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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be on MN at 1am having a moan?

15 replies

AKMD · 21/08/2011 01:33

I'm having major surgery in 3 weeks time that could kill me and if it doesn't, will still leave me with long-term health problems.
I possibly have cancer.
I reacted badly to the pre-op vaccines I had to have this week and have an itchy rash all over.
I have a cold. Gah!
I cannot sleep.
I have to give a major presentation at work on Monday morning and am not prepared because I've been so stressed out and terrified that I am going to leave 1yo DS without a mum.
I am so sick and tired of people saying 'at least'. At least what?!

End of moan. AIBU?

OP posts:

madhattershouse · 21/08/2011 01:36

YANBU!!! I'd have a major rant if I were in your shoes. Feel free to shout, swear and generally let out your feelings, you are in a shit situation!

PoppyDoolally · 21/08/2011 01:39

Not at all. I've just woken myself up from a nightmare and have gone all round my house checking windows and locks. And put police on speed dial. Is THAT unreasonable?

PoppyDoolally · 21/08/2011 01:42

And btw please please look after yourself. If that means address flexible working at this difficult time or additional help at home just so you can focus on you getting well x

Original poster

AKMD · 21/08/2011 01:43

YANBU Poppy, although you might want to undo the speed dial in the morning if your DC are anything like DS! I woke up from a nightmare once convinced the student flat I was in was on fire and checked the entire building before I went back to sleep :)

OP posts:

snippywoo2 · 21/08/2011 01:43

surely with all this going on your doctor can sign you of sick so you can spend time with your child

snippywoo2 · 21/08/2011 01:45

of-off

PisteysInManhatten · 21/08/2011 01:52

I'm thinking you are entitled to rant wherever and whenever, it sounds like you have a lot of things on your plate....

Original poster

AKMD · 21/08/2011 01:52

He could but I am already taking annual leave and the presentation on Monday is non-optional

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 02:09

Let it all out here; it will help you do what you have to do on Monday, after which I would suggest you review your decision to take annual leave for what is clearly a medically certifiable reasaon for you to take sick leave.

Original poster

AKMD · 21/08/2011 02:36

I'm taking annual leave because I only get sick pay for 6 weeks, which I will need presuming the operation goes ok, and we can't afford the loss of income sadly.

Rant is just that I am miserable and scared and can't believe I have a cold when I want to be spending as much time as possible having fun with my family. I have been upbeat and positive since a problem was first spotted nearly 5 months ago but I think I've done too good a job of it and family and friends think it's no biggie, I'm coping fine and will be fine when the truth is that the have been some days that I've been unable to care for DS properly as I'm frozen in panic to the point that I can't think straight. DH is being stoic about it and regress to just let me vent out all the fear and frustration and instead keeps trying to console me with best case scenarios, which makes me feel like a whinger. I have friends emailing/testing me asking when they can visit, which is stressing me out even though I know they just want to help. People in general keep saying 'at least you are young, you have a better chance' and 'at least you spotted the problem early' and 'at least you have possibly the best surgeon in the country for this', all of which is true but, again, making me feel like a whinger. I have always been a bright, sunny sort of person who minimises and glosses over bad things but right not I jet want to scream.

OP posts:

Original poster

AKMD · 21/08/2011 02:38

Sorry for the iPad typos!

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 21/08/2011 02:47

God, no wonder you are stressed. I don't know what to say that could comfort you, not knowing the details, and sometimes that's not what you are looking for. I can see why your dh's soothing attempts can make you feel like you do. Many people want to take the fear away and yet it's a solitary thing having an op.

God, am not helping here. Just want to let you know am here if you want to offload. x

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 03:30

Have you searched the net to see if there are support groups for your particular condition(s) as others who have experienced what you are going through may be better placed to help you through this ordeal?

No matter how sunny and upbeat we may be in normal circumstances
it's entirely natural that, when confronted by serious or life-changing illness and/or major surgery. we may find ourselves going to a very dark place of fear and anger before we can begin to grope our way into the light again - and when we do emerge there's no guarantee that we'll stay fear and anger free until we are post-surgery or have an improved prognosis.

Sometimes it is easier to completely offload to a stranger rather than our nearest and dearest who may, in their turn, be imagining worst-case scenarios and be desperately clinging on to the prospect of best possible outcomes for us.

If a stranger tells us something we don't want to hear, we can at least tell them to fuck off and stick their positivity where the sun don't shine.

If you can't unburden yourself fully to your dh and immerse yourself in grief for a while, please try to find a stranger so that you can express some of your darkest fears and unload some of your burden.

If you should feel the need to vent in the strictest confidence, please feel free to pm me whenever.

glotheblo · 21/08/2011 03:45

Hello, it is 3.44,am if you are still awake here is what you should do, go and get a blanket and a nice soft pillow, now go and lie down, anywhere you are comfy, it doesnt matter where, be good to yourself and lie down, rest and just close your eyes, take it from somone who knows, it does not matter if you sleep, now go and get that blanket and pillow and allow yourself a soft place to fall.

JenniferYellowHatsRedLingerie · 21/08/2011 06:41

Wow, AKMD, you sound so strong and amazing.
Of course you're scared, and stressed, and apprehensive. Who wouldn't be?
Like other posters have said, people around you are trying to be positive (maybe selfishly, they want to reassure themselves; maybe to try to reassure you; maybe both), but I think you need to sit your DH down and ask him to let you talk it out - even if it's not very comfortable for him. You need to talk about your fears, or they eat you up inside and that won't help you be positive yourself when you need your strength to recover from the operation and/or deal with any further diagnoses or prognoses the doctors give you afterwards. Likewise, do you have a good friend you can offload on in a similar way - you say you might have done too good a job of being upbeat about it all?
Re your sick leave: have you spoken to your line manager /hr dept about your conditions and special leave? I say this as in my company, we deal with "extraordinary" situations on a case by case basis (iyswim) - eg, a lady in my shop had cancer and we paid her for 6 months in full while she had chemo and recovered from operations. I'm sure the people round you at work will want to discuss this and help you.
I think I'm rambling, it's very early :) but I wanted to add my support. I have little experience to advise you but if you wanted to offload in confidence, I would be very happy to listen to you.
All good luck and love being sent to you x

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