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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too soon?

23 replies

Kayano · 05/08/2011 11:28

Friends wife cheated on him an left him less than 2 weeks ago and he is devastated. They have 2 kids 9 and 5. He has moved in with us and had the kids all last week.

She has had them this week and is now talking about introducing the kids to her 'friend'. My friend is gutted and Inc concerned. He has never met this guy and the mother has only met him twice and slept with him both times and sent explicit pics online etc.

I'm shocked she would think this is ok. Friend asked she not introduce them so soon as this guy broke up a family and it's too soon for the kids.

She says it's fine. I'm not getting involved but I agree that it's too soon.

Would really appreciate some honest opinions

OP posts:
Groovee · 05/08/2011 11:31

For me if I was to meet a new partner, I wouldn't be in a rush to introduce my children for quite some time. I have seen children who get a new "daddy" constantly and it's hard.

Original poster
Kayano · 05/08/2011 11:33

That's my concern. I'm worried that she isn't thinking of them, they have barely had time to adjust to the breakup let alone this

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 05/08/2011 11:35

I think that's way too soon, most people I know don't introduce their kids to any potential new partner for months, and it's not fair on them when they've just had all this upheaval to deal with anyway :(

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2011 11:36

I would say it's too soon, the poor DC, they must be really confused.

Who did she send the pictures to? Is she having a breakdown or something?

Dishing out explicit pictures online isn't 'normal' behaviour is it?

Sounds a bit weird.

UpsyDozy · 05/08/2011 11:38

This sounds bloody weird to me. Why is she suddenly behaving this way?? She's only met him twice in her life? And she's left her husband for him?

All sounds a bit unhinged.

ihatecbeebies · 05/08/2011 11:38

I think it is far too soon for the children. I wouldn't even consider letting them meet a new partner for a number of months, and their parents have just split up it isn't fair imo.

bubblesincoffee · 05/08/2011 11:40

Of course it's too soon, this Mother is simply being selfish.

When dh and I got together, my children had met him loads of times before because he was a friend. We still managed to wait nearly six months before the dc were told we were together, until we knew for certain that the relationship was a keeper.

Before that I had a boyfriend for two years, but as I knew it was never going to turn into marriage material, my children never met him. Yes it was hard, but that's what parents do! Kids come first.

Original poster
Kayano · 05/08/2011 11:41

They broke up because he found out she was having an online relationship with anther man. Se then left him and blamed him! She then went to spend a week with they guy , when friend had kids - she told him she was at a 'do' and got found out

Now he is coming to visit her for a week and wants to introduce them to the bairns! I hope she doesn't, this guy apparently trawls online for women but she won't listen

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Original poster
Kayano · 05/08/2011 11:43

Upsy she has had mental health issues in the past and apparently has not took her meds for a while. I dont know that for certain though... Another reason to worry

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 05/08/2011 11:44

This is worrying behaviour from the mother and I'd be concerned about her.

More concerned about the children though, as this is far too much to take in in such a short space of time Sad Poor things, they must be exhausted trying to keep up.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 05/08/2011 11:45

YANBU! Dear god, what this is woman thinking?! He could be bloody anyone! She's only met him twice herself, doubtful she knows all that much about him and she wants her kids to meet him? She's playing with fire imo. Hope your friend can put a stop to it asap, whatever it takes. The whole set up rings alarm bells to me.

DogsBestFriend · 05/08/2011 12:04

The simple answer is for the father to have the DC "for a few days" Wink as soon as possible and to refuse to allow them back into the mother's "care" or to allow her unsupervised access to the children.

Why is he leaving his kids with this woman given that she is not taking meds when she should be doing so and that she is risking damaging their children?

fluffygal · 05/08/2011 12:07

YANBU. When OH broke up with his ex, she kicked him out and moved the new fella in TWO DAYS later. She had also kicked their two boys out with him too though (4 months and 15 months at the time), and only saw them sporadically so although new fella (now ex-husband) was introduced from the very beginning she was too busy with him to see the kids.

Tell him to get himself to court and get an emergency residency order if he is seriously worried about their safety snd has PR. But if its just that its too early, he won't really have a case.

Dozer · 05/08/2011 12:10

Legal advice.

mrsbiscuits · 05/08/2011 12:11

Either she has actually been seeing this guy for a lot longer than she has been making out or she is completely unhinged. Personally I would have to be considering a long term relationship and have been seeing someone for several months before introducing my kids to them!

WilsonFrickett · 05/08/2011 12:16

She's putting herself in potential danger IMO and she sure as hell shouldn't be exposing the kids to risk like this. Guy off the internet could be anyone, could even be targetting the woman to access her kids. Sorry, not pleasant but it does happen. I think the husband needs to take legal advice. Is there someone who could speak to her (you?) along the lines of 'it's too soon' - I get the feeling the more the ExP says 'no' the more she is going to push him.

Dozer · 05/08/2011 12:17

Dogsbestfriend's approach sounds promising.

nenevomito · 05/08/2011 12:22

Yes, absolutely too soon.

The children have to come to terms with what is going on here as well as the adults and it isn't right to introduce anyone new into their lives at this point.

LineRunner · 05/08/2011 12:23

I think that people who have caused a massive amount of hurt often try to justify what they've done by giving the 'new relationship' a significance it doesn't really have.

So the guilty party suddenly decides that their DCs must meet the new 'partner', for example.

I think it's far too soon; and I would say that even if the situation didn't sound so messy and so deranged, which it does.

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 12:31

That's not fair on the children, the are emotionally raw right now.

CurrySpice · 05/08/2011 13:26

Ooof it's waaaaaaay too soon and, although I'm normally a parnoid type, I think wilsonfrickett has a point

UpsyDozy · 05/08/2011 19:08

Gosh, if she should be on medication and isn't taking it any more then that is definitely a reason to worry. Agree with the posters saying that the H needs to get some legal advice, is he still staying with you?

How are they financially? If he needs to remove the kids are you ok for them to stay with you for example? Would he be able to afford to arrange something for them?

Very scary situation for the children, you are absolutely right to be worried OP.

Original poster
Kayano · 05/08/2011 20:13

Im 13 weeks pg and very stressed. Friend just moved into a family members house while he gets on his feet. There is really no room for the kids and although I tried to broach the subject of legal advise he won't consider it as he works full time and she is unemployed and has a 3 bed house fir them. It's so hard and I don't want to push my opinions as it seems to make things worse, make her more stubborn.

I'm finding it upsetting and stressful with my hormones. All I can really do is try be there for everyone. Bar the ex ofc... We do not get on

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