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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with DH

13 replies

SequinsAndSparkles · 26/07/2011 20:12

We have problems, with DHs inability to give anything/anybody his full attention. We spoke about this just last night.

He was supposed to be getting our 2yo DD to bed at half 7, took her upstairs to read her a story. I've just been upstairs to go to the bathroom and she is bouncing all over her bed, and DH is sat there on his iPhone

I asked him what he was doing. He says,

'Oh she's not ready to go to sleep yet, so I'm just doing this until she falls asleep'

Erm, she's 2. Its not up to her when she's ready to go to bed, she would bounce around all night if she could. And he's perched on the end of her bed with the phone, on the internet. This is not getting her to bed, it's being in the same room as her.

FFS. Wouldn't normally piss me off so much, but there have been so many things like this lately and it's doing my head in.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 26/07/2011 20:15

hmmm I can see that this is very annoying

DP does it too, if baby wakes he will go up to her and bring her down wide awake, when really he should try to settle her, get her back in her cot to go to sleep

how did the conversation go last night?

manicbmc · 26/07/2011 20:16

Hide his charger

addictedtofrazzles · 26/07/2011 20:17

YANBU

My DH is usually home 5-10mins before the DC go to bed and it has taken a lot of time of me 'nagging' and him realising that this time is not for him to wind them into spinning tops but to maintain the peace and calm so that they fall asleep swiftly.

I feel for you. Treat your DH like a small child - praise the good!!!! Remember to tell him when he has done a good job - it might inspire him to work a bit harder at bedtime...!

AuntiePickleBottom · 26/07/2011 20:17

Or turn off the wifi

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/07/2011 20:18

Is he unable to give anybody his full attention?

His boss, for example. Does he mess about on his phone in meetings?

At the doctors. Does he stare out of the window while his GP is speaking?

Is he truly incapable of giving anyone his full attention?

I think it is important for you to know what you are actually dealing with.

If he can't ever at any point give anyone his attention
or
he can give his full attention in matters that he chooses to or with people he feels deserve his full attention and he chooses who that is.

Original poster

SequinsAndSparkles · 26/07/2011 20:20

Well basically, we were talking about the fact that he never seems to be able to focus on anything. He got in trouble at work, because he has linked up his laptop with his work computer, so that he could play Football Manager while he was at work! He didn't think that he would get caught, but he did, and got a warning. I was obviously so pissed off as this is incredibly childish and I just don't understand it.

There have been issues with his inability to focus on anything for a while, just the little things like not listening to me properly when I'm speaking, not properly paying attention to DD. But after this at work, we agreed that he needs to learn to focus more on what he is actually doing. But now I find that instead of actually making sure DD goes to sleep, he's sat browsing the fucking internet. Why couldn't it just wait ten minutes until she was asleep? It's the only time he sees her all day fgs.

OP posts:

Original poster

SequinsAndSparkles · 26/07/2011 20:44

anybody else?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2011 20:49

I'm a bit shocked at him playing football manager at work, that's totally inappropriate (although I'm sure all the posters who are MNing from work are being totally reasonable )

Has he been like this all his life, or is something stressing him out and he's trying to get some escapism?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/07/2011 20:57

sorry. got kicked off pc.

My thinking was that either he has a real problem with focusing, prioritising and attention span that affects every area of his life, or he can't be arsed in certain situations.

Sounds like it might be the former?

In which case, he would benefit from some help. Things like time management and other training.

Original poster

SequinsAndSparkles · 26/07/2011 20:57

No he has generally been like this all the time I've known him, he's 23, we started seeing each other when he was at uni so obviously he was a bit like that then, but so was everybody! It's just come to light more since having a toddler who requires attention, since he's had a proper job which requires him to be focused.

The thing with football manager at work, is that it's not like cheekily checking facebook when your not so busy, he went to the trouble of linking his work computer up to his laptop, so that he can run the game at work! And he would get annoyed with me when I needed to use the laptop (I work from home) and mither constantly so that he could play, when he's at work. There are things like this all the time, last time it was my lie in, DD came upstairs and woke me up, and I came downstairs to find DH asleep on the sofa.

Thankfully, she came straight upstairs...but god forbid if she'd tried doing anything else. I was furious, and haven't felt comfortable leaving him alone with her because he just can't seem to focus. I feel like I have two children, and he is the more demanding.

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TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/07/2011 21:02

Yes. He sounds very childish.

Perhaps it is just that he needs to grow up?

What would happen if you just challenged him? "Why don't you want to interact with your daughter?" "Why is it difficult to put down your phone and sort something out?"

He really is so young. 23 is just a kid these days. Not like when I was that age and 23 was a grown up! lots of 23yr olds these days are living with their parents and faffing about with games all day. He needs to realise that's not the world he lives in. He is a father.

Don't fall into the role of mother, nagging etc. Because he will happily fall into the role of sulky child and that's not going to make for a happy relationship.

Original poster

SequinsAndSparkles · 26/07/2011 21:15

I have tried, we go round in circles all the time. The thing is, he knows he's in the wrong when these things happen, he doesn't try and deny that the things can't keep happening, but it just seems to happen over and over again.

Your right though, I completely hate feeling like his mother. It sucks all of the energy out of me, I'm not naturally an uptight person, I'm quite laidback..but when it's stuff like this, and I have to say it, it's just such hard work. He won't even shower unless I say, 'You haven't showered in over a week, don't you think that you should have one?' I have to remind him constantly about brushing DD's teeth if I'm not there to do it. All of these kind of things. I hate it, I don't want to be saying all of these things.

Sorry, I don't mean to ramble, I guess it's all just coming out.

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/07/2011 21:22

Sounds like it needs to.

What's good about him? If the good stuff makes up for the not so good stuff, then it can help to keep reminding yourself of all the ways in which he is totally amazing.

He sounds like a kid. And the sad thing is that you cannot make someone grow up. It is something that happens naturally, in its own time. It is not something that you can force. Its a state. You grow into an adult over time, through experience. Maturing is a process. and it's a totally individual process.

What do you want? is he capable of giving you that? what will you do if not? How do you want your life to go? Are you happy to wait for him to 'catch up'? Do you feel there is some other thing that could help?

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