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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not AIBU but need quick advice re DS2!

23 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 11:00

He started nursery on Wednesday 14th Sep, doing 1.5 hrs a dy for a week BUT the following Monday 19th Sep I had my accident which meant with hospital appts I needed to find someone to have him. The school alloed him to start at 10 until I got there after appts. So he had only 2 day settling in period instead of the week planned.

Yesterday I took him to nursery and within an hour had to bring him home as he had got so upset he was sobbing and burning up.

Today he has just said "I don;t want you to leave me mummy stay with me in school"

Last week was traumatic for him, seeing my accident, mummy screaming, daddy covered in blood, nanny trying to comfort mummy and then mummy taken away in an ambulance. Through it all he was amazingly behaved and never murmured once about it other than to calmly ask "What mummy want to do that for" while I was on the floor covered in blood.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:

throwawayforthisone · 27/09/2011 11:07

I'd be looking to dial it right back and do a week's settling in if possible. Your DS probably associated your being gone and his daddy being upset etc with the start of school and now you're back he's worried it'll happen again? He needs bucketloads of reassurance IMO.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 11:08

Is it an option to stay with him for a bit? in his little mind all your trauma from the previous week (which is awful BTW poor evenstar family :() would have escalated into some gargantuan story and will be a lot worse to remember.

He maybe feels that someone else, you or he may get attacked by the door? If you are able to stay with him for a bit, he might settle a bit and realise that the door is not a monster with teeth that bites fingers off and it's only a door.

I know I sound as if I am trivialising this, and I really am not, but you know how kids always manage to turn awful sights into even more awful events?

Lots of cuddles and reassurance too, which I am sure you are already doing in abundance :)

cjbartlett · 27/09/2011 11:10

What accident did you have tles?
How old is ds?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 11:12

CJ, the main school door slammed on my hand cutting te tip off resulting in a floor covered in blood me screaming madly not due to pain but shock and blood [ewww]

DS2 was just 4 - on the 18th.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 11:16

He needs LOADS of reassurance and expect it to go on for quite a while. I had a bad accident 3 years ago and was in hospital for over 2 weeks, ds was just 7, he was SO upset and still gets teary if he talks about it now.

His little world will have been shaken, it's such a shock when you realise your mum and dad aren't exempt from being hurt.

Lots of cuddles, talking about what happened and maybe you could stay for a bit at nursery?

Hope you have a speedy recovery :)

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 11:18

I am planning on staying for a whie today andseeing how it goes. The thing is he has my mum there but I guess its not the same as having mummy is it?

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 27/09/2011 11:28

Ouch! That sounds awful

Pandemoniaa · 27/09/2011 11:29

I suspect he's associating school with dangerous, bitey doors that eat his mummy and cause her to disappear. Even if he was calm at the time, all sorts of stuff will now be filling his head so I'd take some time to reassure him. If you are calm and don't dwell on your (horrid) accident, it will help him. Not that I'm suggesting you are dwelling on it ifykwim. But take him into nursery yourself for a few days and perhaps treat next week as his settling in time.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 11:33

Pande, I think him seeing my hand bandged up as well is scaring him tbh because its the hand he normally holds but now can;t.

I am going into school a bit early and seeing the head and going to see what we can devise between us for him.

I don;t for one second think his outward reaction last week was anything to go by as he and I are inseperable and very intune with eachother. He has been so tender this last week, and very cuddly.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 27/09/2011 11:35

What a sweet little boy he sounds. I think he probably wants to make sure you come to no harm and in his 4-year old mind, this is all the more likely if he can keep a close eye on you. But yes, I doubt he likes the bandage either because it will be a constant reminder. Here's hoping the Head has some sensible ideas about how to reintroduce him to school.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 11:39

he is a very sweet boy, he is so caring and where he has been sleeping in my bed he has curled up around me so "Your hand doesn;t get hurt mummy" he keeps kissing the bandage and telling me he loves me even if my finger is "hurted".

He has reduced me to tears more than once with his compassion, this will sound horrible but isn;t meant to, because I am not used to it, DS1 (AS) doesn't show emotion in the same way and his attitude is "Its just a finger deal with it"

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Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 12:05

awww bless him :) what a little cutie toot! i think you are actually being incredibly selfish keeping him to yourself, you MUST hire him out on some visits........i need a minimasterevenstar hug :o

mintyneb · 27/09/2011 12:48

oh I feel for your DS. Last year when my DD was just short of 3 yo I had complications following a gastro op and blacked out and collapsed off the toilet at home. No idea how long I was out for but she was on her own with me so was probably terrified. I nearly collapsed a second time but fortunately DH arrived home soon after to sort things out. I had to be taken by ambulance to hospital and had a blood transfusion the next day, staying in for 5 nights in total.

Whilst she seemed to be OK (ish) at the time, out of the blue 8 months later she starting telling me about how she remembered me collapsing off the loo and how she hadn't want me to go to hospital :(. She has mentioned it a couple more times since (we're now 18 months down the line) and has a major aversion to pooing in the loo (that's a whole different thread!) so she obviously hasn't 'got over' it yet.

A friend's DD was travelling to school with a new childminder for only the second time last week and one of the girls she was with got hit by a motorcycle whilst crossing the road. The girl is OK but friends DD is very wary of crossing roads and says she doesn't want to go to the childminder tomorrow - the first week since the accident.

Sorry, I don't have any tips to help but just wanted to let you know that your DS is very likely to have been traumatised by what happened to him and will probably take time or him to come to terms with what happened. In the meantime, I think you should just keep doing what you are doing, keep enveloping him in love and cuddles and reasssure him that you are OK and try and keep him going with the school routine.

From my experience, don't be surprised if he talks about it out the blue some time down the line.

good luck, hope he can start to enjoy going to school again soon

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/09/2011 17:23

Hi all

Well I took DS to nursery, spoke to the head who instantly said "He had an amazing traumatic week last week for anyone let alone a 4yr old, he is a big boy but still so young. Stay with him today and lets see how it goes, we will have a meeting and work something out"

So I spent a glorious afternoon in Nursery playing and not sharing the laughter with the children until they nicked my toys and i had to chase them--. Once I had got all the others involved in the game I was able to slip off for 35 minutes and then go back to DS.

The Head reckons it could take anything from 2 weeks plus to teach DS that school is a positive place.

As we walked to the main door going in he stopped in his tracks looked up at the door and said

"Mummy I hope this door doesn't hurt you or anyone else again"

Witchofthenorth - sorry he is all mine anyway you would hate brushing his curls everyday

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 07:15

Oh I am glad! It will become positive again, I bet he loved having you there you have to leave the toys, they are not for you!

And he has curls too?

I shall be content with adoring your son from afar no I am not a stalker really :)

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2011 07:31

Witchofthenorth yes he has lovely curls, he has only had 1 haircut in 4yrs so its a lovely length and ringlets

He really loved it being there and why are the toys not for me?

OP posts:

Groovee · 28/09/2011 07:37

As a nursery nurse, back to the beginning, an hour with mummy first day, then mummy sitting in another room for 30 mins and slowly building it up for mummy to leave but to return within a short time to allow him to grasp the idea that you will return. If he's had a shock then it is going to take him a while to get over it.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2011 08:24

the little monkey!!!

I have been chatting away with him and said

ME: "When mummy takes yu to school oday I am staying for a while and then what am I going to do"
DS2 "you going to go"

Me; "then what"
DS2; "you'll come back"
ME: "what are you going to do while I am gone"
DS2: "painting, pictures, playing, climbing and I might have a poo in the toilet"

tmi darling!!!

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 08:27

oh good god I have just sprayed the monitor with coffee! Well at least you know hes comfortable enough to poo?

Bless!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2011 08:39

WOTN

Unfortunatly he does come out with some crackers!!

While I was outside the nursery yesterday I was listening to him and he has an answer for everything!! no idea who he gets that from

He is cheeky, but not rude iyswim.

He told the nursery teacher last week

"Do you know what"
"No DS2 I don;t know what"
"I love you"

of course charmer knows what to say and then gives a huge grin and gets what he wants it always doesn;t work with me though!!

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 09:49

:) he sounds womderful, my youngest daughter (3) is like that with her daddy, she has him exactly where she wants him, he is completely aware but absolutely impervious to her. Last night he shouted her through to the kitchen to clear away her dollys..

DH:littlewotn come here please
DD; yes my darling?
DH;nothing sweetness, tea will be ready soon
ME;

Witchofthenorth · 28/09/2011 09:50

wonderful

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2011 10:01

WOTN,

I am frequently called

Precious Poppet
Sweet
Darling
Beautiful Lady

Now as touching as it is it sure would be nice coming from an adult

OP posts:

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