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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep out of son - father fall out

28 replies

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:09

I posted a while back that my son's father had been particularly nasty to him, upset him within half a hour of collecting him, f'ffing and him and telling he was a useless piece of excrement. Son called me and I collected him, son is 14 and has ASD. Dad has a long history of being a wanker crap
Dad.

Ive told son if he talks to him or not is totally up to him and I'll support him whatever he does. About a month later son is not in the mood to forgive him. He won't answer his calls.

AIBU to keep out of it?

OP posts:
Groovee · 17/09/2011 20:16

I think I remember your previous post where he wouldn't give you a contact. I wouldn't get involved as your son can make his own mind up.

MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 20:17

If you feel your son is able to fight his own battles, then keep out of it and just let him know you ate there for support and acceptance. It's a difficult situation for you all and there is probably a fine line between supporting and reassuring your ds and being perceived as turning you ds against his dad. Must be hard, but as long as your ds knows he can talk to you and you'll be supportive it might work out.

rainbowinthesky · 17/09/2011 20:18

You are doing teh right thing. WHat a bastard.

Crosshair · 17/09/2011 20:18

Yanbu, I would say at 14 hes old enough to make his own choices. I would carry on as normal.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:20

Yes, he took him away in June (I think he's seen him once since then maybe twice, I dont record it all) and then he's upset him. At that time he played stupid freakers, kicked off when I wanted to know where he was taking him, then didn't bring him back to get him back to school as was arranged.

He didn't want to tell me because he'd booked extra nights and only told me about two of them.

I am always on standby when he has him because it regularly I'd go so far as to say often, it goes boobies up.

Probably best left, son knows best.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 20:22

I agree, let him decide for himself.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:23

Contact has been on off over the years, been in the courts, when son was years younger so orders not relevant now.

Now it's down to my son to make up his own mind I guess but he doesn't want to know. I guess after years of it he's had enough, perhaps he'll soften again.

I suppose all I can do is to support his decisions, I dont feel like I should encourage him to see his Dad as his Dad keeps abusing that, then I feel guilty but I don't really know why.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 17/09/2011 20:28

Don't feel guilty. It's their relationship and if his dad is not fulfilling your ds needs, your ds is old enough to decide. However, try and keep it civil so that when your ds is older and he might want to change his mind... It's easier for him. I don't have a teenager but I guess they might see things differently when they are older. But you know them both so I would go with your instincts.

sand12 · 17/09/2011 20:31

At what age can the child decide not to see their parent if there is a court order in place?

AnyFucker · 17/09/2011 20:32

I think you are doing the right thing

The wrong thing would be to try and force a person who is old enough to know their own mind to interact with someone who isn't good for them

sand12 · 17/09/2011 20:33

my child begs me not to go but court order is in place and I have to send them to their dad what do I do I can't afford anymore court costs or solicitors still paying off after 5 years!!

youarekidding · 17/09/2011 20:34

YADNBU. My DS has just turned 7, his father is a fuckwit waste of space. He lives abroad, doesn't pay and rarely rings (3/4 times a year).

DS hardly mentions him and so now nor do I. I answer questions, honestly and openly and happily but keep out of their 'relationship'.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:38

Sand the order is for indirect contact only, and the answer to your question is anytime they like really.

The order forces the resident parent to make the child available or to bring them to a certain place, but if the child refuses to go to the other parent, or refuses to get out of the car etc. the courts can do nothing.

This is because the order is always for the parents to do certain actions, them them or make them available at certain times. If the child refuses to co-operate the resident parent cannot be punished as they've complied with the order.

Obviously this doesnt count it the child is 3 or 4 but 8 or 9 it does.

The age is subjective and no exact age actually counts it is based on the understanding of the child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:39

sand how old is your child? Take this to PM if you want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:40

thank you any fucker

OP posts:
sand12 · 17/09/2011 20:44

My child is 6 I close the door and my child is crying through my letterbox to let her in she wants to be with me, with this court order I felt I had no choice!!

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:57

sand so many of us have been where you are, and they pretend they are acting in the best interest of the child. I have been in the court system for over 2.5 years many years ago and I am sure you felt you had no choice. I bet it was an order by consent too. My old solicitor described it as professional dishonesty where if you dont agree the judge will order it anyway. So you have to consent because there is no choice.

I dont know the ins and outs but I do know enough to know that contact is ordered which damages children and the resident parents often can't fight the system because it is geared against them.

You have my heartfelt sympathy.

OP posts:
MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 17/09/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sand12 · 17/09/2011 21:03

I've had social services involved as my child told me my ex had strangled my child also another child who lives with him told his dad the same social services said ex to have no contact but then decided as their was no marks on my child's neck they can't do anything!!!

sand12 · 17/09/2011 21:06

The System is fuckwit social services, court & CSA!!! angry

AnyFucker · 17/09/2011 21:10

so sorry you having a scary and rubbish time, sand12

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 17/09/2011 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 21:18

MH The majority of people who defend it on here are those who earn a livng from the family court system and those who have never been anywhere near it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 21:19

MJ I totally believe you. I totally agree with you. For what it's worth.

OP posts:
ConstanceNoring · 17/09/2011 21:26

Darn it . I did a lovely long post and arsed it up now I'm too pissed- tired to retype.

General gist - keep supporting DS as you are, stop waiting for the other boot to drop and deal with eX/ help DS as and when he rears his head.

In the meantime enjoy your time with DS.

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