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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not attend BIL's wedding?

16 replies

DirtyHabit · 21/08/2011 18:46

My BIL and his partner have just announced their engagement and at the same time told everyone it was going to be abroad (country where his partner is from).

I've done some quick research on the Internet cost of travel, accomodation, food etc and it comes to 1.5k-2k for the 5 of us. That's for either going for 2 nights or 5 nights.

We dont have this money to spare and have a debt of just under 1k that will hopefully be paid off before wedding next year.

Pre credit crunch I would have thought nothing of putting this on a credit card but with the rising cost of food, fuel etc I'm really reluctant to and have that kind of debt hanging over us.

I've looked into DH going on his own and it would still cost around 1k as the venue is really remote so there's only one hotel you can stay in.

We had planned to get married abroad when we were younger and BIL said he couldn't come due to the cost. In the end we didn't and only got married last year in our home town (3 kids later and our plans had changed somewhat!).

We have 3 pre-schoolers and on one wage so money is tight.

I get on well with DH's family but I know we'll probably get stick if we don't go to the wedding.

So are we being unreasonable not to attend?

OP posts:

Zimm · 21/08/2011 18:49

YANBU at all - spending this kind of money when you have 3 kids is a big deal. I wouldn't go if it were me.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 18:52

I suppose this is an inevitable problem if his fiancee is from another country.

It's when people just make the decision to marry abroad and expect everyone else to spend hundreds/thousands on getting there/staying there etc that I don't like it.

Does she have a large family/lot of friends over there?

drcrab · 21/08/2011 18:56

I imagine they'll have a big bash here so you guys can attend that...? Unless they insist on having DH has a best man (which was what happened with my BIL...who wanted DH to be his best man, for a wedding that they organised to happen around my due date - but that's a different thread).

My DD is going to be 1 in a month's time and we're going to have a birthday party for her and of course, they won't be coming for it. argh.

wompoopigeon · 21/08/2011 18:57

If you don't have the £ you don't have the £. Simples.

I expect a lot of people will be in your situation, so why not ask nicely what celebrations if any they are planning in the UK? And then really get enthusiastic about those.

BlueArmyGirl · 21/08/2011 18:59

It's not unreasonable, it's unfortunately one of those things and BIL should understand that especially since there are 5 of you to fund a trip for!

When couples decide to marry abroad, for whatever reason, they have to accept that in terms of guest list it'll be a compromise - family or not.

wearenotamused · 21/08/2011 19:00

Me and my DH got married in the states (slightly different as we were living there and that is where DH and DC1 were born) And though my parents and two sister came out my brother could not afford it. For months I thought that we won't be able to make it and while it was upsetting I understood. So surely you BIL and rest of the family would understand if they know it is purely about the money and nothing else? In the end though my parents gave him half the airfair and he stayed with us. I know not everyone is able to do this but if your PIL are, would they be accomodating or perhaps lend you the money and so you don't have the interest ect you would with credit cards.

Esp as you said about what your wedding would have been and at the time BIL won't be able to come due to money - if he is a reasonable sort of man he should accept such an explanation especially if it is clear only money is holding you back

Getting married aboard is a faff, he and his partner must be aware that not everyone they invite will be able to come either due to time off or money.

So no YANBU not go due to the cost.

Explain it to him and partner and agree to do something special with you and your family and BIL and his new wife when they return.

(I will say that if your DH decides to go by himself for 1K, you are going to get into debt - just all go)

Original poster

DirtyHabit · 21/08/2011 19:02

Imperial His fiancée told me that the number of family/friends here and there are pretty much even but the reason they've chosen to get married in her home country is because the venue and food are cheaper for them!

OP posts:

G1nger · 21/08/2011 19:04

They might not mind at all, you know. They might already be thinking that a lot of people won't make it. They might even (hopefully) be planning a second reception party for when they return.

I didn't go to my sister's wedding, which was abroad. It really was no big deal for anyone.

exoticfruits · 21/08/2011 19:06

Just invite them around for a meal when they get back. They have to expect that not many will get there.

WorzselMummage · 21/08/2011 19:07

Just say you can't afford it.

My BIL was going to get married in Mexico, we couldn't have afford it and said we wouldn't be able to attend. They changed their plans and got married in Shropshire

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 19:09

It's silly to go into debt for it. Invite them to a celebratory dinner when they return, when they can tell you all about it.

sjuperwolef · 21/08/2011 19:23

i wouldnt go, just say you will go for a drink with them when they return and wish them a happy day :)

Original poster

DirtyHabit · 21/08/2011 19:56

drcrab They haven't mentioned having a bash here yet but I'm sure they'll do something as there's a few elderly relatives who won't be able to travel that far. No, DH had his best friend as his Best Man and BIL is having his so that's one less problem I suppose!

wearenotamused The PIL's are retired so don't think they have that kind of cash spare.

We're the only party with young children as well. Everyone else is childless professionals with a much much bigger disposable income then us so I don't think they realise how expensive it will be for us to attend.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

Engelsmeisje · 21/08/2011 20:04

If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. People have to accept that when they get married abroad.

I got married last week in the Netherlands (we live here and DH is Dutch) and my grandparents couldn't make it (they're in their 80s and it would have been too much of a journey for them), nor could my youngest sister who is currently travelling in Australia. There's was no way I expected her to come all this way for what was in the end a joint family meal (with a wedding ceremony thrown in!). We still got grief from all the people we DIDN'T invite (we kept it very small beause it was all a bit last minute and I'm 7 months pregnant).

Wedding guest lists and attendance do tend to bring out the worst in some people, but if they're normal human beings they should just accept that you can't make it (or pay for you to come!).

smoggii · 21/08/2011 20:16

I got married abroad and knew when I booked it I expected that only those who both wanted to and could afford it would come, I would not be upset if any family members or friends couldn't come for financial reasons.

We knew that getting married was our (slightly selfish) choice. I was sad that some family couldn't be there but we had a party when we came back and for the older relatives who couldn't be there we took the DVD round with a bottle and enjoyed it together.

Tell them you can't afford it but would like to have them round one evening with the photos/DVD and you will do a treat meal so you and your family can enjoy it with the happy couple after the event, you could also save a special gift for them for that night.

Just be honest, i'm sure they will understand.

DinahRod · 21/08/2011 20:26

Just have to say you cannot afford it and warmly wish them the best.

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