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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby sitting

26 replies

hypnopotamus · 13/08/2011 14:38

I am a grandmother in my fifties and still working full time, I have 3 grandchildren to 2 daughters, both of them lone parents in their 30's, one is gong back to college so is in the process of changing her job to fit round this, she will be working evenings/weekends and although she is doing this she has not asked if it is ok for me to have the kids while she works ( I work office hours and she will be starting at 6pm) I know from past experience that this will be just expected of me. AIBU to not be happy about this?

OP posts:

smoggii · 13/08/2011 14:49

If you don't want to do it tell her, but I think it's very respectable that she is continuing to work while studying and YABU if you are not willing to support her in any way you can.

Bigglewinkle · 13/08/2011 14:51

No YANBU if its a long term thing, which I'd guess it would be. She should have discussed it with you and agreed things with you; including any pay for doing the childcare. Not that you might demand pay but if I needed my mum to do this amount of childcare I wouldn't assume she'd do it for free.

cjbartlett · 13/08/2011 14:51

I don't agree with smoggli
I'd ring her and say you can't babysit now before she makes any firm plans

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 14:53

Don't agree, she should run things by you first, it should not just be assumed that you will do it, you need down time too.

Now and again is fine but all the time to cover? No sorry it be a pisstake.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 13/08/2011 14:56

You need to say something now.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2011 14:58

I also disagree with Smoggii. I am a widowed parent who once relied on my DM for childcare, but it was agreed first.

How many nights a week is it going to be, + weekends, by the sound of it, you will be raising her DC. I agree to helping out whenever you can, and i am looking forward to being a nan, but you also need a life of your own.

Otherwise we would spend all our life raising DC's, god forbid

HoneyPablo · 13/08/2011 14:59

YANBU if she just assumes that you will look after her children
YABU to just assume that she will expect you to
I would ask her straight out what arrangements she has made for childcare while she works. At least that way you will know and you can set her straight.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 13/08/2011 14:59

You need to talk and ask her what arrangements she has made.

worraliberty · 13/08/2011 15:00

It's plain rude not to ask you first but if you 'know from past experience', why have you allowed them to take advantage of you?

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 15:04

Talk to your daughter ask her who is going to care for the child whilst she works, if she says YOU, say no sorry you can help out now and again but cannot be the sole babysitter as you have a life of your own and a house of your own to look after.

scaredwhatsnext · 13/08/2011 15:06

YANBU At all . The next time you are talking to her , try bring it up in conversation and tell her that you have your own life to live .

ballstoit · 13/08/2011 15:09

I'm a lone parent in my 30's. My mum and dad have always been very clear that, while they're happy to help me out, they don't want to raise any more children.

During term time they have my DC one day a week while I study, and in the holidays they come for days out with us once or twice a week, or come for dinner and helps put the DC to bed.

I feel very lucky that they are prepared to help out this much, and wouldnt expect any more from them. I want them to have a close relationship with my DC, but also to be able to have fun with them and spoil them a bit if they want to. If they were providing childcare on a daily basis they wouldnt be able to treat their grandchildren how they'd like to, as they'd have to be disciplining more and spoiling/having fun less.

Please talk to your DD asap, as she'll need to rethink if she's asumming yu'll prvide childcare more that you'd like to.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 13/08/2011 15:10

tell her you are doing evenig classes .

cjbartlett · 13/08/2011 15:13

If you work full-time and care for your grandchildren every evening and every weekend you'd be doing two full time jobs which is definitely not on, you'd be knackered and when would you do your washing, shopping, gardening etc?

clam · 13/08/2011 15:14

smoggii what an incredible sense of entitlement you have! Why on earth should the OP be committed, without being asked, to childcare every evening and at weekends?
And anyway, how would it work? If she brings the DCs round to your house, what happens once they're asleep and she returns, needing to take them home? Or is she expecting the OP to sit round at her house? Every night and at weekends too?
This is a crazily unrealistic expectation. BUT, it begs the question as to how it came about that the daughter ever thought it might be a possibility. Presumably the OP has been accommodating in the past.

LuceyLasstic · 13/08/2011 15:33

if you dont want to do it, tell her you are also taking a course in the evenings - cooking, languages, counselling, whatever

then she might think twice about taking your help for granted

worraliberty · 13/08/2011 15:35

I don't see why the OP should lie to her daughter?

Littlefish · 13/08/2011 15:41

Just ask her what childcare she is planning for her child and go from there.

I think you need to have the conversation as soon as possible so that she has time to organise alternatives.

I think it is absolutely reasonable that the OP doesn't want to take on this childcare. My dm has always said that in an emergency, she will always help out, but doesn't want to do anything on a regular basis. My MIL, on the other hand, picks dd up from school one day a week and looks after her until 6.00pm.

DontGoCurly · 13/08/2011 16:16

Smoggii What a bunch of bullshit.

OP has reared her own family and is due a bit of peace and rest in her fifties. It's outrageous of the daughter to assume OP has nothing better to do than spend her evenings and weekend doing unpaid childcare.

OP, your daughters I'm afraid are totally thoughtless and will need it spelled out to them that you no longer have the energy to work every waking hour on theuir behalf.

If your daughter wants to go to college then she needs to arrange proper childcare like an adult and not expect you to seamlessly jump into the breach. Don't do it. You've earned your free time. Your daughters expectations are rude and selfish.

YellowDinosaur · 13/08/2011 16:23

Hold on though. The OP is only presuming that her dd expects this. One reason that her dd hasn't discussed this with her is that she may have made other arrangements. I don't think its on to have a go at her dd without knowing that this is the case.

Of course if it IS the case that is very unreasonable of her.

OP if you are worrying about this, perhaps because your dd has form with this, then a casual question as to what she is doing wrt childcare would help you settle this. If she asks you at that point then you are certainly not unreasonable to say no to such a big commitment. And if that means she cannot do the course (or will need to o it by correspondance or other) then that is up to her.

LolaRennt · 13/08/2011 16:28

If you don't want to do it tell her, but I think it's very respectable that she is continuing to work while studying and YABU if you are not willing to support her in any way you can.

So a woman who raised her own children, and is still working full time wbu to have a life?

I am sorry but I am thinking some very rude words that will only get this post deleted. So I will just you are wrong smoggi and the OP is NBU at all.

I think it would be a piss take to even ask myself, she should arrange cover and (quietly) hope you will offer. Although I wouldn't

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 13/08/2011 16:38

YANBU You're entitled to a life of you own.

You do need to ask your DD what she's doing about childcare asap though. That way she can arrange an alternative if she was assuming that you would provide childcare.

YellowDinosaur · 13/08/2011 17:06

See I think the only reason the OP should ask about childcare is so she doesn't worry herself.

If her dd presumes that she will help, without neven having the decency to ask, and is therefore let down she only has herself to blame.

Not nice perhaps. And if she didn't have form then I wouldn't do this. But she does. Maybe this would teach her?

Original poster

hypnopotamus · 13/08/2011 17:44

Thank you everyone, that has given me something to go on and wont make me feels so bad about whatever compromises I decide to make, I will speak to her soon and get sorted soon as.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 17:53

Just ask her what childcare she is planning for her child and go from there.

I agree with that. Start by asking what her plans are rather then saying "sorry I'm not going to be able to do it" before she's even asked. If she really is assuming you will do it (without asking) then she's out of order so you have nothing to apologise for.

Help out once a week or something if you can but don't take on the whole responsibility (unless you want to) as you have your own life to lead.

It drives me mad that some people get so much help that they don't appreciate. I get none as my lovely mum passed away and it's really hard. I would appreciate a 10 min break once a month/every 6 months!

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