Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Daughters in law

21 replies

nanban · 18/08/2011 07:52

My DiL has cut off all contact from our son and grandson. No matter what I say, or do over and over again it is twisted all out of any recognition, and from being a loving, happy, funny family our lives have been devastated.

OP posts:

kittensliveupstairs · 18/08/2011 07:54

I am struggling to see your point TBH. You would need to give specific examples.

Mitmoo · 18/08/2011 07:56

It's between you and your son or it should be, why do you think the DIL has so much power of him?

nothingnatural · 18/08/2011 07:58

eh? Have your DIL and son separated?

Can you give a bit more detail?

And maybe Am I being unresonable is the wrong topic for this - maybe post in Relationships - you'll probably get a bit more support.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/08/2011 07:59

I think people need more history to be able to give opinions/advice. On the face of it though, you son has allowed this to happen, indicating that he is in agreement with his wife.

nothingnatural · 18/08/2011 08:00

Oh, I am being thick, sorry. Your DIL has ensured you don't see your son and grandson. Right?

Can you speak directly to your son?

Perhaps instigate some family mediation?

joric · 18/08/2011 08:01

Very short post which doesn't tell us a lot about what has led up to this situation......

lisianthus · 18/08/2011 08:02

Unless she has them locked in the cellar, it wasn't just your DiL's decision, so it is BOTH your son and your DiL who have decided to cut off contact. Don't just blame her. If you are in the habit of assigning all blame to her for everything, this doesn't indicate that you necessarily had the perfect relationship before this happened.

If you tell us a bit more about it, people may be able to make constructive suggestions to help?

Maiavan · 18/08/2011 08:11

nanban please come back so we can try and help you.

Nobody has the "perfect" relationship as all the parties would have to be perfect, which is impossible.

Please tell us a little more. I suspect you posted such a brief statement and ran as you are feeling very low. I am noticing this is often the case when people need help the most.

ThePosieParker · 18/08/2011 08:14

A little more info please.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 18/08/2011 08:15

Why is it your DIL's fault?

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 08:17

Why are people being so horrible to OP? She is ovbiously posting because she is upset-a few kind words wouldn't go amiss.
Alas it is all too common,nanban, I was talking to a woman only this week whose DIL is just not interested in knowing them.
Unfortunately you will need to get your DS to do something. Have you tried writing him a letter?

Mishy1234 · 18/08/2011 08:25

I agree exoticfruits. Is there any specific history which could explain your DIL's behaviour?

Unfortunately it's not an uncommon scenario. A lot of DIL's seem to use their offspring as weapons against their inlaws. I'm not referring to those situations where there is a valid reason, but to those where the DIL simply doesn't like her inlaws for some reason. These women are forgetting that their partners have a family too and they don't get automatic 'ownership' over him simply because they are in a relationship/marriage. Give and take is required in a DIL/PIL relationship. Your inlays won't be around forever and it's important for your children to get to know their family.

You really need to speak to your DS OP and try to find the root cause. If he's not willing to stand up and be counted then there is little you can do unfortunately.

thinNigella · 18/08/2011 08:31

Oh no! Poor you that's so sad.

Have you any idea why?

Sadly, DILs and MILS rarely see things the same. Has anything happened, been said? Has she just had a baby and is suffering sever sleep deprivation - IME this leads to paranoia.
I agree with others that your son needs to have a word, do you know what he feels about this?

LRDTheFeministDragon · 18/08/2011 08:32

Oh, how scary for you. I hope it is just a sitution that got twisted out of control, and can be sorted.

I do know sometimes people react very strongly because the communication has failed, especially if they're feeling pressured with small children anyway - my mum did what your DIL has done once, but we children don't even remember - for us, it was such a short time before it was all sorted and we saw our granddad again! I hope maybe it'll be like that here.

If you can tell us a bit more about what's been happening I'm sure people will have more specific advice about how to mend fences and show her you want to be in touch.

ThePosieParker · 18/08/2011 08:35

I don't speak to my in laws but my dcs do still see them....

Maiavan · 18/08/2011 08:47

People react very differently when its the DIL who is the instigator. If someone came on and said my son in law was stopping me from seeing my DD and GC, the response would probably be "your dd is in a relationship with an abusive, controlling man". It is equally possible and not to uncommon for the woman to be that controlling/selfish. It happens daily.

This nan who is an imperfect woman (just like us), who feels hurt, pain, fear, love - just like us - has come on here with a problem.

cartesiandebt · 18/08/2011 09:01

Without more information, it's impossible to conclude whether the DIL is the instigator or not.

Morloth · 18/08/2011 09:03

Children can get married now?!

Surely your son is a grown man and can make his own decisions?

I would say the same if it was reversed adults make decisions, sometimes they make the wrong decisions but it is pointless blaming someone else.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/08/2011 09:05

Your son has made a choice. He has chosen his wife. As every man should do if they have to make a choice.

Why was there a choice to make in the first place?

Groovee · 18/08/2011 09:09

This sounds exactly like Dh's Brother and his wife. She regularly bans our MIL from seeing her sons. I've said for about 7 years that she has mental health problems. She cannot stand my children seeing their paternal grandparents and tried to cause problems with me and my inlaws so I cut her out of my life. But for me and my children it is the best thing.

My inlaws usually sit breaking their hearts before their other son turns up and they ask when they get to see them. Suddenly they turn up en mass usually when they want something.

Hope you can sort it out someway but (((hugs))) if you can't :-(

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 11:10

The person that I know is lovely-it is just that her DIL has no interest in any of the family beyond her DH. When you get married you get parents, grandparents, cousins, great aunts, old childhood friends etc etc etc. No man comes alone.
I agree it is the old double standards-if a man stops his DW seeing her family he is controlling and the advice is 'leave him'. If a woman posts there must be something wrong with MIL!

Flip