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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found out my best friends DH is cheating

21 replies

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/09/2011 18:15

This is more of a what would you do than a AIBU but need some help. My best friend has not been married a year. Other month he left her as he said he was fed up with the life there where living (feeling trapped as he is married with 2 kids).

My friend who I shall call V to make it easier was devasted. She was begging him not go and leave her but he did. After a month of being apart he came back saying sorry it is the family life he wants. I was happy for V but thought he has been a bit of a prick.

Well yesterday I found it to be local knowledge that he is playing away. Before they split while they was split and also the other night. My friend V has no idea.

There is not 1 girl the is supposely a few different ones. This is going to get back to her eventually I'm sure. But I hate the fact she is happy that she has her husband back but every one around knows he is cheating on her.

I once saw a glimmer of this when I was at a party of there while her DH was becoming wry friendly with a friend.

I dot know what to do. I don't want to be the one who tells her and I don't want to be the one lying to her.

Please help what would you do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 18:16

She is your friend

You have to tell her

daenerysstormborn · 29/09/2011 18:18

agree you need to tell her, but be wary that sometimes in these cases it's a case of shoot the messenger.

Original poster

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/09/2011 18:18

But what if he denies it all and says I'm spreading gosip. She seems really happy at the minute that he is back she will probably believe him.

OP posts:

ThePumpkinKing · 29/09/2011 18:18

If she's your best friend, tell her.

She needs people she can rely on and trust, and her DH doesn't appear to be one of them.

Happymm · 29/09/2011 18:20

TBH I would always have to say something. My loyalty would be to my best friend. Not her prick of a husband.

Yes, she will be devastated and upset. But how much more upset is she going to feel to know that her best friend who she trusts has also been lying to her?

Not an easy thing, as the messenger can be shot for a whie, but am sure she'd appreciate knowing in the end. Especially as if he's playing away with lots of women then could pick up an STD etc

Good luck.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 18:21

What you do is this :

You tell her. But you tell her only what you know to be actual fact.

Then you say you have no expectations of what she will do with the info. You will apply no pressure (real or implied) to act in any way.

Then you say (and mean it) that the conversation you have just had is completely confidential.

Then you say you will support her in whatever way she needs you to.

If you cannot do any/all of this things then you should keep your mouth shut.

Original poster

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/09/2011 18:24

She has been so vunable lately. Not long had another baby and her family have moved away. If she finds out now I'm scared she is going to fall apart.

I hate this why did I have to find out.

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 29/09/2011 18:25

Why not just tell her that you thought that she should know that it is being said that... because you wouldn't want her to hear from someone else that this is being said.

You aren't telling her what her husband is doing - because you personally don't know, but you DO know that many people are gossiping about it and she has the right to know that this is being said.

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 18:37

Agree with Hecate, although I can imagine it won't be easy. Really think she will not forgive you if you dont tell her and she finds out you knew. Happened to me once, I should have told my friend but I was young and didn't have the guts to be the messenger. She was really hurt when as found out...

Original poster

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/09/2011 18:44

I knew this is what I am men't to do. But I know her husband does not like me and he will use that against it. Saying I'm just stirring things up. I am going to have to pick my moment. Her husband is a complete prick. I could get my head round it if he cheated when they separated but not after they got back together. It is a complete pig to do this to her.

When he cane back he told he will only stay if he has no contact with her side of the family.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 18:46

Ah, so he is trying to isolate her from sources of support too

You have to tell her

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 18:47

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 18:49

Sorry for the double post... Not sure how that happened.

Flisspaps · 29/09/2011 18:59

You need to tell her, regardless of what you think her husband will say about you. What an arse he is.

Original poster

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/09/2011 20:10

He is a complete selfish nob for doing this to his wife and young family. Think he might be trying to isolate her from every one. So he can get away with behaving like this.

OP posts:

iowmum88 · 29/09/2011 20:28

Cant u confront him? Tell him you have heard these things and believe them and you don't want your friend hurt. At least then you can be there for your friend if he chooses to tell her. if not you have given him a fair chance and then you can tell her and will probably have more proof depending on what he says?

LittleJennyRobyn · 29/09/2011 20:39

I would do as hecate advised, that way you are not accussing him directly only letting her know what people are saying.

it's then up to her what she does with the information

it sounds like she needs good a friend anyway, she will be more hurt if she find out that you didn't say anything

aquashiv · 29/09/2011 20:46

Are you sure of the source and able to give her the facts?
Be prepared for the fact she might already suspect something.
He sounds an arse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/09/2011 20:49

If it's 'local knowledge' it's probably kindest if it comes from you. Nothing worse than the whole town knowing you're married to an arse and whispering behind your back while you're going around blissfully oblivious. Of course separating her from her family is a deliberate move. Bullies do that. I would be very tempted to tell her family, if you know them. My guess is that they will be only too pleased to rally round and get this idiot out of her life.

TartyMcFarty · 29/09/2011 20:50

If you tell her you might lose her but of you don't, and she finds out, you will lose her.

Nowtspecial · 29/09/2011 22:21

You obviously have to tell her, it's a health issue too if they are having sex.

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