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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at my ex

12 replies

ilovepesto · 11/09/2011 16:26

for taking my DS to his grandparents to stay when he only has him overnight one night a month? I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He does only has his son over night once a month and I don't know, I guess I would expect that he spend time with his son. His parents have little to nothing to do with their grandson. They have never asked to see him or have him. He gets to see them when he is with his dad and that's it. They haven't been interested in him since the day he was born and have continued to show very little interest. I don't know why, I don't know what's going on. DS was happy to spend the night with them, so maybe that should be fine. I just feel really sad that his dad appears to have so little interest in his son. My DS also gets really tearful that his dad doesn't want to have much to do with him. I'm very confused. Please go easy. I'm feeling fragile.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 16:29

Does your ex stay over at the GPs with your son?

Maybe, cut a little slack. Perhaps he's unsure/worroed about doing sometbing wrong with the lad. He might like to have his own mum as back up.

With regard to the Gps; well many a story about GPs being afraid to keep in direct contact for fear of offending their own child in these situations.

Play it by ear. Seems everyone might be treading on egg shells here.

Original poster

ilovepesto · 11/09/2011 16:32

No, he doesn't stay over and we've been separated for 7 years. He is recently married and since then he has significantly reduced contact with his son. More specifically half the week to one overnight stay a month. I think he probably had a night out planned and that's why my DS went to his parents.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 16:41

Obviously you've not posted the history, and I'm not asking, but make a friend of his new wife - possibly a big ask - but your son will be much more secure and happy knowing all the important people in his life get along.

Ask any second wife, when their partner has a previous family - its difficult to get it right. Everyone can be mortally offended at the slightest thing.

Original poster

ilovepesto · 11/09/2011 16:58

My ex has never allowed me to meet his new wife. I'm afraid my ex and I no longer have any kind of communication. I try to avoid communicating with him because he's a very abusive man. If his family want to see their grandchild they could ask but they don't. I won't make an issue of this because it will just be an argument and I can't be bothered with any kind of battle with my ex. I guess it can only be a good thing if his grandparents spend albiet a very small amount of time with their grandchild.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 17:03

Could be, if he's abusive and therefore aggressive, that they too are frightened of him.

How old is your little boy?

And No your ex wont let you be friendly with his new wife - you might poison her mind - but she'll find out for her self in due course.

Only you know the real situation and the dynamics of it - if it were me I'd be thinking about slipping those concert evenings and sports day invites to the grandparents.

Children aren't stupid. They tend to know when one parent is a bit of a prat. It's likely, with no intervention from you, you son will come to his own conclusions when he's 13/14 or so.

glitterkitten · 11/09/2011 17:04

Your Ds is simply going to be receiving love from an underused resource.

Grandparents are great. Don't worry.

ratspeaker · 11/09/2011 17:14

YANBU at your anger at ex's lack of interest in his child
you cant change him

but if your son is happy to be at his GP then let it be at the moment, it some small way it may make up for his dad's shortcomings

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2011 17:25

If he only has him one night a month and that's the only time he gets to see the Grandparents, then that's the only night a sleepover could occur. Sleepovers with grandparents are (normally) fun, so on the odd occasion wouldn't bother me. If it was every month then you wouldn't be being unreasonable.

Tuppence2 · 11/09/2011 22:51

ChocHobNob, I think it's more about the ex only having his ds 1 night a month and then not spending it with him, rather than he's at his GPs. It seems like (they I read the OP's posts) he would be happy for her ds to have a relationship with his GPs, but they haven't been interested in persuing that.

It's a similar situation to how I grew up, except for I saw my day about 3-4 times a year, and the first (and only time) I stayed at his overnight was when I was 14 and it was 1 night... Not because my mam didn't want me to, she would've been more than happy for me to have regular contact with him, but he was interested and she didn't force it.

It's a tough position for a mum to be in, not wanting to cause drama with the ex, but not wanting your dc to feel left out or shunned by their dad.

sausagesandmarmelade · 12/09/2011 06:06

I try to avoid communicating with him because he's a very abusive man

Are you sure your DS is safe with this man?

springydaffs · 12/09/2011 10:11

Do you have a court order in place re contact? If you don't then I wouldn't pursue it tbh. I also had an abusive ex and sometimes it's better to let the ties gradually die off. I realise that's an unpopular opinion but I have issues with the idea that we're all supposed to turn ourselves inside out to facilitate relationships with errant parents (usually dads) for the sake of the kids and imo the result is a lot of tosh, fake. It would be better if this man was not in your lives, as he will cause no end of trouble. No wonder he 'has forbidden' you to meet his new wife. Poor cow - another lamb led to the slaughter. Your son would be better off without him imo.

Original poster

ilovepesto · 12/09/2011 20:46

Thanks everyone. Sausage, he is abusive, emotionally abusive, very subtle and it took me a long time to accept he was abusive - he is not violent. He is also an intelligent man who everyone thinks is charming. I still find it it hard to accept he is abusive and I still blame myself after years of feeling like it was me that was the one with the problem. I just want my DS to have a relationship with his dad but I think I need to accept that his dad doesn't want a relationship with him. Unfortunately, his grandparents have never seemed to be particularly interested in him. I have to be honest and say I resent their ocassional interest but I feel I need to put that to one side and just accept that his dad may from time to time take him there when he has other things to do. Or maybe he was doing it for his parents now that he very rarely sees his son. Sorry, I've gone on a bit. I do think contact will taper off eventually. I'll deal with it when it happens.

OP posts:

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