Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

AIBU?

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Ormirian · 15/08/2011 08:41

I am posting as a man for the purposes of this argument

"DW is just asitting at home all day. I am the only one earning money. I know she's happy doing this for now and much less stressed but AIBU to wish she would go back to work and earn so money so we can have the lifestyle we enjoyed before we had our DC"

I know, not an original thought, but worth making again even at the risk of winding people up.

vincettenoir · 14/08/2011 21:24

I can understand that you are concerned about how things will change so Ynbu. However I would point out that so many women have the opposite problem and wish their dp would give up their stressful job. it's worth bearing that in mind spesh as your mortgage is nearly paid off and you have the independence of your own earnings.

emsies · 14/08/2011 19:33

From her replies it looks like she's not actually that interested in any views that disagree with her own. It doesn't seem to make much impact on her that 95% of the replies think she is being unreasonable and ought to question her own values and lifestyle. She came to rant and assumed everyone would support her, and when that hasn't happened hasn't been able to step back and question her own motives/role/etc. That's a bit sad in my opinion :( Poor woman. (Glad I'm not married to her!)

That in itself says a lot and makes me wonder if the thread is worth replying to anymore!

ssd · 14/08/2011 19:29

good one there jimmy!

I'd bet this op would rather walk down Oxford Street naked than work in Macca-D's!

HeyYouJimmy · 14/08/2011 19:14

What I meant about your DC being in bed is if your DH is home to see to them while you work in the evenings.

HeyYouJimmy · 14/08/2011 19:13

Can I ask a genuine question OP? Why won't you get a job working in McDonalds for a few hours in the evening when your DC have gone to bed? After all, you don't seem to have anything to lose, do you?

Kytti · 14/08/2011 17:54

You can't care much for your husband if you want him to go into a job that might kill him and he despises. Why are you short of money? Do you like to shop? Either cut back or get a better job yourself. YABU. You need to get a grip realise there's more to life than money.

Giddly · 14/08/2011 17:27

I think you have an ideal compromise TBA. My DH was made redundant from a high stress job two years ago and we agreed he wouldn't go back as he hated it. He actually has done very little since then which particularly good for his mental health either. I work and we manage OK financially (although about a third of what we earned before), but going forward my job is not particularly secure. I'd love him to find something he enjoyed which brought us a bit more financial security, but certainly wouldn't want to go back to the days when he was stressed and hardly there even if it meant we had a lot more money.

saintlyjimjams · 14/08/2011 17:18

What would you do with the extra money?

I'd take on a bit more work myself if I was missing the money for luxuries. Buy the book Working 5-9 - lots of ideas there on making a it of extra cash without selling your soul.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 14/08/2011 17:16

My DH earns a pittance. Every day he walks through the door happy and content. His work/life balance is perfect, and the job is very rewarding.

I earn more, but HATE my job. I have, on occasion, thought how wonderful it would be for DH to earn more, but it would be purely for the selfish reason on cutting back on my own working hours.

I would infinitley rather have a happy husband on a lower income. Why don't you do more hours?

scottishmummy · 14/08/2011 17:07

i dont envy need to cling to a lifestyle and salary,
dont envy inability to step up to plate and work ft and share familial responsibility

heleninahandcart · 14/08/2011 16:49

For goodness sake. I know several women who work in higher paid, very highly stressed jobs than their DPs did. Their DPs used to have very highly paid stressful jobs and burnt out. Said DPs now stay home and do a bit of housework/childcare to older kids. The houses are slightly less chaotic than with two high flying parents but no one cares. These women had their own successful careers and never put pressure on the DPs to stay in their jobs as they could see what it was doing to them and valued them enough to want them in good health. YABVU

And before you ask, I recently gave up my high flying very stressful job as I figured as a single parent, no child support, my teen son would prefer his mother not to be a constantly snappy and miserable hariden well

toniguy · 14/08/2011 14:36

Absolutely ssd. And having the ability to grow and adapt as life changes around us is being REALISTIC, not idealistic as someone ignorantly claimed on the thread. Any decent partnership is founded on basic agreed principles, but within that framework each individual should be able to operate flexibly as long as they aren't harming the other. To assume that when you Partner someone you have a right to be provided lifelong with luxuries, even at the expense of your partners happiness- now THAT'S idealistic. And pretty sad.

kayah · 14/08/2011 14:19

Iguess the OP compares herself with those who she used to measure up to

they are getting wealthier - and she isn't
an in her eyes her dh is at fault

ssd · 14/08/2011 14:04

I don't envy the op at all either, whats to envy? A woman who acts like a child and expects everyone to agree with her sense of entitlement?

sorry, don't really see what I could envy there.....

dh and probably have a tenth of the income of the op's dh, yet we have something more valuable, we work as a team and adjust to our own and each others circumstances when things change, as inevitably they do from time to time

I don't get this idea of when you marry you both make a deal, like its something set in stone......jobs change, schooling and nursery hours change, health changes unfortunately, and partners adapt and help each other out, doing whats best for their family, not what best for THEMSELVES,

except the op doesn't want to adapt, she wants to keep her head in the clouds and her life nice and cosy and expects her dp to bend to accomodate the lifestyle she thinks she deserves, whilst not being prepared to do any of the bending herself

toniguy · 14/08/2011 08:56

Envy? Of what? Being so insecure as to rely totally on another person to provide contentment in my life? And I don't simply mean financially insecure, I mean emotionally insecure. Honestly, if this is really such a problem for the op, then I think shes got a scarily low coping capacity. God help her when real problems come knocking at their door.

So no, I don't see any resentment on the thread whatsoever. I'm sure plenty of us (me included) have significantly more mortgage left to pay off. But I see that as a joint responsibility, along with the joint adventure of raising our children, taking on all the unexpected twists and turns in life.

MarshaBrady · 14/08/2011 08:41

No, not envy because it would be hard to accept the drop but you cannot make someone else do a job for your satisfaction alone.

happygilmore · 14/08/2011 08:22

Complete agree toniguy.

happygilmore · 14/08/2011 08:18

I am not envious at all, fwiw our mortgage is nearly paid off after working hard for years - all that interests me now is good health after nearly dying and suffering a very long illness, it helps you see what is important in life!

The reason the OP has had a hard time is she asked if she was being UR - most people said yes - the OP huffed and said no I'm not.

She won't say how much they're actually earning (despite me asking a few times) as she knows she'll get a huge flaming. My bet is on £3k between them each month.

toniguy · 14/08/2011 08:08

Op - you have conveniently ignored my post which suggested that it sounds highly likely that what you have reached IS the middle ground. The high stress job which made him unhappy for 15 years, but which enabled you to all but pay off the mortgage and have all sorts of luxuries was one extreme. If your dh jacked in work completely, or insisted on some little part time job where he wasn't able to pay the bill, then that would be the other extreme. But a full time job which still meets all the outgoings PLUS allows £250 a month spare, without you having to compromise your term time only part time job AND which your DH actually likes... Sounds to the vast majority on this thread that a middle ground has been very successfully found. The only person complaining is you- because you can't just spend money without thinking any more. . Your childrens lives are unchanged - apart from perhaps no longer affording all the luxuries which, in your words, 'most people don't have'. Your DH is happy (and boy does he deserve it after 15 years of not enjoying his work).

And you STILL cant see your ludicrous sense of entitlement?

By all means sit down and tell your DH how you feel- but you don't have a leg to stand on if you are expecting him to move jobs just so you have more spending money for extras, when you aren't prepared to shift out of your comfort zone an inch.

kayah · 14/08/2011 00:03

you can retrain and get better paid job - yo uchoose not to, yet in your oppinion your dh should

hardly equal rights in this case?

and if it's true that you get on very well - you should have no problem seeing you dh's point of view

after all last 18 months must have affected both of you in many ways

toobusytofunction · 14/08/2011 00:02

It may not make me particularly popular in this crowd, but I thought it fair to offer my two-pence-worth. I don't think you are that unreasonable. A lot of people are suffering in the current financial climate, so I am hardly surprised that you have received this level of animosity, but at the same time, we each have our own lives and our own levels of and definitions of hardship.
If you have been living with a given level of income and have made commitments to live within that budget, as you may have done (kids schooling, cars, etc), a drop in income may make things a bit tough for a while. Yes, I understand that we are not talking 'tough' like living on the streets, or facing eviction, but it is still tough. If you have done everything in your life to reasonably ensure that you continue to live at a given standard- not excessively overspending or being irresponsible, and have probably made sacrifices (your career, presumably)- I can understand your concerns.
I think you probably already know what you plan to do, but just wanted some collective feedback. Your husband's health will doubtless be important to you. Don't worry about a bit of healthy verbal banter/abuse on this thread... everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they do.
Best of luck with everything and hopefully it will all work out for you.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

scottishmummy · 14/08/2011 00:00

figure things out.yes adapt or get ft job

Popbiscuit · 13/08/2011 23:58

OP I think there is a lot of resentment, jealousy and envy on this thread and that many people are not being sensible. Hope you are able to figure things out with your DH .

YouDoTheMath · 13/08/2011 23:50

You're hardly on the poverty line, are you?

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.