MIL prefers DS to DD....

[DarlingDuck]

Dh and I have been together since DD was 1. DD is now 6 and we have two more children, sons ages 6 months and 3 years. MIL is a bit of a strange woman who always favouritised DH over his sister, to the point it gave his sister emotional problems. She used to show clear preferential treatment of DS when he was a toddler until I made DH tell her it wasn't on... She hasn't done it for a while but we have just got back from visiting her and it was rife. I can be quite sensitive about the issue so was unsure if I was imagining it at first but DH has just told me he noticed it too. Fortunately we don't see her very often, about 4 times a year but even so it bothers me. DD calls DH dad and he adopted her at the age of 2 so MIL should treat her as an equal grandchild surely?!

Aibu in thinking this and should I ask DH to speak with her again?

Of course she should treat them the same, even if her son had not adopted your daughter she should still be considered a grandchild and treated the same.

If he agrees that it is happening then yes she should be held accountable and told you will not put up with it. I wouldn't hold your punches either...it's cruel to do this to children.

I can understand why she HAS a preference, but YANBU, on no account should she show it. Ever. Your DH needs to be having a firm word.

I met DH when DS1 was eight. We went on to have three further children. We are obviously very lucky as Grandparents have never treated DS1 any differently to his younger siblings.
I really think you need a strong word.

The thing is she does it in quite subtkle ways, enough for me to notice and DD has mentioned it to my mum in the past which makes me think she is aware of it too. DD says she doesn't like MIL but hasnt gone into detail, perhaps she picks up on MIL giving DS more attention

Perhaps we could visit her less?

Bump

As portofino said, I can also understand that she has a preference as your DS are her blood relatives but there's no way she should treat the children differently.
If it's bad enough that everone has noticed then she needs to be told that it's not acceptable.
Perhaps your DH could have a word and tell her that unless she starts treating the DC equally then you feel uncomfortable visiting as it's upsetting you and your DD is starting to pick up on GM preferential treatment of the boys?

I think most people have some sort of preference, showing it is awful. Get DH to have a word.

Perhaps I was naive in assuming she would think of DD as her own seeing as she has known her since she was one year old and DD has no contact with her biological father or his side of the family... I genuinly thought this would be enough for her to treat them the same.

My GM never referred to my uncle's (mum's brother) stepdaughter as a gc, yet this girl was better to GM than any of her "blood related" GCs! It used to infuriate my mother and she would constantly point this out to her, but sadly GM still believed she didn't count.

How old is your MIL?

She's 58 and was in the same situation herself, being raised by her step father and treated differently by his family, so you would assume she would have a little humility

i would say the majority of grandparents have a favourite, even if they keep it well hidden

i know my grandmother did, and so does my mum

I think your dh should deffo have a word with her. I hate when people do this to children.
My db 's wife has a son from a previous relationship. My mother treats him like her other grandchildren to the point that people don't even realise that they are not blood related. She refers to him as her grandson and my siblings and i refer to him as our nephew.

Granny's favourite is a curse throughout life, I have seen it many times where granny's favourite is a complete failure - let her know what a curse it is and not in a subtle way either.

My great GM prefered her son to my GM, and my GM favoured her son to my mum. In my experience people who get treated in that way fall into the same patterns.

My gran always favoured my brother over me and I always had this feeling that she didn't want me around when we visited. She used to tell me my drawings were awful and my laugh annoyed her. She would heap praise on my brother and i always felt left out.

OP, I think you're DD is picking up on this behaviour by your MIL and that's a shame.

Should I just not visit? We usually see her a couole of times over summer and she comes to see us a couple of times in winter...Could eassily do this as DH is never very keen to see her!

I would try and sort the situation out rather than just dropping visits. Obviously if she doesnt sort herself out and its affecting your dc's its something to considour.

Dh gets quite defensive about it when I bring it up, although he admits it happens he thinks I'm jumping on it and turning it into a bigger deal than it is

Is it nothing to do with blood relations and more that she likes boys?

You said she prefers DH to his sister?

Her own daughter has two children, a son who she won';t allow in her house as she can't cope with his behaviour (he has very mild special needs) his sister on the other hand, she dotes on

Doesn't let him in the house?

I think you should definitely see less of her.