to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

she wants a certain lifestyle.wont increase her contribution.they need more money and she expects dp to wholly shoulder this.and if children are at school then domestic chores isnt a 2day a week task. stop making excuses increase hours,share responsibilities

look,she work ft.contribute. if need be both share tasks or get a cleaner few hours.

Where has the OP stated that her DH is now working fewer hours? I have seen mention of less stress, less money, but not of fewer hours.

I think that the idea that you should both work out how many hours you work, including your housework and his gardening (which, btw, as far as DH and I are concerned, absolutely is a chore, rather than relaxation) and then see how much free time you each get. The time should be roughly equal for work and leisure time.

As far as whether you are BU to expect your DH to get another, higher paid, job, well, I think you have gathered by now that most people who have posted think you are. I agree with them. My DH has worked for the same company for many years. The expectations on the staff are constantly increasing, whilst there has been a salary freeze for around seven years now. So, even with what I earn, we struggle, but we get by. the bills are paid and we are all fed and clothed. We still have a hefty mortgage to pay, we drive an old car (around 15 years old) and we don't get away on holiday very often and never abroad since having the DCs over 20 years ago. DH could earn more money if he went to a promotion, which he knows he would get. But the added stress and worry would certainly make him ill and possibly worse. I love my DH with every fibre of my being and would rather struggle and go without financially for the next 20 or 30 years with him by my side, than to spend whatever time is left to me with a massive, or even healthy, bank balance but without him.

wow only 10k to pay off!! amazing!! Yes your DH should do a job he enjoys with so little debt round his neck. maybe he needs a bit of a career break or maybe he might like to retrain later on? why not go with the flow and let him find something that brings him happinness.

op has admitted she is spoiled and probably princessy
apparently its her dp fault
go work bit more, be a partner in true sense of word.and dont just take or have sense of entitlement of your op

Its not possible for me to work anymore hours as there are no more avalible,i have worked for the same company for a long time and have good holidays and i good package which i would be silly to give up.
Dh is far more highly qualified than myself and can earn in a hour what it would take me in a whole day!
surely it's common sense that more highly qualified in the relationship should be the main breadwinner and the less qualified should be primarily the homemaker?
To those of you that have asked there would be no way DH would agree to"switch places" anyway even if it were possible

no.partners contribute and dont retreat to stereotypical roles of
woman- pt work and bit fluff and fold
man- work ft automatic onus of provider role

its your inability to see why you should contribute, and hiding behind well hes the man...he should work. in terms of personally,cant you at least see and hear hes telling you hes not want to get into another stressful well paid job just because he did in past. having been beneficiary of his wage,its now your time to share the responsibilities and finances

you seem v entrenched in stereotypical gender roles,and frankly unwilling to contribute more.just being the wife isnt reason to not help out more

do you raise your dc with such stereotypical values
woman homemaker
man wage earner
....dear god

But he has been the main breadwinner for 15 years, provided you and thee family with a nice house and the security of a mortgage (almost) paid off and no debt. And he still is working and providing adequately for you. But you want even more, regardless of the cost to his happiness and wellbeing, so you can have more disposable income and 'never have to think about what you spend' .

Sorry but you sound greedy and selfish.

Where did i say woman homemaker,man wage earner?
I think if you re read my post i say surely the more highly qualified in the relationship should be the main earner,it just so happens in our case this happens to be the man.What you have read is not what it says at all!

do you teach those valies to your kids?
girls marry well, man provide
boys get a big dosh job and work like a dog.keep said wifie

you habitually raise gender
hes man,he earns more
dp made the monster (according to you)
and why should you have to work more
your posts are predominately about you and sense of expectation,and lifestyle you wish to maintain.by his working and to hell with his preferences

I don't know why so many posters think that the OP's DH can reduce his contribution to the household at will and that the OP should increase her share of labour to make up the shortfall. The OP and her DH had a deal (at the very least an implicit deal) about the way they shared tasks and responsibilities at home. It is not OK for either party to change the deal unilaterally.

no.life is fluid and reactive.deals change.circumstances change and one would expect a response based upon change of circumstance. something agreed back in the day isnt set in stone for ever more

Actually I would be livid if I had downsized my career to be a sahp then my husband decided he didnt want to keep furthering his career. There is plenty of time to take it easier later on. Waste of a young fit healthy persons talent. The money thing would piss me off too.

op has inability to sensitively accommodate her dp needs and preferences.hes done his tin in for 15ys.now he needs rest different direction and op unable to accommodate this. irrespective of what was agreed previously.in the here and now he is sending you a clear signal.and op doesnt want to listen

No of course it's not set in stone forever. But you have to consciously renegotiate with your partner, not just move the goal posts surreptitiously and expect him/her to suck it up, even if it leaves him/her worse off. That is dishonest and not a good way to manage relationships.

I don't think he has 'changed the deal', given that he is still working and supporting the OP. I would see her point if he was no longer earning enough to cover the essential household costs so she had to go out to work to make ends meet. But if it's just a bit of extra spending money and the rare luxury of never having to think about what she spends , then I think it's fair enough to say that if she wants that she should go out and earn it herself.

I do agree they should actually talk to each other about these things! Though to be fair we don't know that the DH did just make this decision without talking to the OP first (unless I missed that somewhere, which is quite possible...).

No I don't think we have to commit to something for someone else to be happy. The gender split is neither here nor there but the husband has disliked his role for a long time.

Better to think about whether your dh/dw is actually happy doing their career along the way. Less likely to get a shock resulting in lower earnings.

ALouiseG - I agree, and I have a friend to whom this has happened. She had breast cancer when her three children were small, and at that point her DH decided that the family should leave the rat race and set up a guest house in the south of France. Friend was reluctant, but couldn't return to corporate job herself anyway. Fast forward a few years, friend has had relapse (lung cancer) and major op/treatment but is much better, and has set up her own remote head hunting business and is very busy getting her children "normal" educational opportunities so they can pursue university/careers in line with their exceptional brains (not well served by local schools market). DH spends his days building outhouses etc. Fair? Not really. And the children think their father is a complete loser...

I can't believe I am going to say this but I agree with Bonsoir. Also if they are really penny pinching at the end of the month are they paying anything into pensions which really are quite important for the long-term.

Is the DH even aware that they are penny pinching at the end of the month or is he leaving her to deal with the stress of that whilst he enjoys his low-paid, stress free job?
It seems as if no discussion or compromise has been discussed the DH has taken the decision and that's that.

Interesting Bonsoir. I don't think it sets a brilliant example to the children either.

her dp has made it explicit what his wishes are
shes being intractibile
partners and circumstances do change.and one should be responsive to that.arguable he has demonstrably ensured a good family lifestyle as op says

In the example I quote, the father has provided a counter-example for the children (and also their mother) - none of them want to end up laying bricks/changing sheets/chopping wood in the middle of nowhere!

Out of interest, scottishmummy, if a long-term SAHM suddenly decides she wants to return to the corporate world doing a big job with 50% international mobility, do you think her DH has the right to be annoyed?