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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that partners baby's Mother is getten their baby Christened the weekend were getting Married?

300 replies

19111990 · 06/10/2011 20:21

Well me and my partner are getting married in 5 weeks. His baby mum knows this and decided to do the christing the same weekend.

Her problem is the fact he didnt tell him and she had to find out from someone else, so when she found out about this she decided to do the christening the same weekend. She is doing it out of spite in my opion. another problem is me and her dont get along so we dont speak. The reason he never told him himself is because he dont want to speak to her unless it is to do with the baby.

I am on two minds on putting the wedding back! The poeple i have spoke to about it tell me I shouldnt put it back because that will be giving her what she want's. Ijust dont to be making thing's worst between them two and dont want him missing out on the baby's Christening!

Any advice on what i should do about it please?

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 06/10/2011 21:17

Oh, lots of cross posts. Am surprised you were planning to get married without inviting his child...

notso · 06/10/2011 21:20

I would imagine given the other posts 'baby mum' was a mistake LoveInAColdClimate.

ScaredBear · 06/10/2011 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickensaregreen · 06/10/2011 21:22

Are you 21?

It sounds like she has certainly done this to annoy. Be the bigger person, change the date and move on.

Roseflower · 06/10/2011 21:23

Hang on has she actually booked it yet?

You can't just decide you want to roll up to a church to get Christened- some vicars want to meet parents first, ask you to attend a service and have allocated weekends for baptisims in the Sunday service.

I know we couldn't just pick we were told when the next date was and had to go on a small course beforehand.

Also it can only legally be on a Sunday so unlikely to clash with your wedding

notso · 06/10/2011 21:24

So OP you and your partner arrange a wedding without having the decency to tell his childs mother about the wedding, or even include the child in the wedding. Then you are surprised when she is pissed off.

LoveInAColdClimate · 06/10/2011 21:26

Oh, you're probably right, notso, thanks. Sorry, OP, if I unfairly attacked your terminology. However, I do still feel uncomfortable with the fact that you and your fiancé didn't tell the mother of his child that you were getting married. I must say, the whole situation sounds less than desirable. Might it be an option to all sit down and discuss the situation openly? I know you say your partner doesn't like communicating with his ex, but there is a child involved who will be part of your family for the rest of your life once you get married, and her mother comes as part of that package...

Original poster
19111990 · 06/10/2011 21:27

Right this account is being deleted, i got told to come on here for good advice, when all honesty all this is, is people judging my partners parenting skill's that have nothing to do with this post.

People assuming i cheated while them two were together... also never happend.

Alot of use saying his baby should be there... I couldnt agree more to be honest, His 'child's mother has always said the child will not be part of any of his relationships as she dont want the child meeting other women. You would think after nearly 2 years, am not just a random person he picked up of the street. am guessing alot of you will have something to say about that too.

If this is what mumsnet is about i dont think i would like to be apart of it :)

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 06/10/2011 21:28

Her problem is the fact he didnt tell him
Its taken me ages to work out you meant your partner didnt tell his ex, couldnt figure out who "him" was. I to am finding this all quite hard to read, sorry.

Lulumama · 06/10/2011 21:28

wow, you are a little ray of sunshine !

you are not involving his 2.5 year old daughter in the wedding

classy Hmm

Gigondas · 06/10/2011 21:29

didnt her mil (To be ) tell the child's mother about the wedding which is what prompted

also I thought op had said that given her partner and the mother of his child don't get along, mother had said child couldn't be at the wedding (which is pretty unreasonable but these things happen).

I know in an ideal world it would be easier for people to communicate when they are both parents -but sadly its not an ideal world.

Op - if it is a christening (ie in a church etc) then I'd agree with others that its only going to be on a sunday. If you're wedding isnt that day then no problem. if It is on the same day then I would think about moving it - it may stick in your throat but I think doing the bigger thing for this child says a lot about you (wouldn't you want someone to do the same for your little one ?).

ScaredBear · 06/10/2011 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveInAColdClimate · 06/10/2011 21:31

OP, you have had some good advice, you just didn't like it.

Roseflower · 06/10/2011 21:31

OP why dont you start again and tell us the facts in a bit more detail in chronlogical order?

Gigondas · 06/10/2011 21:31

sorry op - I'd like to think that mumsnet was a bit better than this but clearly its not [I know this is aibu but ffs...]

can you try posting this in step parents as the people who generally post there are likeluy to have had experience on this kind of issue.

2rebecca · 06/10/2011 21:33

Agree a 2 1/2 year old isn't a baby and I find it odd that you refer to her as such.
Christening a 2 1/2 year old is a bizarre thing to do though and it sounds as though it has been arranged to spoil your wedding. Your partner's parents will be feeling rather torn by things, although at 2 1/2 a christening isn't a "meet the baby" party the way it is with a 4 month old.
I'm divorced and would never have just let my husband "find out" about my remarriage.

MaryPoppinsMagic · 06/10/2011 21:35
MyPod · 06/10/2011 21:38

He WBU to not tell his ex that he was getting married. Not cool. He should also try to sort out his access arrangements properly and find a way to have his dd at his wedding. He should stop the not talking bollocks and him getting married is to do with the child.

She IBU to deliberately organise the christening on the same weekend.

YABU to not put the wedding back because 'that will be giving her what she want's'. You can't spend the rest of your life being manipulated into stuff because someone who you have no control over is an awkward cow. Either decide that you can fit in both things or prioritise one but do it based on what is best for the dcs, you and your dp, not what is worst for the ex.

notso · 06/10/2011 21:38

I would imagine given OP only booked 6 months ago it is likely the wedding would be on an 'unpopular' day like a Sunday.

AuntiePickleBottom · 06/10/2011 21:39

OP this is the 'am i be unreasoable fourm'

the beauty of this tiny part of MN is that we don't have to be all fluffy and hugs.

Birdsgottafly · 06/10/2011 21:39

I doubt that the average 2 1/2 year old would want to be forced to dress in uncomfortable clothes and go to church, to witness something that they don't understand, whilst being to hot or to cold and then be overtired but have to sit waiting for people to finish eating.

Break ups happen, sometimes before babies are born, either (or both) parent are allowed to move on.

It also says a lot about the ex if the Christening is booked and the father not consulted beforehand, to make sure his side of the family can attend. The Christening is about the child, the wedding isn't, the marriage concerns the child and ex, but not the actual ceremony.

Original poster
19111990 · 06/10/2011 21:40

yer i have had good advice and i will take it but there are people assuming things.

I also mentioned putting the wedding back.. that was also my idea my fiance dont want to do that.

I have tried speaking to his child's mother about it, she dont want to speak to me nothing more i can do.

She hasnt booked any thing she wants it done that weekend though and it does fall the same day the christening will be done on nthe Sunday but because were not having a big wedding were having it in a registry office thats when are wedding is.

Sorry about poeple not being able to read my post never have been good with grammer.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 06/10/2011 21:40

As someone who found out that my ex had got engaged to his new gf through Facebook, I have some sympathy with your DPs ex. Particularly when it turned out that you'd both made little effort to include his DD in your wedding.

Had he had the decency to tell his ex face to face, suggested that she meet you and perhaps offered to provide some professional photos of her DD looking beautiful in a bridesmaid dress, then perhaps her reaction would have been different.

As it is, he seems to be quite happy to miss out on his DDs christening, as it's you that's considering delaying the wedding, not him. Perhaps that's why you've not been greeted with the level of sympathy you think you deserve.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 06/10/2011 21:43

OP calm down. You used the terminology 'the baby' about a toddler which confused a lot of posters, including me, for a while. I once had a school friend whose family used 'the baby' when talking about her little brother even though he was about 2 at the time so I know it can be used as a term of affection but even I thought you were posting about an actual baby.

If you look at the top, there is an acronyms list which you can check out to see what is common usage on here, which will help to avoid confusion, hopefully.

I think some of the posters are being a little bit harsh. It's all very well saying your DP (dear partner) should have told his ex and that you should have his DD (dear daughter) at the wedding. Unfortunately when you're dealing with unreasonable exes it isn't always possible to do things that way.

As some have already said christenings are on Sundays so assuming your DP's ex is actually get her DD christened on that weekend it's unlikely to clash with your wedding, unless, of course, you're getting married on the Sunday. If you are getting married on the Saturday and the christening is on the Sunday then there's no reason why you can't do both.

griphook · 06/10/2011 21:43

I think that basically you have two options you either move the wedding or go ahead. if it was me then I would go ahead with the wedding.

My dp's ex could also be a bit awarkward if we had a family get togethers. Dp meets up with his whole family once a year and ex would often make arrangements to be doing something on that day, even through it was the same weekend every year, and if it didn't fall on our set weekend she wouldn't budge, So dss wouldn't be able to come. Which was a real shame as he would miss out on seeing a whole part of his family.

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