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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 10/08/2011 21:38

Why can't you get a better paid job?

smoggii · 10/08/2011 21:39

My heart really bleeds for you

FabbyChic · 10/08/2011 21:40

Its about job satisfaction not earnings. Do you want him to have a heart a attack or a nervous breakdown from working. Sounds like things are better for him now.

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/08/2011 21:40

yabu, isn't your husband happiness more important.

livinonaprayer · 10/08/2011 21:40

Sorry but I think YABabitU. You say that he is much happier and less stressed now which will impact positively on his relationship with your DCs. If you are managing to pay bills etc then seems ok to me.

FabbyChic · 10/08/2011 21:41

Oh and stop being so selfish.

Goodynuff · 10/08/2011 21:41

As a sahm, I can understand the money worries, but at the same time, a happy DH counts for a hell of a lot too.
Is there a way to met in the middle? Perhaps if he can help more at home, so that you can work more hours?

HarrietJones · 10/08/2011 21:42

Nope as long as he does stuff at home there's no reason it has to be him earning.

Dh took a pay cut to a job paying less than 1/6th of his old one and having him not stressed was well worth it. Never under estimate what stress came do to your health

squeakytoy · 10/08/2011 21:43

How old are the children?

Why cant you work more hours?

Awomancalledhorse · 10/08/2011 21:43

^ What they said.
YABU.

ShellyBoobs · 10/08/2011 21:43

YANBU.

If he's capable of attaining a better paid job, he should do so.

I would think otherwise if his current job wasn't leaving you 'tight' at the end of the month but since it is he's letting his family down.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:43

bloody hell, you would sacrifice your husbands mental health and happiness so you can have more dosh ?

you are nearly mortgage free, have no debt and live in a nice house ?

people would kill for that, these days

why don't you get a better job ?

Original poster
jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:44

hmm yes thats what i thought

I had to ask as i knew i would get an honest response from you lot Grin

OP posts:
bubblesincoffee · 10/08/2011 21:44

How selfish of you.

Does your bank account really mean more to you than your husband's health and happiness?

Do you actually love him?

BehindLockNumberNine · 10/08/2011 21:45

I think given that your mortgage is so low, let him enjoy his job. Work takes up so much of a person's life, to not enjoy it must be so so hard.

We recently moved house, doubled our mortgage and then dh lost the job he hated but which paid well. He now has a much lower paid job but with better long term prospects, a job in which he has more responsibility and which he loves. With the massive new mortgage things are very very very tight. But I would not dream of telling him to look for a job where he earns more at the cost of his job satisfaction.

I work part time (23 hours) and things are scarily tight. But dh is less frustrated with work, no longer unhappy. That counts for so much!

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/08/2011 21:46

shelly...how is he letting the family down.

between them both, they have no debt, a morgage that is almost paid off in a lovely home.

her husband is happy, if she wants extra pennies for treats then she is more than capable to look for a job with more hours

livinonaprayer · 10/08/2011 21:47

Letting his family down??? What by buying then a decent house which is now near enough mortgage free? And by wanting lower stress levels so he can be a happier healthier parent.

michglas · 10/08/2011 21:50

It really is about job satisfaction and not money. Do you want him to go back to a more stressful job he hates, if he's going to end up having a heart attack? Being in a less stressful job means he can be happy in himself and therefore much more use to the family. If you're so bothered about the money, then I suggest you go and get a full-time job.

sungirltan · 10/08/2011 21:52

sounds like he needs a break. cut him some slack and i bet he will get a better job in his own time as sounds like he kust needed a well earned breather. talk to him about in in a year or so. sounds like you have a good quality of life and not much debt so just try to enjoy having around a bit more.

TheSecondComing · 10/08/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 10/08/2011 21:53

I can kind of see your point, but you are looking at it from the wrong view - you had a deal (probably unspoken) where by you looked after all the domestic side of things, took all the 'family stress' in return for a high standard of living provided by a man who was earning a lot from a well paying job. You are keeping up your side of the deal, but he's not keeping his, but you need a new deal, not trying to force him back to the old one.

If he has less stress and more free time, then he can take on more of the domestic side of things. This would take the pressure off you, possibly to increase your hours.

BrandyAlexander · 10/08/2011 21:53

This is a wind up right? If you want a better lifestyle have some gumption and go and earn it yourself rather than pimping out your dh.

BrandyAlexander · 10/08/2011 21:53

This is a wind up right? If you want a better lifestyle have some gumption and go and earn it yourself rather than pimping out your dh.

emsies · 10/08/2011 21:53

I think most people would be over the moon to be in your position! Mortgage nearly paid off, husband in low-stress job he enjoys... nice house in nice part of town (sadly that amount wouldn't buy that in many parts of the country!)

Where's the problem? Most people are tied to a huge mortgage these days or stuggling to get on the market at all!

TheBride · 10/08/2011 21:54

YABU but he should be pulling his weight around the house.

i.e. your hours of paid work+housework should be roughly the same as his