to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

[magicmummy1]

It never occurred to me to choose a partner on the basis of earning capacity tbh - I am quite capable of earning my own income! I therefore chose someone who I respected and loved for the person he was. Idealistic? Maybe, but it works for me!

[auroraday]

I have some sympathy. If you work 20 hours and do everything else in the home, you probably are working your nuts off. This is fine if his side of the bargain is working hard and bringing home the bacon and you share a nice lifestyle and it works for you. But if he has jacked in working hard for the easy life, while you are still working hard and carrying out your side of the deal... seems a bit harsh to me. If he is taking on more at home etc as a consequence, helping more with chores and kids, that's probably ok. But if he isn't I think you need to have a proper discussion - he should ramp up the job again or else he should do more chores and childcare so that you can!

[toniguy]

Sounds very much like the kids are school age, as the op works term time only; therefore 20 hours a week work is very little really. Housework doesn't need to take much time if you're organised. If shes complaining when she only works 20 hours with school age kids, shes got plenty of spare time to earn extra.

[rookiemater]

Argh I am so fed up with this idea that because kids are at school OP somehow has oodles of disposable time. School is roughly 9-3 factoring in drop offs in reality that means the max OP could work without using before and after school care, is 25 hours.

OP has already said she cannot increase working hours at current job. If she was to take new full time job she would probably take a drop in hourly rate and if you add that plus the wrap around care costs it is highly unlikely she will earn more, plus the available time she has to make sure house is clean and tidy and errands done is gone not to mention her DCs will be in wrap around care 5 days a week. I'm sure they would survive, but it somehow seems a bit unnecessary when her DH has the ability to earn more.

[toniguy]

They are surviving fine now. Mortgage of only 10k, 260k equity in their house, all bills being paid and putting aside £250 a month. So it seems a tad unecessary for the poor dh to be expected to give up a full time job he is enjoying for the first time in' 15 years simply to satisfy his wifes desire for more stuff.

[rookiemater]

Ok thats a fair point toniguy about the DH and the OP doesn't inspire a huge amount of sympathy for her situation but I am just getting a bit fed up because some of these posts seem to imply that part time workers just "fanny around" which does not give any credit at all for keeping a house going and the benefit to children of not having to go to wrap around care every day and be able to stay at home during the holidays. Surely these things cannot be totally worthless.

So for example when DH and I met we both did roughly the same job and earned the same amount of money. We had DS I went p/t with DH's blessing so I could spend more time with DS, I then ended up going down a grade because at my previous level even being p/t had the unwritten assumption that lots of unpaid overtime would be required and this didn't work with child care arrangements. I do most of the housework and child care and feel this is the right arrangement for our household as meanwhile DH has gone on to be a contractor and is earning significantly more. I don't think I am some sort of a sponger for this as I do just as many if not more working hours than he does, I just don't get paid for them and actually yes I probably would be pretty peeved if DH suddenly decided he was a wee bit stressed and got a job on an ice cream stall but still expected me to do everything that I do already.

[ssd]

"The bottom line is i just want us to have the best possible life we can"

op, you posted this earlier on

I think you should be more honest and write

"the bottom line is I want to have the best life possible"

lets not kid ourselves, you are looking after number one here, make no mistake about it

YABU

[jobnamechange]

utter crap ssd

[lachesis]

Doesn't sound like crap to me, jobnamechange.

But again, the majority of the posts have re-iterated what ssd said, more or less, yet you still feel this person's role is to do his tin in so you can have what you want.

[ssd]

if he's that bad, divorce him

marry a plumber, live in the real world

[jobnamechange]

I'm past explaining myself now tbh,i have stated many times in this thread that i dont want dh to return to a highly stressful job but we need to find a middle ground somewhere,you can all continue to read whatever you like into my posts,i'm past caring and lets face it you comments really are not going to affect me or my life

[porcamiseria]

"Some women happily outsource sex with their husbands to others,

thats sooo french!!!

[scottishmummy]

its your over emphasis on money/lifestyle
your posts do drip of entitlement and me me
v clear on what dp should do and change
absolutely no change or adaptation from you. wont look for another job

and yes,youre absolutely right no on here knows you.or your circumstances. BUT you have dragged your detritus across the thread....Why? Realistically what did you think would happen?its hardly school of hard knocks ,or not a dry eye in house stuff.a middle class wife gurning there not enough money,with no intention of earning more yourself.boo hoo

some folk,have no savings,negative equity,and a whole plethora of worries

your feet stamping is lil bit princessy and precious

[JustRedbin]

OP if you are actually that disinterested why did you bother to start this thread?

[MysteriousHamster]

It's not a middle ground you're after though - you want him on your ground, doing what you want, when you want it!

You have a good life. You don't have money troubles. You can still save.

What makes him obliged to give you more than that?

If you want more than that, go and earn it yourself.

[YouDoTheMath]

You're hardly on the poverty line, are you?

[Popbiscuit]

OP I think there is a lot of resentment, jealousy and envy on this thread and that many people are not being sensible. Hope you are able to figure things out with your DH .

[scottishmummy]

figure things out.yes adapt or get ft job

[toobusytofunction]

It may not make me particularly popular in this crowd, but I thought it fair to offer my two-pence-worth. I don't think you are that unreasonable. A lot of people are suffering in the current financial climate, so I am hardly surprised that you have received this level of animosity, but at the same time, we each have our own lives and our own levels of and definitions of hardship.
If you have been living with a given level of income and have made commitments to live within that budget, as you may have done (kids schooling, cars, etc), a drop in income may make things a bit tough for a while. Yes, I understand that we are not talking 'tough' like living on the streets, or facing eviction, but it is still tough. If you have done everything in your life to reasonably ensure that you continue to live at a given standard- not excessively overspending or being irresponsible, and have probably made sacrifices (your career, presumably)- I can understand your concerns.
I think you probably already know what you plan to do, but just wanted some collective feedback. Your husband's health will doubtless be important to you. Don't worry about a bit of healthy verbal banter/abuse on this thread... everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they do.
Best of luck with everything and hopefully it will all work out for you.

[kayah]

you can retrain and get better paid job - yo uchoose not to, yet in your oppinion your dh should

hardly equal rights in this case?

and if it's true that you get on very well - you should have no problem seeing you dh's point of view

after all last 18 months must have affected both of you in many ways

[toniguy]

Op - you have conveniently ignored my post which suggested that it sounds highly likely that what you have reached IS the middle ground. The high stress job which made him unhappy for 15 years, but which enabled you to all but pay off the mortgage and have all sorts of luxuries was one extreme. If your dh jacked in work completely, or insisted on some little part time job where he wasn't able to pay the bill, then that would be the other extreme. But a full time job which still meets all the outgoings PLUS allows £250 a month spare, without you having to compromise your term time only part time job AND which your DH actually likes... Sounds to the vast majority on this thread that a middle ground has been very successfully found. The only person complaining is you- because you can't just spend money without thinking any more. . Your childrens lives are unchanged - apart from perhaps no longer affording all the luxuries which, in your words, 'most people don't have'. Your DH is happy (and boy does he deserve it after 15 years of not enjoying his work).

And you STILL cant see your ludicrous sense of entitlement?

By all means sit down and tell your DH how you feel- but you don't have a leg to stand on if you are expecting him to move jobs just so you have more spending money for extras, when you aren't prepared to shift out of your comfort zone an inch.

[happygilmore]

I am not envious at all, fwiw our mortgage is nearly paid off after working hard for years - all that interests me now is good health after nearly dying and suffering a very long illness, it helps you see what is important in life!

The reason the OP has had a hard time is she asked if she was being UR - most people said yes - the OP huffed and said no I'm not.

She won't say how much they're actually earning (despite me asking a few times) as she knows she'll get a huge flaming. My bet is on £3k between them each month.

[happygilmore]

Complete agree toniguy.

[MarshaBrady]

No, not envy because it would be hard to accept the drop but you cannot make someone else do a job for your satisfaction alone.

[toniguy]

Envy? Of what? Being so insecure as to rely totally on another person to provide contentment in my life? And I don't simply mean financially insecure, I mean emotionally insecure. Honestly, if this is really such a problem for the op, then I think shes got a scarily low coping capacity. God help her when real problems come knocking at their door.

So no, I don't see any resentment on the thread whatsoever. I'm sure plenty of us (me included) have significantly more mortgage left to pay off. But I see that as a joint responsibility, along with the joint adventure of raising our children, taking on all the unexpected twists and turns in life.