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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want husband to quit his bands

25 replies

booberella · 21/07/2011 23:50

My LO is only 3 weeks old and my hubby has two gigs coming up- one for each of his bands. I don't begrudge him the odd night out (not that I've managed to have any!) but before gigs he obviously has to practice loads and spend lots of time writing backing tracks. Since LO has been born- he has spent half of one day off writing music on his computer, he was out during another day off from 10am till 2pm at practice, and he was planning on being out tomorrow from 9am till 7pm at another practice, then at a recording studio the rest of the night! As he works full time he only gets two days off a week, and isn't home after work until 6.30pm.
AIBU to have put my foot down and say I want him to quit the bands for now as I need more support? He has agreed but I feel guilty

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 21/07/2011 23:52

He shouldn't give things up completely!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/07/2011 23:56

I think he needs to back off / be more realistic about what he can do, but not quit entirely. That way lies misery and resentment.

If this is your first, he's still working out where he fits in with the whole business since at the moment, it all revolves around you and the baby.

You need to be clear about what you need him to do. And since you're only just working that out for yourself, you need to say " I need to work this out with you and if you're not here, I can't involve you" ? Perhaps.

timsmithisagenius · 21/07/2011 23:56

Aha the new deal is that he doesn't have to give up things completely... However you do? Takes two to make a baby, and two to look after it. Don't feel guilty otherwise you will find yourself with absolutely no life at all while he carries on just as before. It;s not too much to ask for him to take a break for a while (unless of course he is in bands about to break into the BIG TIME and earn you millions...).

bubblesincoffee · 22/07/2011 00:05

Yabu to ant him to quit both bands completely.

Couldn't he still do one of them?

I think it's important to keep some of who you were before when you have a baby, you will get bored with eachother otherwise.

It works both ways though, and when you are ready again, you should get time to do your thing too.

shakey1500 · 22/07/2011 00:06

Ooooh I don't know.

Truly you need support with the new baby but is it a massive part of his life? Can he still be involved yet the times he isn't (and isn't working) totally focus on giving you a break/whatever support you like so it works for both of you?

I'm torn because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would crumble without my acting output. Granted the boot is on the other foot for me (couldn't do any for a good 8 months after ds was born). I rely heavily on dh and other family members, juggling works shifts, to indulge in my passion but I couldn't envisage my life NOT doing it. It's that important to me.

I guess I'm empathising if it is a huge part of his life, on the creative side. BUT obviously this is a precious time for you both also with a newborn so if it is feasible (as another poster said, unless he's on the verge of something big) for him to put it on the back burner, then family comes first.

Hope you find a compromise where you're both happy.

squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 00:14

Is this a hobby, or does he also earn extra money from these gigs?

Babyramone · 22/07/2011 00:52

I think you both need to sit down and chat about a solution. At the moment his bands are taking priority or at least appears that way.

I don't think you can ask him to completely give up his interest esp if it makes him happy but take it from some who is also a band widow it can make you very resentful. My dh is very much part of a music scene and it often takes precedence over his time with us. Tbh it (amongst other things so don't worry) has ruined our marriage.
Just be honest with him and hopefully you'll come to compromise which suits you both.
I made mistake of not saying anything as didn't want to appear controlling and now really regret that. My whole life changed his didn't.

Good luck

Original poster

booberella · 22/07/2011 06:03

Unfortunately I don't think he's about to crack the UK music charts!! He very rarely even gets paid for a gig (except sometimes in cider!) and usually just plays the same venue.
I suggested that perhaps he just tone it down a bit- he claimed that would be unfair to his other band members so it would be better for him to quit entirely. For now at least- one of the bands won't replace him and will be waiting for him to return when dd is a bit older. But I think the other- his favourite, will advertise for a new member.
To complicate matters further, his little brother had his first baby 18 months ago- he was also in a (pretty successful about to break the big time any moment) band which took up loads of his time- he quit before his ds was even born. I feel a little upset that DH didn't even consider leaving either of his until I mentioned I was struggling. And let's be clear, my words were "tone it down", he is the one who says "quit".

OP posts:

FlubbaBubba · 22/07/2011 06:21

Well then he's made his choice IMO. If you're happy for him to take a back seat for a bit while the two of you settle your new baby in (congratulations by the way! :)), and he chooses a total break instead, that's his bag, but he's got to be happy with his decision and not throw it back in your face at a later stage.

joric · 22/07/2011 06:43

Flubba, was going to say same about resentment...
I don't think we should ask our DHs to give up their hobbies- he needs to rearrange/ prioritise time to make sure he's not leaving you to do all of the work... Maybe just step back a bit?

N.B. It won't always be as hard on you... I actively encourage DH to
leave me in peace enjoy his interests now that DD is older! Ha!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2011 06:54

I've played in bands and you're either in or out. There's no half-measures really. Presumably you talked about this before you had a baby?.....

jeckadeck · 22/07/2011 08:31

tricky one this because I can understand how you feel with a newborn, but I think if you start asking him to quit what (presumably) is one of the greatest joys of his life you're storing up a lot of resentment. I also note what Cogito says that if you're in a band the other band members aren't going to take too kindly to your saying you need to scale down your involvement because of childcare. Is one of the bands more serious/time-consuming than the other? If so could you ask him to think about dropping the less serious one? Failing that I don't know what to suggest because I do think there are likely to be negative side-effects associated with asking someone to give up one of their consuming passions in life.

TimeWasting · 22/07/2011 08:36

If they're more of a hobby it's not at all unreasonable for you to want him to spend less time on it while you have a small baby.
It's different if the band is actually going anywhere.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/07/2011 08:54

I disagree that it's different, TimeWasting, the time spent on practice is either an issue or it isn't. OP's husband already works full time so whether his band is going anywhere or not is irrelevant, he's not some kind of cash-cow, the band is for sheer enjoyment.

It's a shame that he has to quit; I can understand why it's not possible to crank the hours down, it's really all or nothing. OP... don't feel disappointed that your husband didn't quit before the birth of your baby, your BIL obviously felt very differently about playing and perhaps would have quit anyway.

I hope your husband can pick this up again in the future - and for you also to have some time to yourself.

pointydog · 22/07/2011 09:08

Makes sense to cut it down to two bands.

If he's not getting paid then it should be possible to cut back on the one band he is left with as well. Perform once a month rather than every week, or whatever.

It would be good if he could keep it up to some extent as it gives so much pleasure and you need to grab what pleasure you can in life.

pointydog · 22/07/2011 09:09

I meant cut it down to one band.

TimeWasting · 22/07/2011 09:11

Of course it's different. If the band is for fun, he can pick it up again later.
If the band is on the verge of getting somewhere the chance will be lost.
I'm not talking about money really. There's sod all money in music.

Original poster

booberella · 22/07/2011 09:16

Thanks for all your comments! I also forgot to mention that we have just bought a new house which needs completely rennovating, which is being done by DH! After being awake most if the night worrying I finally woke DH up at 5.50am to talk about it- I suggested all these options- keeping one band, asking the other members if they'd cut back a bit, maybe even getting a temporary replacement for a while- he was adamant he's going to quit, so at least now I feel it's slightly more his decision too and it's not just me forcing him into it. We'll just have to see how things go and hope he doesn't hate me too much further down the line!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/07/2011 09:20

But if the time's not there, TimeWasting, it's not there. 'On the verge' can be quite indefinite. I do see what you mean though.

SmethwickBelle · 22/07/2011 09:24

I am sure you can compromise - if he spends the Saturday night doing band stuff he does bedtime and night duty on Sunday.

If he's writing on Saturday mornings then you get Sunday mornings for your lie in.

If he's away ALL Saturday then he has a "daddy day" with the baby all Sunday.

If you are BF that can be worked into the above.

I think my husband was the first time when I suggested he took the baby all Sunday as he'd been pursuing his hobby all Saturday but now it is the norm to share time off. I should add he's a fab hands on dad and the one on one time he has spent with the boys this way has really benefited them both.

pointydog · 22/07/2011 09:29

Must admit, I don't know how anyone can work full-time, deal with a new baby and renovate a house.

VelveteenRabbit · 22/07/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/07/2011 09:32

I think if you have a baby (and buy a house that needs renovating), then you can't carry on as if neither of those things existed. There are only 24 hours in a day, so if you can't do all the things you have to do, like work and child care and DIY and still have time for hobbies, then something's got to give. The least important of these things is the hobby.

OP, don't feel bad or guilty about this and don't accept resentment later. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to become a parent or buy a house that needs a lot of work doing to it.

Sounds like he has already realised that he can't do everything. Plenty of time later for his hobby.

Original poster

booberella · 22/07/2011 09:51

VelveteenRabbit- as a first time parent I obviously had no idea what it would be like having a baby- being a very independent person I believed I would be fine by myself while DH was doing band things. Obviously I have struggled more than I thought I would and really need his help whenever, and as much as I can get it. My hobby was exercise, which only took up an hour a day and yes, I have completely given it up. I expect I will return to it when LO is older but at the minute I have to make sacrifices.

OP posts:

VelveteenRabbit · 22/07/2011 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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