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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a right shitbag, and a let down

16 replies

Arachnophobic · 06/09/2011 22:28

Not new, but have name changed. I feel the above for the following reasons:

Have a very close mate, she is 40 next year. She wants to go to Vegas. I said would go with her. No one else going for various reasons. I have now had a change of financial circs (our house too small, found our dream house up the road, with much larger garden for kids, our house has sold) and so I can no longer go. Don't know how to tell her and feel so bad as she has been going thru a shit time of late, she is an only child and her mum has been seriously ill and not out of the woods quite yet. Gosh, I feel so unreasonable maybe I should just put this on the credit card now I have read all that.
Been home for several weeks with NB DD. She is gorgeous of course, but not an easy baby compared to DS1. I have been so bloody naive and has been a bit of a shock. Consequently I have been a right stress head, I got stressed out at DS several times yesterday (he is only 3) for the usual, not sitting in his car seat, jumping round the car, taking too long to do anything etc but this is stupid, this is what three year olds do! I also got a bit pushy tonight with his reading book he got from nursery. This is not me at all, my DP is always saying how I am more laid back than him with things generally, and I am not a pushy parent generally either.

Think I ABU in that I am acting more than slightly out of character just now. What the he'll is wrong with me? Sorry if I have gone on a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 06/09/2011 22:29

Hell not he'll.

OP posts:

kaiteysmumma · 06/09/2011 22:35

I think the majority of us have been there - new mum hormones, sleep deprivation etc. Give yourself a break - tomorrow is another day!

Crosshair · 06/09/2011 22:36

You sound tired and stressed. Surely its the norm when you've got a new baby and are thinking about important stuff such as a house move ect. Give yourself a break.

Crosshair · 06/09/2011 22:36

x post :o

planetpotty · 06/09/2011 22:39

Youre friend is probably more looking forward to the girls break away rather than it having to be vegas. I would not cancell the break away and time together just the destination to somewhere a little more pocket friendly :)

Minshu · 06/09/2011 22:39

I'm guessing here, but it sounds like you're tired. Very tired. Can be difficult to get perspective under these circumstances.

Just guessing based on the phrase NB DD :) Congratulations and don't be too hard on yourself.

Your DS will survive you being a bit stressed. Is there any more that DP can do?

If you can't afford to go away, you can't afford it - new home, new baby - close friend will understand. Find a compromise to celebrate 40 more cheaply and go to Vegas for 45th or 50th?

RedOnion · 06/09/2011 22:44

You are being too hard on yourself.

You say CLOSE friend and therefore she will understand when you sit down with her and honestly explain. No reason you couldn't arrange a cheap city break or even just a night out with a hotel stop over, could be just as much fun, lovely meal few drinks some dancing/watch a show, whatever. Just be honest with your friend and save up and do something special for next birthday.

I know I would understand if you were my close friend and appreciate the honesty.

aldiwhore · 06/09/2011 22:44

YANBU, you're being human. You're not a shitbag, or a let down, you sound actually rather nice.

Its healthy to feel a bit shit sometimes, shows you have a conscience, but you also need to not let it run away with you.

Regarding your mate, explain to her. She may be disappointed but would she seriously want you to get into debt just for a jolly to vegas? As an alternative, maybe you could do something closer to home? A weekend away perhaps? Or invite her over, get your OH to dress as a croupier, and have an at home casino night to make up. Could be a laugh.

As far as your 3yo is concerned, I do think that sometimes, our kids need to be aware we're human too, and we all have off days. Your DS is going to have to learn that he's got a sister now and mummy's time (not love) is split, so he needs to behave! Regardless, you are human. There's 4 yrs between my boys and I remember that it wasn't easy when my youngest was nb, its a whole new dynamic that everyone's got to get used to so don't kick yourself if you have the odd off day.

Chin up... YANBU. Oh and its also OKAY to have a bloody good moan about it at times as well.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 06/09/2011 22:55

Thanks all. I did speak to my mate about going to Spain instead but she said she wld go Vegas on her own if she had to. Which made me feel for her as I know I wouldn't want to go away on my own for my 40th.

Yes I am tired. And my DP does help a lot in fact, I am very grateful for this, but me and sleep deprivation don't mix at all!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:57

YOu sound stressed, having a new born and moving house are going to be stressful.

Try to relax a bit and take a step back and remember how cool and level headed you usually are.

RedOnion · 06/09/2011 23:02

You really do need a sit down talk with her. Tell her exactly what you wrote in your OP.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 06/09/2011 23:05

Gosh, My DP just caught me posting and when I tried to be secretive about it he asked me i was having an affair where on earth wld I have the time for that???!!!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 23:08

Did she ask people to go with her, or did you offer? I always find it a bit odd when adults expect other adults (outside their family) to spend a lot of money on their birthdays. If she wants to go, then great, but I don't see that you should feel bad for not being able to go.

Why don't you just say 'look X, I know we had discussed going to Vegas but I really can't afford it', and suggest that you and she do something else together maybe after her Vegas trip? You could take her out for dinner somewhere lovely and still spend a tiny portion of what a trip to Vegas would cost you.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 23:08

x-posts -

Nihilisticbunny · 06/09/2011 23:37

If she is mad on going to Vegas, let her go on her own, it's obviously the experience she craves rather than your company if she goes alone, specially since you have offered Spain as a compromise.

Wrt to ds, just forget about it and move on, with a newborn you are going to be more stressed, don't try to live up to some ideal, just do your best .

ll31 · 06/09/2011 23:41

maybe its wishful thinking on my part but I kind of think that kids benefit from sometimes seeing that parents lose it too.... its life!!! take care and hope you get nights sleep and relax!

regarding friend - if she's a friend she'll understand - I think once you've children they're your prime responsibility and people will or should understand that

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