to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

[Pootles2010]

Yes you're right, you need a middle ground. See if he can maybe think about getting a job he enjoys, but is a bit more money? Maybe something in the field he used to work in, but reduced hours?

For your part you need to work more though!

[timetoask]

I think your attitude is somewhat greedy.
Your husband has worked hard in a stressful job all these years, he has been able to provide for you well, you have a tine mortgage, nice house.
I think he really deserves to take it easy. Good on him!

[sunnydelight]

He's done his bit - you have a nice house with very little mortgage. If you want a higher standard of living why don't you work more hours? Obviously if you do you need to renegotiate the housework - I guess you doing all the house stuff is a legacy of him working long hours - but I don't see why HE should be expected to get a better paid job.

[toniguy]

Are you raising your children with your belief that it's the man's job to work his arse off, to earn the maximum possible, possibly at the expense of his mental well being? While wifey does a little part time Job and some house work?

Jesus Christ. Your poor husband.

[Bonsoir]

OP - your DH is in effect contributing much less overall to your family than he used to. You feel short changed. I think you need to discuss this with him, and work out ways in which your DH can contribute more so that you are once again on an equal footing. That might mean him doing more household and childcare chores, or getting a better paid job.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Well I agree that there is a middle ground.

And interesting about what you say about the house being kept to your DH's standards.

If he's not doing the stressful long hours any more then its only fair he does more around the house surely.

Also is your relationship generally good?

And shallowly I think I'd feel a bit fed up if suddenly the lifestyle I had changed dramatically but its up to you to decide how that can be changed. And yes if you gave up a highly paid career to do the children/house stuff and the deal was that your DH earned the money - well I don't think you're wrong in feeling a little short-changed.

So perhaps you could look into working more hours and tell DH he needs to start doing more of the childcare/house stuff and not just the garden.

[NoMoreWasabi]

"I don't work full time as it has always been agreed that i would take care of the household and i would struggle to do this to DH's standards if i had a full time job"

Well then, you need to have a little chat about roles and responsibilities. IF you're going to work more hours, which may be a good solution, he will need to take on more responsibility. "Standards" may have to drop.

Also it would be worth sitting down carefully and working our what is coming in and what is coming out and what savings can be made starting with things like the gas/electric supplies. Moneysavingexpert has lots of good things on this so you may be able to make the money go a little further.

[toniguy]

I agree you need to have an honest discussion. But it needs to be genuine honesty. For example, with your comment about doing the housework to 'his'standards, does he really demand that certain tasks are up to scratch? Or is this a self imposed Standard, which then becomes a justification for you only working part time? It's a reasonable question because some women do tend to do that. They turn the housework into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and then complain that they cant work longer hours, or in a more demanding job.

If housework is a real issue, then obviously he needs to pull his weight more with that- and you may find he's very happy to do so rather than go back to a high stress job.

I think those who are saying the 'deal' has changed are rather missing the point. The dh worked in this High stress job for 15 years. He has practically paid off the mortgage and provided a lovely lifestyle. Then he was made redundant. He didn't move the goalposts - they were moved for him. Anyone can be vulnerable to redundancy, and the ops attitude that he should just dust himself down and get back into a higher paying job to provide her with the lifestyle she wants, shows a total lack of empathy with what he's been through.

And my earlier point about the children is entirely serious. If you bear in mind that any sons and daughters being raised now are probably all going to have to pull their weight in the world of work for considerably more years than their parents... It's a good idea to raise them with realistic and fair views. If they see their Father being expected to work more hours in a tougher job, simply to enable their mother not to, thats a pretty dreadful example.

[Ephiny]

YABU. How would you feel if he wanted you to get a better paid job so he could have more money? Would you say he should get one himself? Why is there a double standard for men? It sounds like he is a bit sexist about expecting you to do all the housework and childcare (because you're a woman), but to be honest you seem just as bad in expecting him to provide you with spending money (because he's a man).

I'd much rather DP had a lower-paid but more enjoyable and less stressful job. Because I see him as my partner and companion in life, not just a convenient source of cash .

[doesthisseemright]

Can I just ask...what do you need the extra money for?

[jobnamechange]

we have a great relationship and never argue mrscampbellblack,this is the only issue between us really.

the extra money is just for lifestyle in general,i know i'll be flamed for this but we have never had to watch or think much about what we spent before and know we do,whilst dh is working in a job well below his capabilities,i should add dh has had job opportunities and has chosen to turn them down as he "doesnt want the responsibilities"

[timetoask]

what is wrong with "thinking about what you spend".
It might be a very good lesson for your children to learn actually.

[toniguy]

As your relationship is otherwise great, I think you need to accept that you have had the benefits of 15 years of your high earning husband, and you need to either adjust your lifestyle, or get yourself into higher paid work (with the responsibility and pressure which goes with it!)

It sounds like your dh is willing to adjust to a lower standard of living for the sake of his mental well being. Why should he accept more responsibility if he feels it's going to be detrimental to his health? You sound very unsympathetic tbh. I also don't see why you cant step up and earn more as you seem to be the one complaining about having less money. The housework is a lousy excuse! Many of us work full time and fit housework around it. Tbh you sound a bit spoiled by having had it good for so long.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

YABU and selfish - quality of life is far more important than earning a good wage and your DH is loving his job then stop whinging........or go out and get a really well paid job yourself!

[jobnamechange]

toniguy you are right,i know i am spoilt it's true
Dh made the monster though....

[MysteriousHamster]

Jesus, take some responsibility for yourself.

[sausagesandmarmelade]

Where do you live that you can get a large victoria house for just £270,000?
Not in London, that's for sure.

As to your predicament...
You surely wouldn't want your DH to go back to working a really stressful job?

Be grateful for what you have....and if you can't then you should go out and work longer hours. Let him look after the kids more.

[toniguy]

So you're now blaming him for having worked his guts out for 15 years and practically paying off your mortgage and giving you a nice lifestyle?

Are you sure your relationship is as good as you make out?

[AnyF]

dh made the monster ?

blimey

You sound horrible

[MarshaBrady]

Let him be happy and responsibility-free. You'll have to adjust to the lower income or be inventive with your own career.

[ImperialBlether]

There are large Victorian houses that cost less than £270,000 in tons of places, sausages.

[jobnamechange]

that was said tongue in cheek toniguy

yes we have a fantasic relationship,we never argue, we are completely on the same page for everything except this issue,share the same sense of humor,same interests etc and are considered a bit puke amongst our friends because of this

[NotDavidTennant]

OP, is it purely about the money? Or is there also an element of lost pride now that your DH has taken a lower status job?

[Ormirian]

Yes you are.

If you are coping it is entirely unreasonable to expect your DH to step back into a stressful environment when he is happier as he is. If money is that tight earn some more yourself. And make sure he takes on more of the home chores.

Family roles are not supposed to be written in stone.

[toniguy]

I'm not surprised your friends want to puke at you!