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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong?

38 replies

knittynoodle · 11/08/2011 22:07

SIL has never disciplined her little boy. She has a lot of help from MIL (ie he lives there some of the time, MIL feeds him and looks after him) and whenever the boy is naughty, she passes him to someone else and says 'Go to nanny/aunty/uncle/anyone else nearby. Me and DP have discussed it as our little boy has taken a hit from this child many times. Hes 20mo.

Tonight, as I was sat on the floor feeding our 8mo, he came up behind me and pulled my hair. No one said a word. The second time he was literally hanging on my hair, I turned and said 'NO' but no one else said anything. DP rolled his eyes as if to say, its ok we'll talk about it later. Then nephew actually took a run up from behind me and punched me in the face from behind. My glasses are broken. I held him arm (because he was going to punch me again) and said 'NEPHEWS NAME, NO' in a firmer voice.

SIL began verbally attacking me and said I need to learn not to handle a child like that. I said if she had ever said No to him in anyway ever, he might not be hitting everyone at the moment. DP is fuming. Im fuming. We left at that point. I never hit the child or anything like that, I just held his arm from hitting me again.

Was I wrong to have told him off?

OP posts:
cookielove · 11/08/2011 22:09

Well i would have told him off so, no YANBU

GypsyMoth · 11/08/2011 22:09

no, is she paying for your glasses?

how have you held your tongue for this long?

Kayano · 11/08/2011 22:10

No. Sounds like a crap mum who is in for a shock.

Enjoy feeling smug in the future. I would :D

Original poster
knittynoodle · 11/08/2011 22:10

I held it together for the hair pulls. But the punch in the face was like an adult blow. I cried when I got home.

OP posts:
Kayano · 11/08/2011 22:11

Ps... Prob get flamed for this but it had been my nephew he would have got a smack.

Yes... I said smack

whackamole · 11/08/2011 22:12

NO, most certainly not! Yes, sometimes small children get boisterous and do silly and sometimes painful things (!) but sometimes saying no is not enough and they need to be physically restrained.

Where would she have stepped in? When he pulled a hank of your hair out? Bit your face? He hit you hard enough to break your glasses FGS.

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/08/2011 22:16

i tell all my DN&N no and my sibling do the same for if my dc are being badly behaved.

meditrina · 11/08/2011 22:16

Everyone had the right to self-defence, and having already hit you once he was about to strike you again. I think what you did was appropriate, and frankly, I'd have told him "No!" after the first hair pull and asked sIL to keep him away.

If they will not countenance intervention when the child is actually hitting, all I can suggest is minimising future contact.

Original poster
knittynoodle · 11/08/2011 22:19

She has never stepped in. He has punched and bitten and pinched people, stolen food from our DS, punched and bitten him! She sits on the sofa and orders her family to look after the child. Her mother is pretty much raising the boy. (I in no way blame our Nephew either, its totally because his mother is uninterested and never tells him off)

OP posts:
Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:19

No, you were not U at all to tell him off.
Sounds as if her turning on you was a shite way of hiding her own embarrassment (even from herself) after she saw some consequences of her (and DP's?) failure to set and maintain boundaries.

Original poster
knittynoodle · 11/08/2011 22:20

I just feel really shitty about it all, even though Im sure I did the right thing :(

OP posts:
Eglu · 11/08/2011 22:20

YANBU. As others have said you just defended yourself.

And I won't flame Kayano as I agree.

Goodynuff · 11/08/2011 22:21

yanbu! You showed great restraint... your sister needs a good think about what she will do when the little one grows up and starts throwing his weight around

budgieshell · 11/08/2011 22:21

Oh, as my mother would say "She's making a rod for her own back".

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 22:22

She will be in for a shock when he has difficulties everywhere. I hope that you are charging herfor the glasses?

thisisyesterday · 11/08/2011 22:22

well i'd have said more than NO.
he'd have got a proper telling off from me

Sirzy · 11/08/2011 22:24

Yanbu and make sure she pays for the new glasses.

WilsonFrickett · 11/08/2011 22:24

Grin at budgie

YANBU. Of course.

CocoPopsAddict · 11/08/2011 22:25

YANBU. I would avoid, as far as possible.

Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:27

knittynoodle - do you feel shitty because you had a go at some poor boundary-less kid, rather than the adults who should have given him some idea of the limits of acceptable behaviour?
If so, I know exactly how you feel.
But if he's school age, he should know his behaviour's not acceptable.
.... As for his mum, I'm sure she's well aware, really, that she wasn't being reasonable (which isn't to say that she'll pull her head out of the sand from now on, sadly).
Maybe in future be prepared for the fact that SIL & co. won't provide boundaries - which means you might have to find tactful ways of doing so yourself. Not ideal - and you'll probably still get shouted out by SIL from time to time - but, y'know, c'est la vie...

Birdsgottafly · 11/08/2011 22:34

So it is your DP's sister and DM? Why is he not having words over SIL inability to parent her DS affectively? Why are you both prepared to stand back and let the child be damaged without saying something?

Has she got any medical issues that prevent her from parenting?

Tbh it doesn't sound as though your MIL is 'raising him' he is being left to self regulate, which he is incapable of at his age without being given the basics, first.

Original poster
knittynoodle · 11/08/2011 22:35

I think thats exactly that, it should never have come to me telling him off :(

DP has called his brother and he says after we left, FIL told SIL off for not controlling her child and she left in a huff because 'he should have defended her'. I feel abit better but just so sorry for nephew and DP and the whole situation.

OP posts:
Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:39

It is indeed very sad - because it'll be the kid who loses out socially, psychologically, etc. because his parents won't set boundaries.
But IME trying to engage in rational discussion about this with parents who doggedly refuse to set boundaries for DCs is like pissing in the wind - i.e. they'll use accept any but any excuse to fob off criticism, rather than take responsibility.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/08/2011 22:40

She's making a rod for her own back"^ Spot on budgie but, sad to say, she's making a bigger rod for her ds's back.

Now you've started, OP, I suggest you continue to reprimand your dn whenever he steps out of line and exhibits unacceptable behavour to you and/or your dc - and tell your DP to man up, protect his dc, and support you.

Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:44

I sort of agree with izzy - except for 'reprimanding' a child who hasn't been already been told not to do what he's doing.
You could try to find some middle ground - i.e. communicating to him that what he's doing isn't OK, without making him feel shit about it.

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