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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about going back?

10 replies

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 02/08/2011 17:28

Hello all! Was wondering for some opinions here as I don't think IABU but would always appreciate other ideas.

There's a bloke in our town who's known for erm, positioning his arse very close to ladies backsides at bars and gradually pushing himself closer to the point where you have to edge away further and further as he continues or just walk away. God noly knows what he's getting out of this! Now, it pisses me off that everyone knows this guy does this, and it is a bit of a "joke" but nothing seems to be done about it.

I've managed to get myself a bit of cash in hand bar work this hol (yay!) and I've seen this bloody guy do it to so many women who come into the place, some of whom look very uncomfortable and almost all end up moving but do not say anything.

Last night I finished my shift and was having a pint that someone had bought me. Was tried and a bit grumpy about the prospect of walking home, when this bloody guy started to do the exact same thing. He's done it before and also said some quite sexually nasty stuff to me when hammered. The chap I was talking to could see it and asked me if I was ok. After about 10 minutes I had edged about 3 yards from where I was originally sitting and just snapped "Could you move away from me X as I'm almost on top of Y here and I don't think he likes it very much!"

Anyway, there was a bloody awkward silence, and the bloke left soon after apologising about 1000 times to me. But he doesn't mean it as he does it so often. Did I do the right thing? I don't think it's at all ok to do what he does (which also includes, when he gets very drunk, telling people that he'd love a good grab of their arse) but should I have had a quiet word rather than snap?

The general consensus about this guy is that he's "harmless really." I don't agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 02/08/2011 17:30

Oh damn, forgot to address the "should I worry about gonig back?" Well basically I have been invited for a birthday pint for a friend at half six and am worrying this bloke will be there, or that I might be cold-shoulderedd for having a go at this guy. :-(

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 02/08/2011 17:31

You were right to snap. If everyone made a point of saying it loud and clear, he might (only might) be embarrassed enough to stop doing it. And/or he might get a punch in the face from someone's boyfriend which would discourage him even more!

AMumInScotland · 02/08/2011 17:32

I don't think anyone would cold-shoulder you for having a go - and if they do, they're as bad as he is. But I think you'll get respect for not putting up with it.

GollyHolightly · 02/08/2011 17:36

Eww. What a creep. You definitely did the right thing by snapping, I hope there were plenty of people who heard it to embarrass him even more.

Go back at 6 for your birthday drinks and if he does it again, tell him not to again (loudly). He's been getting away with it because so many women are conditioned not to complain and will often even feel that they are in the wrong somehow. How on earth is the woman in the wrong when a bloke does something like that?

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 02/08/2011 17:39

Thank you both.
Golly - that is EXACTLY it! Whay do we feel like this when we have clearly done nothing wrong? I'm annoyed with myself - when I woke up this morning I immediately started thinking "Oh hell, I shouldn't have done that...he'll be so embarrassed...etc" Stupid!

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AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 17:43

What does the owner/manager of the bar say to all this?

Surely they can't allow this tosser to keep hounding women?

GollyHolightly · 02/08/2011 17:43

What's that thing you can do if you find a random hand on your arse?

It goes something along the lines of grabbing the wrist, holding up the hand and saying loudly 'Does anyone know who this grubby hand belongs to, because it was touching my bum' - or words to that effect (btw I cannot quote for the life of me, I'm sure someone else will remember the line better!)

I think the guilty feeling about the possibility of being in the wrong is all about female subservience, and how society drums it into us from a very early age. It's like feminism was never invented, sometimes Hmm

Anyway, good for you for speaking up. Enjoy your pint Smile

DogsBestFriend · 02/08/2011 17:45

Bloody good for you!

I knew a guy who did this in a friend's bar which I used to help out at. We women soon learned to call him on it (loudly) which stopped him for the night but he's come in another time and start again so we alerted my friend and he was barred.

(Hang on, yours isn't a Herts bar is it??!!).

I'd be more concerned that the bar is allowing him to get that ratarsed - it's illegal to serve drunks. It indicates to me that they care more for profit than their staff or female customer's safety and wellbeing.

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 02/08/2011 17:46

AgentZigZag, this is the frustrating thing! I think last year someone did kick up quite a big fuss in a bar in town, and this chap went AWOL for a while. But nobody does anything! Nobody. In fact after he'd gone last night the bar owner made a snotty comment about what a surplus of rum there'd be now.

Golly, I would never have the guts to try that, though I would be in full admiration if I saw anyone else doing it!

OP posts:
Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 02/08/2011 17:48

No, not Herts, DogsBestFriend, though I suspect all counties have their fair share of them!

It indicates to me that they care more for profit than their staff or female customer's safety and wellbeing.

This is undoubtedly true. No question. It's a very male-dominated place.

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