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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlled crying for 6 week old?!

28 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 12/10/2011 10:31

I know people are against this and feel it's too young - me included - but I also feel I am unintentionally doing it. I have 6wo twin girls and just fed dtd1, settled her in the travel cot bassinet in the livingroom, then fed dtd2 (cannot tandem feed - I've tried and now have mastitis too), while feeding dtd2, dtd1 started crying (basically she loves cuddles). If I stopped feeding to cuddle dtd1, dtd2 would scream as she's hungry and as soon as I stop cuddling dtd1, she will cry anyway so I end up feeding one and listening to the other crying. dtd1 settled herself after a while (about 10 minutes).

I don't know how to avoid this but I feel terrible doing it as I know babies shouldn't be left to cry for that long - I goes against all my maternal instincts.

Is there a better way? AIBU doing this?

OP posts:

SnapesMistress · 12/10/2011 10:35

Can your partner not hold the other one, when your alone it will be unavoidable unless you want to have one balanced on your lap/on your feet while the feed the other.

Don't feel guilty, your not leaving them for hours, it won't do them any harm.

NinkyNonker · 12/10/2011 10:37

Ahhhh don't beat yourself up. If you sit with one twin next to you so if can feel, smell, see you while you feed the other then it will be fine. if you were leaving it (sounds awful, it, sorry) next door on its own it would be different I think but if it is still with you then it won't feel alone...if that makes sense?

They are only this little and dependent for a very short time, it will get easier!

latrucha · 12/10/2011 10:37

I think you may have posted thi in the wrong place but FWIW

I was hoisting up my judgy pants to come on and tell you 'no' but actually it sounds like you're doing a really great job in a stressful situation. Really well done.

You are clearly concerned about it though so I hope some mums of twins will be on to help. It must have happened before.

I did wonder if you had a local Tamba or breastfeeding support group who might help you with tandem feeding. Not necessarily because you should but it might help make the whole thing less stressful for you.

NinkyNonker · 12/10/2011 10:38

If you are sitting on the sofa or bed or whatever could you lie the other one next to you so you can stroke her head or have your hand on her belly or something?

4madboys · 12/10/2011 10:38

well i think you have twins, there are times when one IS going to cry whilst you deal with the other one.

could you maybe have a bouncy chair at your feet and put twin not being fed in that and then if they cry you could bounce it with your foot?!!

reallytired · 12/10/2011 10:38

I don't think you are doing controlled crying. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances. You are balancing the needs of two babies.

aldiwhore · 12/10/2011 10:40

10 minutes is not long, and though its a controlled crying of sorts I wouldn't worry too much about 'labels'. You are doing what you CAN do, and if you're going to be around the most with your babies, then I think you need to get into a copeable routine. Yes if your DH is around it would be good for him to hold one whilst you feed t'other, but this may also be counterproductive as they really will work themselves into a frenzy when that 'service' isn't there.

YANBU. 10 minutes is not long, and I suspect that both your babies will get used to the routine quickly, without any suffering of any kind.

The key thing with controlled crying is the 'control' element, its a myth that you simply leave a child to cry, though I know many people who take it to extremes and that is something I'm not comfortable with. EVERYONE has moments when they have to leave a baby to cry, when they're on the loo for example.

Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure there will be plenty of mums of twins on these boards to give you some reassurance and great advice.

And hope the mastitus sorts itself out soon OUCH I remember it well. x

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 10:43

You simply have to try and cuddle one baby while feeding the other. Easier said than done, I know.

Much sympathy for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 10:45

There's crying and there's crying. Not all cries indicate distress, some are just 'noise' - because that's the only noise small babies can make. If you're satisfied that one twin is being noisy rather than in any distress (and you're in by far the best position to judge) then it's OK to leave them alone for a few minutes. Nothing bad will happen.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 10:47

That isn't controlled crying. That is just you not being superhuman, only having two hands, and not being capable of doing everything at once. Don't feel too bad about it, you are clearly doing the very best you can.
And congratulations on your twin girls :)

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 10:54

Right, got time for a longer post now.

You need to just keep "coping" until they're a little bigger and less delicate, and thus easier to cuddle and feed one-handed.

Also, don't write off tandem-feeding forever just yet. I can't remember when we three achieved it, but I think the boys when older than six weeks!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/10/2011 11:08

You are my hero. Seriously. You have six week old twins. They are both safe, fed and loved. Presumably DP/DH is at work at the moment and you still have time to go on mumsnet!! Honestly, you're doing brilliantly. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't let your mind run away with you. You're a star.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 12/10/2011 11:12

I had a toddler and a baby and sometimes if my DD needed to do something like go to potty my DS would have to cry until I could get to him. With 2 or more you do have to prioritize. Give yourself a break you're looking after 2 newborns.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 11:12

That isnt controlled crying. And as my MIL says, if you can hear them crying, you know they are ok.. its when they go quiet you need to worry. (thats a bit tongue in cheek of course), but you have twins, you have no choice at times and there are bound to be plenty of occasions when one baby is crying and you are dealing with the other one..

Sarahplane · 12/10/2011 11:13

Could you try one of those baby swing things? Might make it easier to keep one happy while feeding the other. Good luck.

BreadCrumbsandButterBeans · 12/10/2011 11:24

What 4madboys said. The bouncy chair is your friend in this situation.

I went through the same emotions when my DTDs were a similiar age. One feed, the other cried then swapped them over. Made me feel horribly guilty.

FWIW in a few months time when your twins are sitting up and playing, they'll begin to entertain each other and this stressful bit will be all but a distant memory.

whackamole · 12/10/2011 11:29

Princess - this is not controlled crying, this is trying to sort two babies at once!

I have twins, and the first 6-8 weeks were the hardest. I was able to tandem feed so that cut down the wailing for me, but they just didn't want to sleep in moses baskets at night so we ended up co-sleeping.

My advice is, as others have said, get a bouncy chair. You can bounce it with your toe while feeding one, and they can see you. Use a rolled up blanket or towel to support the head. Or, put the hoover on while you feed! Seriously - white noise, they seem to love it.

But please, please, try not to feel awful or guilty about it. They are not crying because they are in pain, hungry or anything else awful - they are crying because they want you, and having to wait for a while will not hurt them at all.

whackamole · 12/10/2011 11:32

Actually get 2 bouncy chairs.

LaWeasel · 12/10/2011 11:38

Twins! Wow, not remotely an expert, but you sound like you're doing great to me.

There are two of them, unfortunately it's always going to be very very difficult (if not impossible) to have a situation where you are always able to give them the same amounts of attention. If you aren't able to cuddle both at the same time having the second twin as close as possible where they can see you in a bouncy chair/on the floor/next to you on the sofa may help.

There's also a multiple birth section here and there are lots of parents there who can probably give you more detailed advice on coping when they are tiny. Good luck!

mummytotwoboys · 12/10/2011 11:39

Have you tried putting one baby in a car seat and rocking it with your toe while you feed second baby? I dont have twins but my two boys love their cuddles and if baby is crying while im reading or playing with one of them, I just rock her with my toe. You can also kind of put your foot on her and wiggle it so she feels you there, maybe it would help to soothe her. Just a suggestion. Good Luck!!! Oh and dont feel guilty, you sound like you are doing a great job. :)

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 12/10/2011 11:42

We have 2 bouncy chairs - they are fab. One is asleep in one at the moment and the other is in the travel cot. DD1 (3) is bouncing on the arm chair as it's her "castle" and I'm not allowed to play apparently, so I'm having tea and mn time before it all kicks off again in about an hour!

Thanks for being so lovely - I'm always hard on myself and want to do better.

tbh they cry less than dd1 did as she had colic, but dtd seems to be getting reflux like dd1 had. Oh and of course dh cuddles the one I'm not feeding when he's home but he works full time an hour away so not on call for me.

OP posts:

whathappenedtom · 12/10/2011 12:33

you are doing a brilliant job in what is a tough job for any parent. i have'nt got twins but am guessing this is just part of the course with multiples. Is there anyone who can help? Homestart. I really would try not to feel bad.

busybee20 · 12/10/2011 15:27

Personally I would put a dummy in the baby's mouth and /or place in a vibrating bouncer or baby swing. Sometimes they work wonders. Also less stressful for you.

mrszimmerman · 12/10/2011 15:34

god, three kids!
Women like you deserve rose petals to be thrown at your feet, don't know how you do it.
I would assume it's hard as hell but these times go by quickly and before you know it they're gone!
I think the most important thing is try hard to be confident in yourself and your own instincts as you find out what works for YOU and them. It has to be tailored to your needs. This is a lifetime's process but it's never to early to start building your own self confidence as a mother and it sounds like you already have self belief which is great.
Do what you find works best. And MOST important of all, a friend reminded me this when ds was tiny and I was stressed, she said "you don't look like you're enjoying him, you look worried and anxious" I immediately tried to consciously stop worrying as often as I could and just sit and bliss out with my two when they were tiny. It goes so quickly doesn't it and you can't believe such long long days can be so gone!
Good Luck you're heroic! Lucky kids!

ZonkedOut · 12/10/2011 15:35

I had/have something similar with a baby and toddler. I found that often, the baby cried for a bit then fell asleep, she seemed to need a cry at times.

I have let her cry for 20 minutes or more when dealing with the toddler, some things aren't easy to interrupt, like bath or dinner. It doesn't seem to have done her any harm.

She is now 6 months old and we all have some sort of routine, so I don't often need to let her cry for long any more, thankfully. I hated doing it, but sometimes there was just no choice, and I'm sure that's the same for twins.

Congratulations on your twins, and it does get easier!

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