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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed/ do I expect too much?

23 replies

LittleBoSqueak · 23/07/2011 20:18

My dd has left teeth marks in her wooden blinds, cut a hole in the chair in her bedroom, drawn on her wardrobe, cut her hair, cut her clothes, smeared make up all over her bedroom wall. Not all in one day but.....

At 6 can I not expect better behaviour than this?

OP posts:
PurpleLostPrincess · 23/07/2011 20:26

Don't take this the wrong way, but how has she had access to your makeup? When has she done these things? I know it's hard to watch them every minute, but I would keep things like scissors and makeup out of reach, I do with DD2 who is 3.

Having said that, these things do happen but perhaps not to that degree. I'd be more concerned about why she feels the need to destroy things...

SkelleyBones · 23/07/2011 20:27

She's bored I would guess

Original poster
LittleBoSqueak · 23/07/2011 20:29

She is 6 so has childrens scissors for making things. I don't wear make up it was hers in a little childrens set. I have taken these things away now....

I don't think she is bored as we are always out and about.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 23/07/2011 20:30

YANBU

Yes, at 6 she shouldn't be doing this. She shouldn't these things at any age tbh

Is this a one-off? Is there something behind it?

You know this is not reasonable behaviour or you wouldn't have posted I guess :(

Original poster
LittleBoSqueak · 23/07/2011 20:38

Actually curryspice I am genuinely unsure if it was reasonable because I am a SAHM and sometimes think I am too fusy about the house.

We have a horrid situation with their dad which flares periodically but that is all she has ever known.

Her sister 11 treats me like dirt and ignores what she doesn't want to do and I feel so powerless. Younger dd was such an easy child but I guess she is starting to copy her sister.

OP posts:
UKSky · 23/07/2011 20:42

LittleBoSqueak you poor thing. DD not anywhere near your age so can't really give too much advice but it doesn't sound like good behaviour. From your latest post it sounds like she is copying your elder DD.

I think you need to address the issues with your elder DD as your younger DD is definitely taking a leaf out of her book.

Good luck.

fatfingers · 23/07/2011 20:42

YANBU to expect better behaviour. However, what was your response when she cut a hole in a chair? How do you deal with bad behaviour?

fatfingers · 23/07/2011 20:46

I would also say that my dd (also 6) has cut her hair and drawn on her bedroom wall on a couple of occasions so don't think that your dd's behaviour is all that unusual. Depends how often she is doing these things and was the damage to property deliberate destruction or was she playing?

CurrySpice · 23/07/2011 20:48

No hon. None of it is reasonable and even one of those tings would be a big big deal in this house :(

Original poster
LittleBoSqueak · 23/07/2011 20:50

Its a combination of deliberate destruction eg cutting the hole in the chair and playing e.g with the makeup.

I don't feel like I have any control of them. I try taking away their favourite things, taking away treats, staying in and not doing the cinema, meals out etc but they just ignore me. Nothing seems to work.

I am a single mum.

OP posts:
Greenshadow · 23/07/2011 20:51

I'm afraid you really should be expecting better than this OP.

This is not just a bored child.

I don't have any real answer, but do think you will need to be firm about what is acceptable and what isn't and damaging property is not.

Good luck.

RitaMorgan · 23/07/2011 21:00

Maybe you would benefit from doing a parenting course? Children's centres often run them.

Hippee · 23/07/2011 22:41

LittleBoSqueak - you're going to get a lot of judgey mums on here telling you that you should just not accept this kind of behaviour and that it is down to your parenting skills - don't get too discouraged by this (if you're like me, you will be only to ready to accept that it's your fault, but try not to - from what you are saying, you are trying the right kind of things). Many parents don't have to deal with extremely challenging children, who don't respond to the usual punishment/reward suggestions, so hang on for the people who have - and maybe have come out of the other end with some useful suggestions. My DS1 sounds very similar to your DD and I am constantly depressed about his behaviour - last year I posted about him and some helpful souls said that if I could not control a 3 year-old I might as well give up Sad

I haven't given up, like RitaMorgan suggested, I have asked about parenting courses (none available right now, but I'm on the waiting list). Visits from the health visiting team have so far been useless - they can only suggest reward charts and the naughty step - neither of which work with DS1. I keep reading different books to get new approaches (just received one which is touted as the "magic" solution - will keep you posted if, by some miracle, it works Hmm).

I really wish you the best with your daughters and hope that it works out - and hope that someone with some good ideas comes along (I'll be taking notes too). Big hug (if that's not too netmumsy Grin).

namechange100 · 23/07/2011 22:53

little what do you do/say when you find one of these little creative mishaps? If DS (5) is nuaghty I simply take away something he is really into and I tell him very clearly why and why he should not have done what he did. Or it might be something he really wanted to do. Maybe she is only allowed to play somewhere downsatirs and not in her big girl bedroom until she shows mummy how she looks after her things better. Just stand back and work out what hjer currency is then use it to your advantage.

And FWIW I give my DS a good telling off and I make clear distinction what is naughty behaviour and what is good boy behaviour I always say I love you very much but I am very upset and annoyed about what you have done and link this to consequence.

Next time she plays in bedroom loads of positive reinforcement now thats much better etc./stickers/gets toy back whatever you've took away.

HTH and hasnt patronised you just what i do and works for me.

menagerie · 23/07/2011 22:59

All of the things you've described sound quite impulsive and hyper. Have you tried simplifying her diet? (I don't want to be one of those mums Hippee's mentioned who give advice when they haven't been through it, but i can't help wondering.) My DS is 9 now and recently has started behaving like a toddler again - he's almost never naughty on purpose, but there's lots of really impulsive destructive behaviour. It seems to happen every summer when all the end of term sweets come out and they are shattered from endless sports days and fetes and swimming galas. If it gets too much I put him on a plain food diet (no sugar, no processed foods) and within two days he's better again.

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 23/07/2011 23:06

Forget the parenting course. I have just finished a 12 week course. I have yet to stop my DCs talking to me like a piece of shite, ignoring my requests, laughing at me when I threaten to ground them.
Do not have the answer but you do have my sympathy.

TheFrogs · 23/07/2011 23:23

Oh dear, that would drive me nuts. My dd never did that at age 6 but she was a bit of a nightmare when she was younger, she tore my house apart...something I was totally unprepared for as her brother was such a good kid!

Is the bedroom where she has to play? You said you were a bit fussy about the house is why I ask...are they not allowed to bring toys downstairs? (Just questions, not judgement). If they are only allowed to play upstairs boredom could be a lot to do with it.

Hippee · 23/07/2011 23:41

namechange100 and menagerie - I didn't mean to put people off giving advice - sorry LittleBoSqueak if I have done so! The more people that give advice the better. It's just the people who say that it's a problem but don't have any suggestions that I (probably unfairly) object to.

With DS1 it's a lot to do with tiredness (he's the youngest in the school year and has just finished reception - he's been shattered all year) - any advice on how to make him less tired (he sleeps 12 hours at night)? Will double check his diet too.

menagerie · 24/07/2011 13:29

Hippee my DS is summer born too. They are just so whacked trying to keep pace, especially in sports, with the kids who are older and stronger and taller than them.
Is he drinking enough fluid? My son can go all day without a glass of water unless i sneak it into him by adding lots of coloured straws to the glass so he hoovers it up quickly.

ElectricSoftParade · 24/07/2011 13:42

Little God, that sounds hard. Sadly I have no real advice as am experiencing something similar with my DS who will be 7 next month.

Out and out boast not steathy at all Grin He has been put into G&T at school for reading, writing and maths. Of course I am beyond proud but his behaviour is awful and I sometimes just feel like walking out. He had serious health issues from birth and spent 9 months in intensive care which was hell. But this day-to-day living has just ground me down. Last week I spoke to the school and they are going to try to get me some type of parenting support. Sorry have to go now as friends have arrived for lunch but will come back later.

Keep at it petal x

Kladdkaka · 24/07/2011 14:01

My daughter was exactly like this at that age. I used to despair. People used to tell me to lay down firmer boundaries, be stricter, take things away from etc. Went on numerous parenting courses, because obviously it's my fault, and have read every parenting book every published (slight exaggeration there). Nothing worked and people didn't believe me when I said that, they thought I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Then someone on another mums forum sent me a book on Aspergers. I thought that was a bit mad, she's obviously not autistic, but I read it anyway. It was her life story. Perceived as being normal but defiant - check. Normal reward/punishment systems have no effect - check. Look up in a rolling eyes sort of way when being told off - check. Gets really angry and abusive if you try to get them to do anything other than what they are doing now - check. A year later her diagnosis was confirmed. I just wish I'd known what I was dealing with 10 years earlier.

I was a single parent too, so I know how difficult it is. (((Hugs)))

FabbyChic · 24/07/2011 14:12

You need to be firmer. She shouldn't do any of the things you mention.

Hippee · 24/07/2011 19:44

OP - with hindsight you should probably have listed this under "Behaviour/development" or "Parenting" - to avoid constructive comments from posters like Fabbychic Wink

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