to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

[LareyLaptopLover]

its not all about money

what about health, happiness and peace of mind

[NonnoMum]

I think you've had a bit of a hard time, OP.

What has changed is the shift in your relationship, and you are also feeling that all that you are doing and have done (majority of childcare and housework) is now going by a bit unnoticed.

Instead of focussing on the money aspect of it, why don't you sit down and talk about how you both feel in the shift in your relationship?

Ask him if he would be happy to do all the day to day child chivvying etc if you became more ambitious and explored your own career?

[acatcalledfelix]

To be kind to the OP, I think she's pissed off that she's still stuck with all the drudgery (chores etc) whilst her husband has got himself a nice work / life balance.

As FPT said, you need a new deal, but it shouldn't necesserily push him back into a stressful job. You need to sit down and talk about it calmly.

[ravenAK]

I think you need to discuss it. If your 'deal' has always been that he earns & you do the home & kids stuff, then I suppose that I can understand that you aren't happy that he's unilaterallly downsized the lifestyle - OK, initially via redundancy, but it sounds as though he's happy with the change & you aren't.

Equally, if I were your dh I'd probably tell you that I'd done my bit, by working hard all these years & paying off the thumping great mortgage, & it was your turn to go out & work for the extras.

Ultimately, you can't expect him to go back to a workstyle that he obviously doesn't want, when you aren't in financial need & (if?) you aren't prepared to consider working ft yourself instead.

[footballmum]

I had a full-time, very stressful job which I left for a part-time, far less stressful job (albeit in the same profession). The effect on our family has been profound and I truly believe it has saved my marriage. Money's a bit tighter but so what? I'll happily sacrifice a few luxuries for the sense of peace and happiness it's given me. So yes. YABU. The amount you earn does not equate to a better quality of life unless you are very superficial.

[porcamiseria]

sorry , yabu! I am the sole breadwinner and my job is stressful, we would love to be in your scenario, as we STILL are skint and have small house, ie I have exec stress and not the lifestyle! you are very lucky

[scottishmummy]

you need to contribute more,not expect him to shoulder all responsibility.you want to faff about with housewifery and garden,not priorities
.at all,you are being v selfish

[Deflatedballoonbelly]

I would eat my own eyeball for what you have described!

YABVVVU!

[hifi]

poor fucking bloke

[jobnamechange]

It really isnt that i would happily let dh go back to a stressful job,he really is alot better in himself now.
It is the drop in money tbh,as it is a big drop,but also the waste of dh's qualifications.I have talked a little about this with him however he says he isnt bothered if he never uses them again! so i guess i will just have to respect that

[fluffyhands]

I think people are being a bit harsh on you. Short-term your situation seems ok but long-term you might run into financial problems

If money is tight at the end of the month that implies that you aren't saving very much. Assuming that neither of you has a great pension or are going to inherit, then if you aren't saving money then what are you going to live on in retirement?

Clearly your DH's health and happiness is important. However, he may not be very happy when he retires and find his standard of living drops dramatically.

A compromise is necessary. Both of you should attempt to find better paid jobs, subject to not making either of your lives a misery.

[clueless1]

Yabu. You want more money? Go out and earn it.

[oldraver]

You get a full time/better paid job and all household chores and childcare are SHARED. With his much less stressfull job it should be easy for your DH.

[niceguy2]

It is the drop in money tbh bingo.

YABVU. Your husband has worked his arse off for the last 15 years in a stressful job and you already have the luxury of barely having any mortgage way before many many others. He's now decided to take a step back as he grows older and enjoy his life rather than slog his guts out just so YOU can have a few nicer things you've grown accustomed to?

And you have to ask if YOU are being unreasonable!?!?! Seriously!?!? Is your moral compass really so skewed?

I guess if he had a stressful job again and died because of it you'd be ok as long as he had decent life insurance yes?

[rainbowtoenails]

It depends...

On his old/new income
Your outgoings
Things you cant afford now
How old your dcs are
What they think about it
Why dp isnt sharing chores and ccare
How much you earn
Why you dont work ft
How old/close to retirement you are and how big a pension you have

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, I know you said "It is the drop in money tbh" but can I just ask this anyway because I am endlessly nosy and cynical

You describe your marriage as old-fashioned, with you doing all the housework, his input being the garden (which most people do as a pleasurable hobby rather than a chore). Now, I'd imagine that such an arrangement, if the husband was working long hours and both of you thus ended up with roughly equivalent leisure time, would feel fair. But I'd also imagine that if the husband's working hours dropped considerably, so that he had substantially more leisure time than his wife, that it would not feel fair.

So I guess what I'm asking is - is it really just the money? Or would you also like to share the less stressful lifestyle by rebalancing the domestic input to a more equal distribution?

[CRS]

Can we swap lives, OP? PLEASE!

[FreudianSlipper]

oh dear can't you keep up with the joneses anymore

yabvu

[jobnamechange]

thanks for all your views,its been interesting for me to hear them
I think i probably am being unreasonable in some respects,however i find it really hard to believe that some of you wouldnt be a bit put out if your high earning husband decided he now wanted to take a much lower paid job.
I don't think you are being entirely honest with yourselves.
Yes it's his choice but imagine how you would really feel?
For those of you who have asked we are nowhere near retirement age,dh worked for the same company from a really young age and worked his way up,I don't work full time as it has always been agreed that i would take care of the household and i would struggle to do this to DH's standards if i had a full time job.

[BehindLockNumberNine]

job, I would be lying if I said I did not want dh to have a better paid job. But I do not want him to have a better paid job if it comes with unbearable stress and unhappyness.

What I want for dh - a well paid job that makes him happy - does not exist. So being realistic, the choice is a lesser paid job with prospects and job satisfaction or a higher paid job with stresses and no job satisfaction.
Based on those choices I truly want dh to have the lesser paid job.

But yes, extra money would be great, but at what cost...

[jobnamechange]

I wouldnt want dh to go back to what he was doing before,however i think there needs to be a middle ground somewhere

[cwtch4967]

A happy healthy husband is better than a stressed out overworked one!

[lady007pink]

OP, I'm so pleased your DH has taken on a less stressful job albeit for low pay.
My DH works in a stressful job which once paid well, but he had to take a big wage cut due to the economic downturn (We're in Ireland). Either that or lose his job - and getting another job is like finding hen's teeth.

Like you, I work 21 hours a week but I've taken a series of wage cuts in the past 3 years (I'm a public service worker).

So we are down lots on our wages and have had to make a lot of cutbacks, but we still have the same stress levels and work the same hours!

[senua]

I understand what you mean about middle-ground.

You say that DH has only worked for the one company all his life: is the job really that stressful or is it just the way that they do it? Wouldn't he consider trying out the same job but different employer? Or using his transferrable skills in a similar role? He does seem to be retreating from the world instead of embracing the change.

[pleasekeepcalmandcarryon]

I understand where the OP is coming from. My DH has a well paid but at times stressfull job. The long hours mean he has never been able to share childcare, housework or other family stuff.

Because of this I gave up my well paid job a few years ago to be more or less a SAHM (I run a small business now which allows me to work about 12hrs per week).

If he was to take a lower paid job on one hand it would be nice to have him around more and share some of the care/housework but equally I would feel a bit annoyed as I have sacrificed quite a bit in terms of career attainment etc... to support him progressing his career.

Ultimately someones health, mental or physical, is more important but I can see why the OP feels the way she does. Maybe she could look at retraining or starting a new career of her own now that her DH can do more domestic stuff.