to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

[ssd]

I don't envy the op at all either, whats to envy? A woman who acts like a child and expects everyone to agree with her sense of entitlement?

sorry, don't really see what I could envy there.....

dh and probably have a tenth of the income of the op's dh, yet we have something more valuable, we work as a team and adjust to our own and each others circumstances when things change, as inevitably they do from time to time

I don't get this idea of when you marry you both make a deal, like its something set in stone......jobs change, schooling and nursery hours change, health changes unfortunately, and partners adapt and help each other out, doing whats best for their family, not what best for THEMSELVES,

except the op doesn't want to adapt, she wants to keep her head in the clouds and her life nice and cosy and expects her dp to bend to accomodate the lifestyle she thinks she deserves, whilst not being prepared to do any of the bending herself

[kayah]

Iguess the OP compares herself with those who she used to measure up to

they are getting wealthier - and she isn't
an in her eyes her dh is at fault

[toniguy]

Absolutely ssd. And having the ability to grow and adapt as life changes around us is being REALISTIC, not idealistic as someone ignorantly claimed on the thread. Any decent partnership is founded on basic agreed principles, but within that framework each individual should be able to operate flexibly as long as they aren't harming the other. To assume that when you Partner someone you have a right to be provided lifelong with luxuries, even at the expense of your partners happiness- now THAT'S idealistic. And pretty sad.

[heleninahandcart]

For goodness sake. I know several women who work in higher paid, very highly stressed jobs than their DPs did. Their DPs used to have very highly paid stressful jobs and burnt out. Said DPs now stay home and do a bit of housework/childcare to older kids. The houses are slightly less chaotic than with two high flying parents but no one cares. These women had their own successful careers and never put pressure on the DPs to stay in their jobs as they could see what it was doing to them and valued them enough to want them in good health. YABVU

And before you ask, I recently gave up my high flying very stressful job as I figured as a single parent, no child support, my teen son would prefer his mother not to be a constantly snappy and miserable hariden well

[scottishmummy]

i dont envy need to cling to a lifestyle and salary,
dont envy inability to step up to plate and work ft and share familial responsibility

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

My DH earns a pittance. Every day he walks through the door happy and content. His work/life balance is perfect, and the job is very rewarding.

I earn more, but HATE my job. I have, on occasion, thought how wonderful it would be for DH to earn more, but it would be purely for the selfish reason on cutting back on my own working hours.

I would infinitley rather have a happy husband on a lower income. Why don't you do more hours?

[saintlyjimjams]

What would you do with the extra money?

I'd take on a bit more work myself if I was missing the money for luxuries. Buy the book Working 5-9 - lots of ideas there on making a it of extra cash without selling your soul.

[Giddly]

I think you have an ideal compromise TBA. My DH was made redundant from a high stress job two years ago and we agreed he wouldn't go back as he hated it. He actually has done very little since then which particularly good for his mental health either. I work and we manage OK financially (although about a third of what we earned before), but going forward my job is not particularly secure. I'd love him to find something he enjoyed which brought us a bit more financial security, but certainly wouldn't want to go back to the days when he was stressed and hardly there even if it meant we had a lot more money.

[Kytti]

You can't care much for your husband if you want him to go into a job that might kill him and he despises. Why are you short of money? Do you like to shop? Either cut back or get a better job yourself. YABU. You need to get a grip realise there's more to life than money.

[HeyYouJimmy]

Can I ask a genuine question OP? Why won't you get a job working in McDonalds for a few hours in the evening when your DC have gone to bed? After all, you don't seem to have anything to lose, do you?

[HeyYouJimmy]

What I meant about your DC being in bed is if your DH is home to see to them while you work in the evenings.

[ssd]

good one there jimmy!

I'd bet this op would rather walk down Oxford Street naked than work in Macca-D's!

[emsies]

From her replies it looks like she's not actually that interested in any views that disagree with her own. It doesn't seem to make much impact on her that 95% of the replies think she is being unreasonable and ought to question her own values and lifestyle. She came to rant and assumed everyone would support her, and when that hasn't happened hasn't been able to step back and question her own motives/role/etc. That's a bit sad in my opinion :( Poor woman. (Glad I'm not married to her!)

That in itself says a lot and makes me wonder if the thread is worth replying to anymore!

[vincettenoir]

I can understand that you are concerned about how things will change so Ynbu. However I would point out that so many women have the opposite problem and wish their dp would give up their stressful job. it's worth bearing that in mind spesh as your mortgage is nearly paid off and you have the independence of your own earnings.

[Ormirian]

I am posting as a man for the purposes of this argument


"DW is just asitting at home all day. I am the only one earning money. I know she's happy doing this for now and much less stressed but AIBU to wish she would go back to work and earn so money so we can have the lifestyle we enjoyed before we had our DC"

I know, not an original thought, but worth making again even at the risk of winding people up.