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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

funeral

28 replies

livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:04

I have family-in-law that I dont want to see for the rest of my life. If my husband would die one day is there any way I proceed the funeral of my husband through the church but dont see my FIL as much as possible? e.g. hiring someone to communicating with them

OP posts:
lesley33 · 19/09/2011 12:05

I think you can ask a good funeral home to do this. A chat with a local funeral parlour will soon tell you if they would be happy to do this.

Gonzo33 · 19/09/2011 12:07

Solicitor dealing with the will or funeral directors I suppose.

I can't stand my in-laws either but I think I would make an exception for that.

Mitmoo · 19/09/2011 12:12

He's their son, shouldnt they be there at the funeral. Seems very weird to be talking about an alive person as if they were dead.

Seems like an odd thing to be worrying about, is your husband ill or are you planning to top him?, ;-)

Tigerbomb · 19/09/2011 12:12

I would presume the funeral directors could help? Failing that I would hope that a family member would help

I have told my DH that if he goes before me I wouldn't tell his family when or where the funeral was. In fact I wouldn't tell them he had died until a long time after the event. If I go first, I don't want them at my funeral either.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2011 12:14

Just bury him under the patio. Job done.

Mitmoo · 19/09/2011 12:15

A bit harsh soup he's not dead yet. Wink

slavetofilofax · 19/09/2011 12:17

I have wondered this in a particularly miserable moment, because I am in the same situation.

I have decided that I'd get my best friend to deal with them. I wouldn't want them dealing with the funeral parlour, there would be no need because as next of kin, all arrangements would be up to me. I could trust my best friend way more than I could trust the funeral parlour, and she's good in difficult situations anyway.

I'd let his parents go to the funeral service, but not the wake, and I would instruct my family to make sure they stayed away from me.

2blessed2bstressed · 19/09/2011 12:18

Tigerbomb - seriously?? What on earth did they do? I can't imagine having a child, raising them, seeing them grow into an adult and then, God forbid, they died before me, not being allowed to attend their funeral, never mind not even knowing they'd died.
Obviously I don't know your family circumstances, but that seems unspeakably cruel.Sad

AmberLeaf · 19/09/2011 12:19

On the surface it sounds like YABU

Can you add detail as to why whatever they've done should mean they should be alienated at their childs funeral ?

Original poster
livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:19

I really dont want my husband dies before me as I am not very confidence what I would have to do with legal things, etc. So I want him to live until he becomes 90!
However I really dont want to see my FIL for in my whole life and there will be though the time I will have to see them in funeral. So I asked advice how I can avoid seeing them as much as possible.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 19/09/2011 12:20

To those who are cutting (or rather intending to) their partners parents out of their funerals hypothetically of course, is that what your partners would want?

Original poster
livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:23

I'm not telling I am not inviting them to the funeral. I just dont even want to contact them with funeral or anything. That's why I want someone else to do it.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 19/09/2011 12:24

Mitmoo, I am 100% certain that in the even of my husband's death, he would want me to do whatever was easiest for me.

He is not selfish enough to expect his grieving widow to do something, or see people that would be extemely hard for her at possibly the worst time of her life.

Paradise Do you have freinds or family that would be willing to contact you in laws, and keep them away from you if the worst should happen?

lesley33 · 19/09/2011 12:25

I can understand people not wanting to deal with some family members over arrangements.

But tbh I think funerals should always be open affairs, open to anyone who wants to come. You may not get on with particular people, but I think it is cruel to prevent people and especially parents attending.

Can't you just have a funeral director tell people you don't want to talk to about the funeral and ask them to pass on the message that you don't want to talk to them at all at the funeral?

lesley33 · 19/09/2011 12:26

Although I do think a wake or refreshments afterwards is more by invitation.

Original poster
livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:31

slavetofilofax, did you not see them in the funeral? I'm wondering if there is any way I invite them to the funeral but I dont meet them.

OP posts:
Tigerbomb · 19/09/2011 12:32

yes seriously. My DH is aware of this and whilst not entirely agreeing with it (i.e he himself doesn't want some of his family there) he fully understands why. He too would not want me to do anything that would cause further anguish to me at an already distressing time.

WiiUnfit · 19/09/2011 12:33

Paradise, correct me if I have misunderstood but your Husband is not even dead?

And he is their Son, would you like to be excluded from your child's funeral if something happened?

Your In-Laws are likely to die before him?

Why are you even worrying about this?

You may die first anyway?!

Confused
squeakytoy · 19/09/2011 12:35

Paradise, I am thinking that english is not your first language here, but is your husband likely to die at any time soon? :(

If not, then you are worrying for no real reason.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2011 12:37

Paradise, if your DH lives til he is 90, you have your children's weddings/civil partnerships to get through first.

grumpypants · 19/09/2011 12:37

Living - depends on the service (church or crematorium type thing) Usually, the bereaved person 'receives' the guests as they leave . I think your best bet would be to speak to the vicar or celebrant about this, at the time. You should, of course, send them a letter telling them the time and place, and putting in a note to the effct that this is a distressing time for all and although you do not want to have a relationship with them, and would prefer to avoid speaking with them, you hope that they will take the opportunity to say goodbye to their son. Etc Etc.

Original poster
livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:39

Yeah I think it's too much worry as I dont even know who would die first!
Just to try to find a solution in case that happends and relieve my stress:)

OP posts:
Original poster
livinginaparadise · 19/09/2011 12:44

Thank you so much for your information and advice. At least now I know what I can do for this. So I'm not worrying about it any more.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 19/09/2011 13:01

Paradise, thankfully it hasn't happened yet, and I'm hoping it won't any time soon! But if it did, I think I probably would have to see them, as in I would know that they were in the same room as me, but as I know my husband would want them there, I could deal with that as long as I din't have to speak to them.

You are right that it's not worth worrying about for now Smile

The other thing I have thought of, and is much more likely to happen, is that I have to attend of my in laws funerals. And of course I would go to support my dh, and I would be the best wife I could be, but I wouldn't want to have to see the other one if they died seperately. And I wouldn't be mourning the loss of someone I strongly dislike. Of course I would have to go for dh's sake, so I guess I'll just have to worry about that when/if the time comes.

carabos · 19/09/2011 13:57

In the normal run of things, your in-laws will die before their son, therefore the issue won't arise. Assuming that the normal run of things comes to pass and they die first, you don't have to go to their funerals, and if you do decide to go, you don't have to look or act sad.

HTH

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