to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

[scottishmummy]

op makes it a gender issue.she quite clear she believes high earner dp needs to maintain that. unaccommodating of his new wishes/needs. if she values his mental,physical health and not just money she has to accomodate his change of prefernces

[MarshaBrady]

Chopping wood in the middle of nowhere doesn't sound like much fun, neither does being a slave to a spreadsheet or whatever accounting was being done.

[Al0uiseG]

She's had to increase her role while he has decreased his.

[scottishmummy]

people individually negotiate with partners.nothing set in stone.a strong partnership is responsive and fluid to change. in your given example of woman wants to work,and can adequately pay for good childcare..why not

[scottishmummy]

she hasnt increased her role at all,nor her 20hr week

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

well you could argue that she has increased her role by the added stress of having to make sure there is enough money at the end of the month.

[Bonsoir]

The strongest of relationships can be sorely tested by a major shift in lifestyle. People don't just sign up for "the relationship" - they sign up for a compatible lifestyle.

[scottishmummy]

stress could be alleviated by accommodating change
not dogmatically wishing to sustain a lifestyle her dp feels is onerous upon himself.but that op has grown used to

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

I am not sure how extra money is going to magically appear by "accomodating change"

[Bonsoir]

It is very morally repugnant to expect your partner to accommodate all the changes you personally desire for your own comfort without considering how those changes impact on his/her comfort.

[scottishmummy]

morally repugnant to maintain wife chi-chi lifestyle at cost to own health
op quite clear this is about money "It is the drop in money tbh,as it is a big drop"

[scottishmummy]

accommodate change

• wife get ft job.increase hours
  
• downsize if necessary.
  
• reduce outgoings.
  

dont expect dp to solely shoulder all responsibility to maintain a financial lifestyle

[Itsjustafleshwound]

He hasn't lived up to expectations and your husband has made it clear where his intentions lie.

Either deal with it (get a better paying job yourself), downgrade your expectations or, if it is the dealbreaker, trade him in.

You sound very materialistic OP

[MarshaBrady]

He's probably been waiting years to do this. Was it obvious he found it stressful? Now he can without losing the house. If someone forced me to work in a job I hated so they can spend I'd consider making a different unilateral decision.

[scottishmummy]

for richer, for poorer,in sickness and in health
ring any bells,op?

[Chandon]

OP, some of the people who are saying YABU, say this because of:
-resentment and envy (you have a mortgage free house, you should count your lucky stars)

• they dislike SAHMs (talking aobut "sitting on yer arse" "watching telly all day" and " faffing about" and "little wifey")
  

If you filter those out, still most people say YABU.

I think yanbu, in a way, but I think you both need to sit down and reassess how you are going to organise things. Would you consider working more? Could you cut down somewhere (holidays, eating out, house furnishings and other inessential costs)?

TBH, I am a SAHM, and my H is facing, quite possibly, redundancy. He says he might take a year "off" if that happens. As he has a stressful long hours job. I would go and look for a job myself (FT) if that happens. I mean, you cannot expect your life to never change, and you have to stay flexible.

[QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins]

Does your DH realise his year "off" will consist of housework and childcare if you go back to work FT? He might change his mind pretty sharpish.

[scottishmummy]

its the rigid adherence to the lifestyle and lack of listening to clear message her dp is sending

[nikos]

Where does your money go each month? Even with a lower paid job I bet you have about £2000 + coming in permonth. Out of that you will have veryittle essential outgoings if no mortgage to pay.

[Bonsoir]

The OP's DH is sending a pretty clear message that he wants to take a form of early retirement. I'm not at all sure that the OP should indulge him on this one. Not all messages are good to take on board.

[MarshaBrady]

No Chandon.
The first thing my mother says is does your dh enjoy his work. One can earn a lot and love the work. Foolish not to consider your dh's state of mind.

[MigratingCoconuts]

two things:

firstly, he may be over qualified but I always saw qualifications as opening up choice and if his choice is to work in a lower qualified job, so be it.

Second: My husband did this and then burned out. He now stays at home and cares for the kids whilst I go out to work. I know it doesn't suit everyone but it does suit us. He would earn more than me but this choice was based on life choices beyond simple money sums.

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

As someone who has recently returned to work after a few weeks out due to being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I really feel for your husband. It must be bloody hard for him to have to consider sacrificing his mental well-being because you'd like to have more money to spend. My own DH, after my recent episode, has made it very clear that if it gets too much, I shoudl resign and we'd rejig our lifestyles (I'm the main earner so the changes would be significant). THAT'S what a partnership is about - support, understanding and love. We'd have so little money left at the end of the month (if any) should I resign but that's not what it's all about.

OP, you seem quite selfish to me. Increase your own hours or find your own better paid job if you don't like your situation.

[scottishmummy]

op is greedy and prioritising chi-chi lifestyle over her dp wishes and health
and you know what they are still in advantageous position.nice house,only £1ok left on mortgage. this is hardly penury.it may require adjustment,change in lifestyle