day on a Friday from 8:30-6:30/7. Its pretty heavy going.
XH has the DC after school (when he's around, he works away a lot). The mediation agreement is till 7pm and he drops them back to me.
I work 5minutes from home.
For the last few weeks, he has texted me about 6pm asking if I can get them from his on my way home. I have done to keep life easy and calm. About half the time he asks for a lift to the pub on my way home.
Thing is his house isnt on my way home. Its in the oppposite direction completely. Now we arent talking massive distances.
But I can be home in 5 minutes. If I have to get them, it takes 5-10 mins to his, 5-10 mins to get them in the car, and 5-10 mins home.
So a quick 5 min journey after a full on 10 hours at work can turn into a 30minute journey.
But it feels petty, and he will make out like I am being petty and selfish for not doing it. But its a big deal for me. It lets me get home quick and a quick sit down and cuppa if I have 5 minutes to myself to recharge.
So tonight, I fibbed and said I was already home, and then raced home and put my pj's on.
So AIBU, should I just get them :( XH doesnt have them a lot, never overnight, is away a lot, so its rare for me to ahve any child free time.

OP posts:

Emo76 · 14/10/2011 20:03

If it was agreed that he would drop them back to you then that's what should happen. Bloody cheek asking for a lift to the pub!

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 20:05

Id constantly say you are at home, then get home and put your PJ's on. It makes for a quieter life.

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 20:08

YANBU.

He doesn't need details and you don't need to give excuses. Just say you can't.

Now stop the guilt trip you're putting yourself on (he's not putting you on it, he's just trying his luck and hoping you're a soft touch, which you are being!) you have nowt to feel guilty for. Don't even put your PJ's on. Do NOT rush. JUST. SAY. NOPE!

ChippingIn · 14/10/2011 20:10

Just say 'No, sorry I can't, see you at 7 at mine'. No excuses, no explanations. EX not DH.

minimisschief · 14/10/2011 20:14

you do not have to just say no.

why does a 10 minute journey there and back take 30 minutes?

RandomMess · 14/10/2011 20:17

Turn your phone off

lurkinginthebackground · 14/10/2011 20:28

YANBU. He dosen't have them a lot and you do most of the running around so no, have your 5 mins piece, you deserve it.

CreamolaFoamless · 14/10/2011 20:46

your children are more important than a gripe with your exh.

Stop .......take a breath ...then pick your kids up

If he's arse-ing you about ....tell him . But tell him instead of playing little games

diddl · 14/10/2011 20:49

I´d rather pick them than leave them with someone who´d rather be down the pub.

Can see why it annoys though & I wouldn´t give him a lift.

zest01 · 14/10/2011 21:16

How old are DC? Just curious as I have 5 DC and no way does it take 10 min to get them in the car( and 2 are in proper carseats still)! If your agreement is that he will drop them off then in theory you can just say no, but it does sound VERY petty if it's adding just 10 or 15 min to your journey. Sorry but if he is 10 mins from your work and your work is 5 min from home I am really struggling to see how it's adding 30 min to your journey??!

I would not be dropping off the pub though - that's pushing his luck imo

Trills · 14/10/2011 21:21

YANBU. It was agreed, you don't owe him anything, your children don't suffer at all by having him drop them off instead of you going to get them.

ChippingIn · 15/10/2011 09:50

Oh wont someone think of the children??

FGS the children aren't suffering at all being dropped home by their father as agreed.

Zest it adds time to her journey because he lives 10 mins in the opposite direction (there and back 20 mins, plus getting in the car faffing about time).

He doesn't do much for his children, why shouldn't he drop them back. He just doesn't want the car so he can drink... that's his problem, not hers.

janedeflorette · 15/10/2011 09:59

Agree YANBU, and don't explain, just say no!

Original poster

macdoodle · 15/10/2011 10:17

Thought there might be some mixed comments. The girls are fine (they are 10 and almost 4 BTW), it makes no odds to them really who brings them home, except they get home to mum who has had time to take her shoes off and have a cup of tea if dad brings them, rather than frazzled mum who hasnt stopped all day if I get them.
I lose all perspective with my XH, he amazingly still has the knack to make feel totally shit about whatever I do.
His flat is 10 minutes in the opposite direction so its 10 mins there and prob just over back to mine, worse if there's traffic, and faffing getting all their stuff (which he never has ready), getting them in the car saying goodbye etc.
On a good run it can maybe take 15-20mins, on a bad run over half an hour.
Though all that is beside the point, the mediation agreement states he brings them back to me at 7pm. Sometimes I have to rush like a loon to make sure I am done by 7pm, and boy does he moan if I am 5mins lates. He is a stickler for the agreement when it suits him, not so much when it doesnt.
Apart from that, he is away more than half the year, and when he is away, my lovely childminder has them and she is only round the corner from me.
He has started to do it on a Tues as well, which is the other afternoon he has them when he is here.
Problem is we have an uneasy truce at the moment, if I say I won't be picking them up, it will open up a barrage of abuse, with me being called a fat, lazy cow (or worse), and often him stop seeing them for a few weeks as "punishment".

OP posts:

clam · 15/10/2011 10:39

Fine, let him get on with it. Disengage.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/10/2011 10:47

He is being a cheeky git, and taking advantage, macdoodle, and in your position I would do exactly what you did.

But if he is going to take it out on the children if you don't 'oblige' him, that does change things a bit. It's wrong, and giving in to his emotional blackmail, but perhaps you should do it. Unless the girls wouldn't be worried by not seeing him, in which case, call his bluff.

A difficult and unpleasant situation for you to be in why did you leave this prince among men?!

ChippingIn · 15/10/2011 10:51

How would the girls feel if it caused him not to see them for a few weeks? Is your 10 yo old enough to understand you taking a stand on this?

If not and they would be upset I wouldn't make a point of saying that you will not ever pick them up, I would just keep saying 'Sorry, can't tonight, will be there by 7 though'... keep the peace a bit, but don't give in would be my stance.

Tyr · 15/10/2011 11:02

He agreed 7pm. What has changed since that agreement? I'd refuse unless there is something in return for you. If he only has limited contact, returning them an hour early stinks, in my view. Why does he never take them overnight?

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