Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To tell this child off?

21 replies

pinklaydee · 14/09/2011 09:46

I've posted before about my DD (aged five) being excluded in the school playground by another girl, who seems to be the cool one that the others all want to play with. My DD idolises her, and they were friends for most of P1. But I know that this girl doesn't really play with my DD any more, but she's not bothered, and plays with others. Now, of course it's natural to have your own friends, but surely at their age they should be nice to each other? This morning, this girl walked past with others, my DD went up to join in, and this girl said no. My DD followed behind looking hopeful, and this girl swatted her away angrily with her hand, and said "go away". So I went up to her and said not to say that, and to be kind to my DD. It was horrible to see as I've taught my DDto always be kind to other children. I know her mum, and was going to mention it later. Without being precious, I'm worried that that's how I'm coming across on this post!
I always try to keep these things in perspective, but WIBU to say something?

OP posts:

emsyj · 14/09/2011 09:52

I think it's beyond your remit to try to teach this girl to be a nice little girl of the type that would want to play with your DD. I would focus your attention on helping your DD to make other friends and build her self esteem so that she doesn't waste too much energy idolising other children.

As for "surely at their age they should be nice to each other" - sorry but HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAA!!!!! Five year old girls can be very bitchy - it starts early, you know!

Milsean · 14/09/2011 09:55

you are way over-involved in the normal playground tiffs of 5 year olds.

YABU.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2011 09:57

YANBU to say 'play nicely' when something happens in front of you. However YABU to think you can manage your DD's relationships once she's in the school gates. Discipline and behaviour are for the teachers and playground assistants to control during the school day. If you suspect actual exclusion or bullying, take it up with the school and not the parent.

Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 10:00

Sorry OP, hurtful as it is to watch, if it happens in your hearing them fine, say something, but you will have to back off from sorting out the other girl, its done, leave it now.

If you suspect your daughter is being isolated in the playground then I'd talk to a teacher and let them deal with it.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 14/09/2011 10:01

I feel your pain. It will not go away, it will get worse and you have to learn to deal with it I am afraid. You cannot make other children like your DD, all you can do is help her to cope with such situations. My DD (Y7) is now freinds with lots of girls with whom she had real difficulties in Reception and Y1 (it is me that bears the grudges ).

gramercy · 14/09/2011 10:01

YABU

When I was in primary school there was a girl in my class who had a mother like you. She desperately wanted her dd to be my friend, and I didn't much care for the girl, I'm afraid. This woman rang my mum, spoke to the school, came and stood in the playground. I felt hounded and increasingly hostile to the girl and her mum such that I ran off when I saw her in the street!

I agree that this particular child doesn't sound very nice, but I think your dd must learn that you can't make somebody be your friend. Also I think it's something that should be nipped in the bud. Fast forward a few years and your dd will be a teenager/young woman mooning over some bloke who doesn't give a fig about her. Unrequited love (even at this age) is not romantic, it's harmful.

welliesandpyjamas · 14/09/2011 10:01

In a couple of years you'll probably be able to look at the 5 year olds in your DD's school and see how very little and young (in both senses of the word) they are. They are still part babies at times. Yes, they should be learning how to interact and be kind to others but that's for the parents
/teachers to help them with, not you. It sounds like your DD has already started to learn this, maybe better than the other girl, and that is a credit to you. But you can't really become someone who polices the behaviour of someone else's five year old little child. They are all still learning and have only been in a school environment for a small part of their little lives.

Meteorite · 14/09/2011 10:02

Agree with Cogito. In some cases the children have learned this behaviour from their parents, so talking to the parents isn't likely to work. Things may blow over but if there continues to be a problem, talk to the teacher.

welliesandpyjamas · 14/09/2011 10:04

Oh, and to answer your last question, no, don't say anything to the other mum. It's a step too far. Also, she'll probably think you are weird and that may make things worse for your DD.

Original poster

pinklaydee · 14/09/2011 10:05

Thanks everyone for helping me to put things into perspective. You are right, I should focus on building her confidence and other friendships, and not pass my neuroses onto her - cos she's not really as bothered as I am about it.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 14/09/2011 10:05

YABU

It's a horrible thing to see your child excluded but now you've taught her to be friendly, you also need to teach her when to give up trying with people IYSWIM.

There's a fine line between friendly and needy and if she comes across as the latter, she'll have a rough ride no doubt

allday · 14/09/2011 10:07

You can't change the other girls behavior. I have had a similar problem with my ds who is now 8 and has just got the concept of not engaging with people who are not nice and he is no longer trying to get in with a crowd of kids who don't like him and has real friends instead. You should concentrate on your dds self esteem and try to get her to make friends with other dcs. She is a bit young but these books may be helpful for you.

here
here

ragged · 14/09/2011 10:07

Another thumbs up to what Cogito & Mitmoo & ExitPursued said.
I Especially relate to the bit about who bears the grudges & who has forgotten there was ever a problem...

I might tell the teacher "There's tension between those two and it's making DD unhappy" but go as hands off as possible.

slavetofilofax · 14/09/2011 10:09

It's fine to say something when it happens right in front of you, but it is completely normal behaviour and therefore not worth mentioning to the other Mum.

Yabvu to think that 5 year olds are nice to eachother. I work in a nursery and have seen blatant bitchiness from girls as young as three. Not often at that age, but by rising five it can be very common. Little girls can be very nasty, boys tend to fight it out in a much less snidey way than girls.

cornflowers · 14/09/2011 10:14

Almost every other day, DD1 (4) will come home and say 'so and so isn't my friend anymore' only for her to run happily over to the child concerned in the playground the next morning. She has 5 or 6 good friends, but her 'best friend' will change from day to day, they are very fickle at that age. It's awful to see anyone be unkind to your child, but try to keep it in perspective and not to worry about it :) In any case, it probably won't help your daughters case if her friend sees you as the 'mean mummy Who told her off'!

fedupofnamechanging · 14/09/2011 10:17

I would have said exactly what you said this morning. If my daughter behaved like that girl I'd have nipped it in the bud myself and would be embarrassed for another mother to have to step in and teach my child how to behave. I don't think you should approach the other mother though, as this is a school issue.

I think you should approach the school and ask them to keep an eye on things and make sure your little girl isn't isolated in school. Perhaps they can gently manage things to help her form friends without it looking overly managed iyswim.

simbo · 14/09/2011 10:19

Happy to see that you have some kind of resolution in your own mind, but you should still talk to the teacher if this other girl is using her popularity to influence other children to exclude your child. In my children's school this is considered bullying and is discussed in plenary sessions with the class.

anewyear · 14/09/2011 10:40

Unfortunatley I can see/have been on both sides,
DS1 was very shy and didnt make friends at all in the 1st few years of primary school, By yr 3 tho, he made one very good friend, and they still are a 5 years later.
To
Having a mother of a child in my DS1 class (year 6!!) go to the Head teacher asking why my son and his best mate never played with her child, and the Head in turn telling me and his best mates mum, the boys had to be friends and play with the other child...

You really dont want the reputation that mum had, forever in and out the school berating children and staff, because so and so said this, she did that, teacher told my son off, etc etc

minimisschief · 14/09/2011 10:58

After reading you're first thread and this one i do not understand why you keep butting in.

These girls do not want to be your daughters friends. in school no one liked the kid that tried to tag along when no one really liked them and it ruins their fun and it is uncomfortable.

tell your daughter to take the hint and find others to play with rather than begging to be friends with people that do not like her.

Oggy · 14/09/2011 11:06

Perhaps I am unreasonable but last year when my son (reception) was in the playground he went over to another boy to join in a game and the boy (in fron of me" said to my son "go away you can't play" and I did say to the boy that wasn't a very nice thing to say, I think that's fair enough (but obviously others disagree.

FWIW they are firm friends now. 5 year olds can be terribly fickle with friendships it appears.

gramercy · 14/09/2011 13:27

At this age the mums call the shots on playdates (gruesome term!) so I would be a bit proactive and ask another (nice!) child to tea. If your dd can't come up with anyone you could ask the teacher/teaching assistant if there's anyone your dd gets on with. You have the power to encourage friendships, and you should do so, but you can't force what ain't there.

I think this would be a much better plan of attack than doggedly pursuing the child who isn't interested.

Flip