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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to decide to end this friendship?

20 replies

superv1xen · 27/07/2011 12:09

i have posted here before about my friend. dp cheating on her and treats her like shit, uses her as a skivvy and she won't leave him

she leans on me and i have tried to advise and help her as best i can but i honestly cannot see why she won't leave him or at least stand up for herself.

it has got to the stage now where he is pretty much blatantly carrying on his affair under her nose, staying out all the time with OW making out he is doing things like taking her shopping, doing diy for her etc Hmm and now several of her neighbours have seen her dp and OW together but its like she is turning a blind eye

i don't want to see her anymore because when i do, i have to go to her house, she won't come to me or meet me anywhere else so i have to put up with his smug ugly face (he doesnt know i know about the cheating) and pretend i like him when i hate him and have to bite my lip to stop myself blurting out exactly how much of a cunt i think he is

the way i see it, i have tried my best to help her but she won't help herself and i can't waste the emotional energy getting upset about it on her behalf anymore. it sounds horrible to abandon a friend but i just can't do it anymore.

i dont intend to make a big thing out of it and say, "i'm not your friend anymore!" (in manner of a 5 year old) but just to phase out being in touch with her and seeing her iygwim.

OP posts:
Trifle · 27/07/2011 12:10

Why do you have to go to her house?

Why do you have to pretend you like him?

Sn0wflake · 27/07/2011 12:12

Of course you could just tell him what you think of him and then walk out of their house. OK I'm not sure it's a good idea but it is a tempting idea...

manicbmc · 27/07/2011 12:16

I can see why you wouldn't say anything to him. It'll just come back on her. Give her one last chance maybe. Tell her how it is. Tell her to get herself to a GUM clinic to make sure the twat hasn't passed her any diseases.

He may not be hitting her but she's a victim of mental abuse.

LadyThumb · 27/07/2011 12:27

Sounds like you have compassion fatigue. There are some people you can help, and others that you can't. Don't beat yourself up about it, just let things quietly drop.

MadamDeathstare · 27/07/2011 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/07/2011 13:42

It's a difficult one; how many of her other friends has this man already driven off? It's how abusers wirk.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/07/2011 13:43

Work, obv.

Angel786 · 27/07/2011 14:22

YABU. If she's a true friend you shouldn't drop her. Instead continue the friendship but without being the emotional support, explain to her it's not fair on you.

Why won't she meet you anywhere other than her house? Neutral ground would make things easier too.

joric · 27/07/2011 14:32

Please don't drop her- you can't solve this for her, it does sound like you have got 'compassion fatigue' but she's not ready to leave him.
It is wearing but maybe she needs you more than you think - just to be there and listen over and over again :( I feel v sad for your friend- don't dump her just ignore her pig of a husband.

joric · 27/07/2011 14:34

Agree about these sort of men driving off friends :(

Allinabinbag · 27/07/2011 14:35

Am I remembering correctly that you saw this man out and about with the OW and debated telling her (or was that someone else)? Your name rings a bell in relation to decisions over friends' affairs and what to do about them.

Very difficult for you if she's just put her head in the sand. I would contemplate telling her how difficult you are finding all this. I would say that you feel a bit frustrated. It's hard to say that to a friend, but sometimes I think gently challenging them can be ok (I've been on the receiving end of it over something else and although it's upsetting, I think there's only so many times friends should have to listen to the same story, especially if it is about you being a doormat!) On the other hand, plenty of people do decide to stay with unfaithful husbands. I guess it depends how much she is moaning about it.

Why do you have to go to her house? If the friendship only survives because you go there, it will fizzle anyway if you stop going around there.

jeckadeck · 27/07/2011 15:02

Does your friend seek your advice on her marriage/husband from you? or does she just not talk about it? If she's crying on your shoulder all the time and seeking your support but refusing to address it its one thing. If on the other hand she makes a point of not talking about it it may be because she doesn't want to/isn't ready to confront it and doesn't want your input. If its the latter then I think you have to respect her boundaries. I wouldn't drop her -- sometimes people for whatever reason aren't able to make the mental leap they need to make to leave a partner or take another form of relatively drastic action. At a time like this people quite often need quiet friendship from people who won't harangue them about failing to follow through on decisions and will allow them sometimes to be weak. Its at times like this that people really need their friends. If you find you're going over the same topics again and again and she's asking you for help and then failing to follow it then perhaps agree that this particular subject should be off limits for the time being. But please don't drop her. Her self esteem is probably at rock bottom right now and she needs friends.

robingood19 · 27/07/2011 15:22

dtetach yourself

robingood19 · 27/07/2011 15:22

It could be more trouble than its worth

Original poster
superv1xen · 27/07/2011 16:57

its a very sad situation

i've just got no choice but to step back i'm afraid. i just wanted to see what people think, and i am glad that most people don't think i'm a horrible friend for stepping away.

i don't know why i don't see her away from him. she makes excuses as to why meet ups have always got to be at her house.

and when i am there he sits there in the living room playing WOW on his PC being really noisy with his headset on pathetic fuck so we can hardly talk with all the noise anyway Hmm

OP posts:
stillstanding · 27/07/2011 17:01

This is a tough one. Completely understand why you have compassion fatigue but it sounds like your friend could really, really do with a friend ... Anyway you could just hang in there and try to support her even though she isn't doing what you think she should be doing?

utah · 27/07/2011 17:21

I would tell her that I would always be there for her but not in her house or in his company

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/07/2011 17:25

I agree with the others. I would step back a bit but don't shut the door completely so if she does decided enough is enough she can still approach you.

garlicbutter · 27/07/2011 17:34

Sounds like he won't let her go out to meet you.

Original poster
superv1xen · 28/07/2011 09:42

good plan utah i just cannot pretend anymore that i like him, and i don't want to spend any more time in his company.

but as others have said, i am not going to shut the door completely, i'll let her know i'm still there for her.

OP posts:
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