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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
encyclogirl · 11/08/2011 13:09

OP can you talk a bit about why you can't go fulltiime? It's the obvious solution if you want more stuff.

Countingwiththecount · 11/08/2011 13:24

YANBU. You did not agree to sacrifice your career, freedom and earning potential in order to make your DH's life comfortable and raise (both) your children only to end up penny pinching.

I KNOW you're not exactly hard up compared to a lot of people but between twenty hours of paid work plus the average twenty six hours (probably more due to these 'standards) you're working a comparable number of hours to a 'stressful' job.

You wouldn't put your feet up on your two days off and just watch the telly because it's 'less stressful'.

I'd just like to point out that at no stage did the OP state that her husband had been suffering a mental illness due to stress. She is not suggesting her husband suffer.

Countingwiththecount · 11/08/2011 13:26

encyclogirl, OP looks after the house. Cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying, organising, driving kids here and there, cleaning, cleaning and cleaning take up a substantial amount of time. I feel you're all being a bit harsh here. :(

toniguy · 11/08/2011 13:45

Oh come on, plenty of people manage to shop, cook, clean and ferry their kids around while working full time! These things expand to fit the time available. If you convince yourself you can only work 20 hours because of housework, then thats exactly what you'll do. If you work full time, you'd still fit these things in- you just manage your time better. Smile

As for the op sacrificing her career to allow her husband to flourish- blimey, where did I miss that in the thread?! From what the op says, her dh had a very demanding job where he carried a lot of responsibility which made him unhappy and stressed out. I'm sure he'd have been more than happy to trade places with the op- but clearly she wasn't having any of that!!

happygilmore · 11/08/2011 13:53

Why don't you work more and he do more round the house then? That seems the obvious answer if you want more disposable income.

encyclogirl · 11/08/2011 14:04

Counting, if she was fulltime then obviously the household tasks would need to be shared out more equitably. I'm trying to establish if she's prepared to go fulltime. That part hasn't been addressed yet.

harassedandherbug · 11/08/2011 14:05

Blimey.......

My dh did this. Jacked in a great job, regular good salary, company car etc and is now a roofer. Yes we're worse off and as he's self employed never knows how much money he has coming in from one month to the next, but he's happy! He's not stressed, he doesn't look ill. It's worth it purely for this.

I'm stuck in a well paid but stressful job that I hate (mat leave in Dec thank god) and I can tell you it's bloody awful!

I don't blame your dh one little bit, and think you're coming across as selfish and precious.

teacherwith2kids · 11/08/2011 14:09

You have various options available to you:

  • You could create a budget, and live happily within your current income.
  • You could ask your husband to spend some of the hours he is no longer working doing some household chores, so that you feel less burdened by those - ie you both get to share his improved quality of life.
  • Your husband could take on more household chores, you could use the extra hours you gain by working more to earn extra money, so your household income rises.
  • You could work more hours, and employ a cleaner or a childminder or both. This would raise your household income less, but might make you feel more 'equal' - you both work to bring in money, you jointly pay for the 'services' that mean you need, and the remaining money is available for everyone to share.
  • You could ask your husband to seek better paid employment (you have noticed that there is a recession, haven't you?) so that your life remains exactly as it has always been.
lachesis · 11/08/2011 14:14

YABU.

Ormirian · 11/08/2011 14:16

Don't underestimate the demands a stressful job they don't enjoy make on someone. It is soul-destroying. If you thrive under stress it's fine, if you don't. it's shit! And if he's done it for years perhaps it's time for a break.

So if money is a big problem for you:

  1. get a better job yourself - full-time perhaps.
  2. Share out the home chores between you better.
  3. Stop thinking that because he was the main earner and you were the home-maker, that that has to be the way it always will be. Life changes. People need to be flexible.
teacherwith2kids · 11/08/2011 14:17

I should have said at the end of my post that it should be pretty obvious that the last of the 5 options should be the very last one you should be considering - have you tried all the other 4?

Of course YABU.

doesthisseemright · 11/08/2011 14:19

I work three days. I also pay for the household expenses and do all the house hold duties. Its not ghard in those hours - in fact i have plenty of time to run my own business as well. (yes I have a dh) My husband also works.

FakePlasticTrees · 11/08/2011 14:57

I've been thinking about this again, and it does really depend on how close to the bone the new budget is cut. If you aren't able to save, then long term how sustainable is this? If you don't have good pensions, where does this leave you?

You need to sit down and sort out a budget that includes savings and pensions (how about working on the principle it'll be about £50k to send each DC to uni, could you save enough to let them leave without massive debts? that might focus his mind somewhat).

How many years are left on your mortgage? I'd expect to be mortgage free in just over a year if it was only £10k left on mine, that extra money each month could be saved.

Also you need to budget the free time, if you've sacrificed your personal time to keep the house/DCs/general family stuff done, then you need to re-balance.

Also, if you have been traditional wife and mother and not thought about your career, is there anything you'd like to do? He shouldn't be the only one to get personal fulfillment. If he expects you to accept a lower lifestyle so he can be happy, then he should be prepared to support you in pursuing whatever interests you.

gallicgirl · 11/08/2011 15:04

I would say 18 months isn't a long time to "recover" from a stressful unfulfilling job.

Does your DH have the type of skills that would allow him to do some free-lance or consultancy work? that way he could work extra when you have something specific to save for like a new car or a fancy holiday.

Alternatively, maybe a career change would give him a fresh impetus.

scottishmummy · 11/08/2011 20:14

you need tio step up to the plate,your fafing about and expecting your dp to be majority wage earner. partners help each other out,share family responsibilities

your relationship is only old fashioned because you both allow it to be so.except now your dp is clearly telling you time fpr a change- except your too comfortable and wont do it.

if a gender roles reversed and woman posted about her stressful job and dh reluctant to contribute people would say pull finger out

lachesis · 11/08/2011 20:22

He's been carrying this load for 15 years. And now, if he wants the house cleaned to his 'standards', he can either start pitching in or hire someone in whilst you work FT.

scarlettsmummy2 · 11/08/2011 20:26

Haven't read all the posts, but my first reaction was to tell you to work a bit harder yourself if you want more money. I really don't get this attitude of it is the husbands job to provide a nice lifestyle, if you want something more than he can provide, go out and do it yourself.

Tortington · 11/08/2011 20:27

GET YOUR OWN HIGH PAYING JOB STEW PID

scottishmummy · 11/08/2011 20:38

its a bizzare sense of entitlement to expect your dp shoulder all the hassle,do his tin in,for you.so you can be lady who works and faffs

mizu · 11/08/2011 20:45

YABU. Nearly mortgage free? Good lord do you know how lucky you are? We can't even get on the ladder and we are nearly 40, saving for a deposit is taking years.

pointythings · 11/08/2011 20:49

I think YABU. Your DH has done 15 years in the salt mines to give you a lovely home that is nearly all yours, and you've admitted that you're worried about not being able to spend without thinking about it? Well, welcome to the world, this is how most of us live.

Having said that, you do need to look at changing the balance of who does what in your household - so if you want more money and start working more hours, then your DH will have to do more, or accept that standards are no longer going to be as high.

On a more serious level, you both need to look at the 'roles' you both perceive yourselves and the other as having in the home - that is, him the wage earner, you the home maker - this has now changed and you both need to accept that and make those changes work.

FWIW I am living in a marriage of equals - we earn about the same, neither of us is a mad high flyer but between us we have a very good household income, and you know what? We also share the housework, the childcare, the responsibility for money, insurance and so on. You shoudl try it, you might like it.

fluffywhitekittens · 11/08/2011 22:07

I think it depends on how old your dc are and how tight money is now.
It's all very well telling op to get out and earn more but if dh's earning potential is higher and he would not be prepared to take over the childcare and housework then it doesn't seem as if she is being that unreasonable.

scottishmummy · 11/08/2011 22:25

of course it unreasonable to not share contribution and expect dp shoulder financial responsibility but not put self out.just because she doesnt want to make any adjustment.but expects her dp to take on another stressful job,to maintain her preferred lifestyle

its more useful to increase working hours,put more money in pot.share financial responsibilities with dp. fluff and fold and pt work and maintain staus quo may be op preferred role,but isnt a financial contribution and isnt actually adding anything

whereas to increase to say Ft is extra 17.5 hours and both share domestic tasks. less onerous on one person

fluffywhitekittens · 11/08/2011 22:37

So maybe op should have asked AIBU to expect dp to take a more active role with the housework/childcare as he has downsized his job?

honeymom · 11/08/2011 22:40

Life's not always about the money. Id rather enjoy my Job. If things are tight then I bet there are other areas you could cut back on. But I would ask your dh to help out more around the house