Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want to stop being such a people pleaser?

20 replies

Megatron · 26/08/2011 21:09

This is really bugging me about myself. I'm a total people pleaser and it's pathetic! I don't want to be but I seem to have this in built in inability to say no when something doesn't suit me so I end up running around like a twat to suit everyone else. What the hell is wrong with me? Come on mnetters help me to grow some balls and tell everyone to FUCK OFF!

disclaimer
apologies to anyone who finds my foul language distasteful.

OP posts:

Babababy · 26/08/2011 21:24

give an example.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2011 21:25

at your lovely disclaimer.

I think most people think more of you as a person if you say no every now and then, because it can be difficult to decipher whether the person actually doesn't mind doing something or not if they say yes all the time.

That can feel a bit awkward, unless you're not bothered about taking advantage, and I always make the assumption that it's the persons fault if they're doing something when they don't want to, they should have said no

YouDoTheMath · 26/08/2011 21:25

Does this tend to happen when you're put on the spot, or always? I tend to say yes if caught off guard...

Original poster

Megatron · 26/08/2011 21:44

Ok an example:

phone rings- hi are you busy this morning?
me - well we're going on holiday tomorrow so got quite a lot to do.

friend- I really need someone to get some bits for me can you pop to tesco for me?

me- well I'm not sure .....

friend - please I'm really stuck, I've booked a manicure and I've nothing in for the boys' lunch so you need to help me out.

me- ok then.

How pathetic am I? this is not a one off I'm routinely a push over and I need to stop!

OP posts:

JajasWolef · 26/08/2011 21:46

Er yes Megatron - you say I'm going on holiday and I have loads to do, catch up with you when I get back.

Firm but fair, do not let people take the pee because they will given half the chance even if they don't mean to.

smoggii · 26/08/2011 21:48

I feel your pain as I too am a PP. It sucks sometimes but most of the time I'm happy to do things for people x

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2011 21:48

That's a friend taking fucking advantage to me.

Do you do it because you don't want them to think badly of you?

It's nice to help out if you can, but you've said in your answers that you can't, it's on them to stop at the 'we're going on holiday tomorrow'.

Why would they continue pressing you?

Original poster

Megatron · 26/08/2011 21:56

agent I think because I'm obviously a well known push over. :(

I always seem to get myself in these situations. I get so cross with myself and I think it IS because I want people to think kindly of me but I don't really know why. I'm not daft, have had a really good career where I've definitely not been a people pleaser but in my personal life I can't seem to help myself. it's embarrassing.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 21:56

How exaggerated was that example, Megatron?!

Pishwife · 26/08/2011 21:59

YANBU to want to stop, but you have to be prepared to piss people off. It goes with the territory and is a Good Thing.

Examine your intentions - if they are good enough for you then that's all you need.

NorfolkBroad · 26/08/2011 22:03

don't know if this helps but I think that I am a bit like this. What helps me is to think "am i going to secretly resent doing this?" and if the answer is yes i try very hard to say no. My reasoning is that it is actually not that good for my friendships and relationships to do lots of things for people but be actually seething underneath. Much better to say a wholehearted yes and really mean it.

Also my BF is the ultimate people pleaser. She got into a right state once trying to please about 4 people in one day, she ended up losing her temper at one of these people who said "why didn't you just say no?!" Actually I find people accept it quite easily when you do.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2011 22:18

It's possible, just going on the eg you've given, your friend thinks this is the way you work and you need a push to do any favours?

If they think that and also presume people say no if they really can't help out, they might not be taking the piss so much?

Original poster

Megatron · 26/08/2011 22:19

Not exaggerated at all linerunner that's
why it's embarrassing. I keep reading on here that No is e complete sentence but I worry about offending people.

My mum was exactly the same but I was was very good at telling her not to do it yet I'm exactly the same.

OP posts:

JajasWolef · 26/08/2011 23:03

I would be similar in not wanting to offend or not help but I guess I would say it in an apologetic way - sorry friend I would love to go to Tesco for you but I'm afraid I've just got too much on.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/08/2011 23:22

Just tweak your script:

phone rings- hi are you busy this morning?
megatron (reclining on chaise longue languidly painting nails) absolutely overloaded dahling, haven't had a moment to myself and not likely to for the foreseeable...

friend- I really need someone to get some bits for me can you pop to tesco for me?
megatron: (waggling alternate hands in air to dry nails) absolutely can't dahling, such a shame, could have done with a break, but if you're going can you get me... (anything that's run out)

friend - please I'm really stuck, I've booked a manicure and I've nothing in for the boys' lunch so you need to help me out.
megatron: ((helping self to peeled grape proferred by fit slave) absolutely can't dahling, would have loved to, perhaps another time?.... must go, someone at door. byeeeeee.

It's much easier not to be a doormat than to lay down and let others walk over you.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2011 23:26

Hahahahahahaaaa

I want to be like that Izzy!

Nope, too small.

prettyfly1 · 26/08/2011 23:30

Ha ha - love that you put the people pleasing disclaimer in, almost underlining your point. This is mumsnet on a friday night. We dont care about the occasional fuck off, in fact tis positively encouraged!! :)

On a more serious note it isnt pathetic to be a people pleaser. Women are conditioned to be that way - you have realised and you can change. Just say no and smile sweetly ;)

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2011 23:39

Do you really think women are conditioned to be people pleasers these days prettyfly?

(And if you do, can you tell me how I can partly condition DD1? )

LineRunner · 27/08/2011 00:24

Megatron, That's a major people pleasing habit you've got there!

I like Izzy's script. Adapt and use. And when all you hear on the end of the phone is silence, you know you're getting it right. As in:

Friend: Oh hi Linerunner, could you just proof-read an article for me. I've emailed it to you already. Did you see it yet?
LineRunner: No, I haven't looked at emails today because I have to go out in a minute. I have a lot of work on.
Friend: Oh but you're so much better at that stuff than me.
LR: Sorry, I can't; and if I'm being honest, I don't particularly want to. You'll have to get someone else to do it.
SILENCE.

Purplegirlie · 27/08/2011 01:10

This thread made me smile.

I am a former people pleaser.

Having had a long course of counselling however, I am no longer a people pleaser and feel incredibly liberated and happy that at long last I say no to people.

I do the same as a previous poster, I think whether something will make me resentful if I say yes. If I think that it will make me resentful then I just say no. I don't explain myself or apologise. I sometimes say "I'll get back to you on that"

I feel that by saying no to people, people do respect you more and do treat you better too. I used to constantly agree to have a friend's daughter for her, and she was quite frankly taking the pee, expecting me to have her daughter whilst she went to spa days or out with other friends. Since I've started saying no to her she's drifted away from me, which was to be expected as she was clearly a user in the first place. You do learn who your friends are, which is actually a good thing as who wants friends that are using arseholes?

Flip