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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me or dh?

19 replies

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 11:54

This morning I casually asked dh to help with house work. Not do alot just be a bit more considerate and then said he left dc's drinking cup in car yesterday and he flipped saying he forgot - I said it's ok I've got another but in future will u try and remember...but he cut me off midway threw the loaf of bread down (he was making toast) and stormed out to the car, I called after him that it doesn't matter I have found another but he ignored it and shouted "I'll get it if it's that important to you". I then went upstairs with both dc's out of his way and to get dressed and I heard him tidying up :-/

I only wanted him to think in future "oh I best take baby's changing bag in the house we might need it" or yesterday I came home to half a drunk bottle of milk, bottle top behind the sofa. It wouldn't of hurt him to wash it up or just put it in the sink. I don't work and he does so I do expect to do all the hw but aibu asking him to help by just being a bit more considerate.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 14/08/2011 11:58

How much does he usually help you?

You sound totally reasonable, but is there background to this?

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 12:01

He took baby dc downstairs 5 mins later dc was moaning I heard dh say loudly " it's not my fault mummy can't be arsed to feed you". (bf) I wouldn't care but I fed him just b4 we went upstairs and the next feed is solids so dh COULD of done it.

OP posts:

mrsnesbit · 14/08/2011 12:03

spoilt brat behaviour!

what a dick!

You are DNBU imho.

LynetteScavo · 14/08/2011 12:05

Unless you are always perfect, I think asking him to remember to bring things in from the car was a bit, um , naggy.

I would be peed off if DH asked me to remember to bring things in from the car. I understand you want him to be more considerate, but from what you've said it sounds like you want him to be perfect.

Surely there must be more to it than this.

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 12:07

He often will make tea for me & him if I'm tied up feeding. I have made more of an effort with tea. I don't want him to do housework it'd be nice if he washed dishes once in a while. He's sat in room I'm in conservatory 'feeding' dc (baby food)

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 14/08/2011 12:08

Total over reaction from him. He sounds like an immature brat.

Why should you do all the housework? Why should you run around, or be on call, 24/7 while he gets to sit on his arse outside of his working hours?

As for the DC. He is their father. It is his responsibility to feed and care for them as much as yours.

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 12:08

He doesn't normally have a paddy, but I don't normally say anything. There's not anymore to it unless dh feels different

OP posts:

pjmama · 14/08/2011 12:14

I used to have this with DH, he's improving after much reminding over many years, I accept he'll never be perfect! It's not about expecting him to clean and do housework (I'm a SAHM, kids in school and do most of the housework usually), just not make a mess! Put things back where they're supposed to be, don't leave slops of water and milk on the counter when making a drink, rinse bottles and put them in the recycling instead of just leaving them there for me to do. It's just the little things that are about considering the person who is trying to keep the house clean and tidy and not making the job harder for them. Annoying.

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 12:28

That's exactly what i've been trying to say to him don't make as much mess or tidy your mess please. I clean after 2 dc's so I have enough mess. Often I wake up to find in the kitchen bread crums, knife, wrappers spread out on the side where dh has made a midnight sandwich :-/

OP posts:

pjmama · 14/08/2011 12:40

Yes that's not fair. It's just lazy and inconsiderate to make a mess, then walk away from it knowing someone else is going to have to clean up after you. You're not his mother and he needs to grow up and show you a bit of respect.

wicketkeeper · 14/08/2011 13:09

My DH has the endearing habit of leaving a trail behind him in the kitchen. He'll do lunch, but leaves bread board covered in crumbs, butter out of the fridge, peelings on the bench. Basically he just doesn't tidy up as he goes. So I've taken to saying, when I find the offending articles, 'Oh, have you finished with this? Do mind if I tidy it up?' I get accused of being sarcastic (which is fair enough, cos I am being) - but he doesn't do it so often.

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 16:40

Well I made Sunday lunch and after dh says how nice it was so I said "I'll leave you to tidy up then"

OP posts:

LuceyLasstic · 14/08/2011 17:13

it would put my back up if someone said "well, in future can you do xxxx"

smacks of boss to servant :(

Ephiny · 14/08/2011 17:21

Yes I would be a bit at being spoken to like that. It sounds like something you'd say to a child, or telling off a subordinate at work, not how partners should speak to each other.

No excuse for him throwing things down and storming about etc, that sounds childish on his part. Maybe you've got into a bit of a pattern of relating to each other like parent/child?

fedupofnamechanging · 14/08/2011 17:23

Well, one of you has to remember to bring the baby cup in from the car - otherwise it will go all manky. I can't see that it is his job more than yours or vice versa, unless one of you has taken the dc out alone, in which case it's that persons responsibility to unpack the car properly.

I think it is very rude to make a mess and deliberately leave it for your partner to clear up. It's disrespectful and treats them like domestic staff, rather than a partner. And actually, even if I had domestic staff, I'd still wipe up my own breadcrumbs etc.

I think that maybe you came across as a bit bossy and dictatorial, but if you've spent a long time dealing with someone who takes the piss and behaves as if you were their skivvy, then I can see why you would get more dictatorial sounding as time goes on and there is no change in attitude.

Btw, being a sahm means that you are responsible for the house and dc while he is at work. When he gets home, they (and the house) are as much his responsibility as yours.

natandjacob · 14/08/2011 17:30

i can see why he might be a bit annoyed at the way you worded it but he really should tidy up after himself.
i have the same problem with dp, puts his rubbish next to the sink instead of walking an extra metre to put it in the bin. i always make a joke of it "2 mins while i wash your breadcrumbs and yoghurt pot for you." does his head in but it sounds better than nagging and gets him to do it himself.

as a sahm the majoraty of the housework should be done by yourself but he cant expect to get away with doing nothing. wont hurt him to put a wash in or quickly do some dishes on a weekend

Original poster

pinkyp · 14/08/2011 20:51

Thanks for your advice, I do struggle with how to word things so might of sounded bossy/ like I was talking to a child. I don't say things often but I was getting fed up as I left dh in bed for a lie in, went downatairs and in the kitchen and tripped over his shoes, walked past the car seats he keeps saying he'll fix for me (so I can put them on eBay), worked out what he has eaten for a snack last night (from wrappers on side - near the bin) and then tidyed up.

Oh the cup was in his changing bag (he has his own - apparently he won't be seen dead with my pink one ) as he took the dc's out yesterday on his own

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/08/2011 21:34

"Well I made Sunday lunch and after dh says how nice it was so I said "I'll leave you to tidy up then" "

Just a tad passive aggressive then

WelliesinJune · 14/08/2011 22:20

Sounds like my DH. Driving me mad at the mo. Came back from stag weekend, left bag, newspapers, used dishes etc all over the kitchen. When I commented he said "it's so nice to be home and nagged again". I just want a bit if consideration. I also don't work but do all cooking, cleaning etc and am happy to do it but just expect a basic level of consideration for the house eg putting your bag away, putting laundry in the basket, dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

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