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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's over?

12 replies

Cathycomehome · 02/09/2011 02:12

No marriage. He wanted new baby until tonight, when I talked about marriage. I feel like enough's enough. He admittted he didn't want to marry me.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2011 02:31

Sad Does he have a reason for not wanting to marry rather than not marry you?

needsanswers · 02/09/2011 02:43

:( other then the marrige issue do you have a good relationship and are both happy?

notanumptyalways · 02/09/2011 02:45

Did he always know you wanted to get married?

How long have you been together?

Is he happy to be committed for the rest of your lives and it is just marriage he does not believe in for instance?

mummymccar · 02/09/2011 09:32

When one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't it can be so difficult. Have you been together long? Am I reading right that you have a DC together already?
I think you need to sit down and talk to him about your reasons for getting married and his reasons why not. My DP never wanted to get married and for the first couple of years of our relationship it was awful, I sometimes had the same doubts as you. His parents have a great marriage so I couldn't understand why he was so against it - not uninterested - against it. It actually turned out that he'd seen too many huge overblown weddings and thought that nobody understood the point of marriage anymore. We had a chat about why it was so important to me and how we could compromise so that we were both happy. I also found out that unless we were married it could get complicated if I died and left a child - even if he was named on birth cert as father. A few weeks ago I found out that he is planning on proposing to me soon so I must've said something right!
I think you need to sit down and have a chat about why you both think the way you do. It'll be difficult not be emotional since it means so much to you but try to stick to the facts. He won't change his mind over time but he may do. Don't give up on your relationship just because of this issue - lots of couples stay unmarried but together out of preference now. You don't need to get married if it means an otherwise good relationship will fall apart.

mummymccar · 02/09/2011 09:34

Should read 'may not change his mind over night but he may do over time'. Coffee please!!

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2011 09:37

Maybe his reasons are good ones (objection to the institution of marriage, disinclination to flashy wedding), maybe they are not. Maybe you are being precious and obsessed with visions of yourself in a white bogroll-dolly frock.
How long have you been together, and was your first DC planned?

scrambedeggs · 02/09/2011 09:45

if you arent good enough for him to marry, bin the bastard :)

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 02/09/2011 09:49

Does he now no longer want a new baby because you want to get married? Hmm

Marriage doesn't have to be a flashy big circus, but is useful in terms of legality especially when there are children involved. My DH and I got married very cheaply and happily.

FWIW I tend to think that marriage is a lovely way of saying you're committing to someone for the rest of your life. I hate the way some people view it as some old fashioned institution.

redexpat · 02/09/2011 13:14

Does he
a - not want to get married to anyone ever? or
b - not want to marry you? or
c - is there some other issue he isn't telling you about? I know of a couple of guys who have been ok about the marriage but not the wedding palava.

sausagesandmarmelade · 02/09/2011 13:18

He's being honest with you.

Far better not to marry than to marry when you're hearts not in it. That only sets things up for a fall further down the line.

Are you happy to still be in a relationship with him without marriage and the baby that you want?

Some serious talking is needed.....

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 05/09/2011 23:51

Only just managed to get back online (no computer at home at the mo), so sorry if I was ignoring!. All good points above. Trying not to care about the marriage thing - he reckons all fine as it is and why a piece of paper etc (yes - we have one child, no, he wasn't planned, new one would be). TBH not even sure why I want to get married so much!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 05/09/2011 23:52

I never want to get married ever again, I've been married twice and both of those times were mistakes, the second marriage only lasting 4 weeks.

It is really meaningless, and is only a piece of paper, its how you feel about each other that counts, you make your commitments in other ways.

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