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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel taken for granted

17 replies

Tuzz · 23/09/2011 08:18

I have been with my lovely partner on and off for 4 years. I have moved in with him recently, abroad. He now works away a lot - he can only do this because I'm here looking after his son.
I wash, cook, shop and feel this is all too convenient. We had a row when we arrived, I'd packed for us all, fetched, carried, etc whilst feeling wobbly about leaving my job, family and friends. I said I felt taken for granted, that all i seem to do is help out. His response didn't make me feel any better.
I've been here 3 weeks. He's been here for 4 days in that time. I have always struggled to articulate my feelings in relationships but am I being taken for granted?

OP posts:

whattodoo · 23/09/2011 08:23

Not taken for granted necessarily, depends on your own situation and what you both agreed before you moved. Do you work outside the home? How old is the child? What was the split if chores before you moved? Did you know he would rarely be at home before you moved? Did you talk about childcare and chores before you moved?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/09/2011 08:26

You are definately being taken for granted if, as you say, he has now started working away a lot because you are there to look after his son.

Did he say beforehand that this was gonna happen? Or were you deceived.

I think i'd be on the first flight back to the UK. That would make me very very angry indeed.

Icelollycraving · 23/09/2011 08:27

Only you can answer that. It sounds like you have already.
If you felt appreciated,would you be more settled in this new arrangement? If not maybe it's time to rethink. If you would,tell him that you haven't given your life up to be a housekeeper & need some support.
Good luck,if you are feeling lonely,come on mn,there is always support (not always on aibu though!)

Springyknickersohnovicars · 23/09/2011 08:27

Not sure really, if it was a new relationship I'd say you'd been a mug but four years into it then that doesn't apply. I think you've moved abroad, taken on responsibility for his son (where's the mum out of curiosity?) and he's hardly there.

I'm not surprised you are fed up, just not sure what you can do about it apart from giving it time and talking to him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/09/2011 08:29

Icelollycraving is right - you have basically given up your home, your job, your country, your friends, your family and your independance to become a house-keeper - that's not good is it

Original poster

Tuzz · 23/09/2011 08:32

We discussed that I'd be here occasionally on my own but I didn't think it'd be this much. He can be away because I'm here. He was a stay at home day before I moved in. I wanted to move to be with him. Even when I didn't live with him I saw him more often or at least spoke every night, now it's occasional.
I guess I just don't feel cherished in the way that I thought living with my partner would.

OP posts:

Springyknickersohnovicars · 23/09/2011 08:36

Sorry Tuzz that doesn't sound good at all. He's got you to move abroad on false pretences. I'd be furious with him to be perfectly honest.

Icelollycraving · 23/09/2011 08:47

Then,it's time to tell him exactly that. Is it his excitement at being out of the house after being a sahd?

HerHissyness · 23/09/2011 09:27

Are you able to get out and about on your own where you are? is there a language issue? Are you OK in yourself?

FWIW, the seeing him 4 days in 3 weeks is a joke. That is WAYY out of line. I don't blame you for feeling pissed off about it, you have every right to be. If it was him working 9-5 5 days a week, then it'd be kind of expected, but this? no, that's not right.

What does he say when you tell him? Or are you trying to soldier on?

TBH if it's like this now, how is it going to get any better.

I think you ought to seriously consider coming home.

I lived in total isolation in Egypt, and while I saw him almost every day, he'd not take me out, I left the flat 5 times in 6 months and went weeks (10 was the maximum) without setting foot outside the door. I'd not wish this on anyone.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2011 09:29

Tuzz, who took care of his son before you moved out there? And what age is the son?

Original poster

Tuzz · 23/09/2011 09:55

He was a stay at home dad, when he was in the uk he had a nanny/housekeeper. Son is 12.
I am right, you're right. I'm a nanny/housekeeper

OP posts:

mumeeee · 23/09/2011 10:24

Tuzz as his sob is 12 he is old enough to be left at home on his own during the day. Does he go to school? I would sit down and try and talk to your partner. Tell him exactly how you feel and although you're willing to help out a bit . Him being home only for 4 days in 3 weeks is not on and you're not going to be his nanny/housekeeper. If he doesn't listen just tell him you're going to go back to the UK.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2011 10:35

He employed a nanny/housekeeper as a SAHD but not as a WOHD?

Sorry, but I'd be booking my flight now.

Icelollycraving · 23/09/2011 10:41

I don't get it. He employed a nanny as a sahd? Why? So,you have replaced this in the new setting but he gets to be out. As I said,definately time for a talk. If the son is 12,get at least a part time job or are you home educating?

Original poster

Tuzz · 23/09/2011 10:47

He had a nanny in the uk when he worked, he moved abroad and became a stay at home dad - no work for the last year, I stayed in the uk because of work, he has gone back to work and I have resigned from my job to be here. I have found a bit of work but language is a problem - I don't speak spanish. After doing school run there's not much to do - I now when I'm a bit more settled this might change, I not complaining about not working. The invitation to move out here and be with him isn't what i thought.

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 23/09/2011 11:00

Well not working is fine if you would happy being at home. I think you would be happier if he was at least around to appreciate you. Tell him. He may think you are happy being a lady of leisure.

kelly2000 · 23/09/2011 11:45

So he got you to move there, and straight away decided you would be his housekeeper and nanny so he could work away. Look for a new job (in uk or spain), and then leave.
If you were as evil as me, you would wait until he was on his way to the airport, and then call him saying you were leaving, and he had to sort out getting son from school etc.

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