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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scatty or rude?

16 replies

Moulesfrites · 10/08/2011 09:31

I am getting a bit fed up with a friend of mine and am wondering if iabu about it. She admits herself that she is a little "scatty" and her disorganisation is a running joke, but nw I am beginning to think she is just rude.

For example, we had arranged to meet for lunch on Monday and she text when I was on my way saying she would be an hour late as she had got caught up somewhere. I am always the first one to arrive when we meet and I have a 6 mo ds!

She got mixed up with the dates for my ds's christening so didn't come in the end, and every Christmas, birthday, other occasion she has text me asking for my address - I must have told her it 10 times - FFs get an address book woman! aibu to think she needs to stop playing the "ditzy" card and getbherself organised?

OP posts:

G1nger · 10/08/2011 09:42

For her next birthday/Christmas, buy her an address book (with your address written in it, and any other shared friends) and a diary.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/08/2011 09:47

A lot of people use 'ditzy' as an excuse not to take responsibility for anything. Next time you arrange to meet, turn the tables and arrive at least 30 minutes late. If on the offchance she's actually on time it might make her realise that she's got to start stepping up a bit more.

MotherMucca · 10/08/2011 10:07

I am the same as your friend. I never, ever, ever intend to be late, or get lost, or forget days. Somehow it just happens. I am aware that it must piss people off and I don't have a "my time is more important than yours" attitude.

I am a daydreamer and easily distracted. I am slow at getting stuff done, particularly in the mornings.

Can you talk to your friend about this?

DontGoCurly · 10/08/2011 10:30

Oh. My. God.

She would drive me crazy. It is totally rude. Ditzy, my arse. The problem with these people is they don't really value other peoples time as being as important as their own.

She left you wait an hour because she 'got caught up somewhere' ARGH !!

How arrogant. How selfish. The other thing about these people is when you do the same on them they become incandescant. It's totally hypocritical.

ChitChattingaway · 10/08/2011 10:37

Arrange to meet with her at a certain time, for a period of time. Eg, 12.30 for lunch for 1 hour.

Then get there, order your lunch, and LEAVE at the alloted time, regardless of what time she gets there. (You might want to take some reading material with you though!!!)

Better yet, arrange to see her AND another friend at the same time, and then you and the other friend can start without her so at leats you get to have a good time.

joric · 10/08/2011 11:04

I arrange to see a friend at least 30/45 min BEFORE I actually would like to meet her/ for her to come over.

She ALWAYS phones to say she'll be late by half an hour or so.

Me: (booked table/ cinema start time 1.30pm) ARRANGE to meet at 1pm

Friend: doesn't make 1pm meet up - arrives at 1.30pm
Everyone happy!

Pandemoniaa · 10/08/2011 11:09

I find "ditzy" an extremely aggravating excuse for what is often sheer selfishness and deliberate disengagement from common courtesy.

Everyone has their moments of unreliability but what sets the truly self-centred apart is the way they expect everyone else to cope for them. So no, OP, YANBU.

viewsrequired · 10/08/2011 21:06

I think YABU as I am like this - I wouldn't describe myself as ditsy at all but there seems to be just so much in life to organise that sometimes I drop the ball! Do people really have address books any more?? I really am not being rude or selfish at all - I have good intentions, but somehow you just can't be in five different places or organise 30 things all at once!

babycham42 · 10/08/2011 21:09

If she has a lot of balls to juggle I"ll go with scatty - if not,rude.

Earlybird · 10/08/2011 21:10

Take a step back. See her only as part of a group, so that if/when she is late, you're not stuck waiting.

Or always arrange to go to hers (and bring food, wine, etc).

LoveInAColdClimate · 10/08/2011 21:19

YANBU. She is being rude and disrespectful. Very much like the idea of buying her a diary and an address book. I am punctual and organised because I take the time to write things down and then religiously check my diary and calendar - that's the only difference between organised and rude "scatty". And yes, viewsrequired, of course people still have address books, how else do you send birthday and Christmas cards to the right place?

LoveInAColdClimate · 10/08/2011 21:22

Oh, and the point of a diary is so that you don't end up having to be in five places at once .

It especially annoys me when people can be organised at work but can't turn up for supper on time... just apply the same principles you use in the office .

Joolyjoolyjoo · 10/08/2011 21:28

I am scatty Even with a calander, a filofax and appointments on my phone.

A couple of weeks ago, dd2 had a party to go to. I always text back promptly to say yes/no (do I at least get a brownie point for that??!) On the Thursday I went out and bought a present for the wee boy (after consultation with dd2) On the day of the party, I was working in the morning, then had all 3 dc to dentist, then party 1 hr later. Anxious to get to dentist on time, as missed last appt (for the first time ever- renovating new business, lost track of time), got there fine, came home, wrapped present, looked out outfit for dd, then DH arrived home with new swing/ climbing frame thing, which caused much excitement, then dad came over.....2 hours later realised with horror had missed party Texted and apologised profusely. Could have kicked myself, but it really wasn't deliberate, and I felt really bad.

So maybe your friend is just a bit scatty too. Does she seem genuinely apologetic or is it taken for granted that she will be late/ not show? That would be the difference for me. But then, I am not one to talk!

superjobee · 10/08/2011 21:30

i can be a bit late now and again nothing too bad i get it from my mum who - i need to lie to about times i need her to rarely babysit or meet in town or even when to come up for her tea by at least 2/3 hours!!! she's 45 so i doubt she'll be changing anytime soon ..

MrsBloomingTroll · 10/08/2011 21:32

Does she have an iPhone? Can you use the calendar to send her reminders?

limitedperiodonly · 10/08/2011 22:32

I don't believe in that stuff about people like her not respecting you or being rude or not valuing your time.

It's been rehearsed here before and this thread might get long. But honestly, she truly doesn't get it.

So if she annoys you, but you like her, arrange to meet her with friends. If she really angers you then drop her.

But don't try to organise her or teach her a lesson because the only person it will bother is you.

I have a friend like this. We don't meet alone any more because she's so unreliable. That's my decision. No point consulting her because she's insist she'd be on time this time and believe it right up until the moment she arrived two hours late.

We spoke about 10 days ago over some work. I emailed her and she contacted me almost straight away and apologised for being 'crap at keeping in touch'. She promised to get back to me over the work but I've heard nothing.

It was disappointing but really not personal. She does it to everyone.

Before that happened it was her birthday and she sent out a last-minute blanket invitation to a haphazard party. I didn't reply and felt a bit bad about it but i've no need to.

I speak as a reasonably-reformed habitual latecomer. Maybe I keep her around not only because I like her, but because she makes me feel efficient.

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