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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD visiting a smoking house

15 replies

WienerDog · 19/07/2011 10:47

Now I don't know what to do here. My DD has a best friend who is a really nice little girl. Recently they have started to visit each other's houses more, and here is where my problem lies - because the friend's parents smoke, and I mean REALLY REALLY smoke. Their house is the smokiest house I have EVER been in! I don't mind so much our house smelling of smoke after the friend has been here because I can air it out eventually, but after DD has been visiting her, she is completely impregnated with it - even washing her hair and clothes doesn't entirely get rid of it, and I can't wash her coat etc every day!! I do worry about what being around all the smoke is doing to my daughter's lungs, and also worry about bad examples (she's already told me out of the blue how much she likes it when someone smokes near her). Am I being unreasonable and paranoid? I really don't want to spoil her friendship, particularly as she has always found it difficult to make friends, but I truly hate the smoke.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/07/2011 10:51

This happens here. Dd is best friends with a girl. The smoke smell lingers forever, but at 15 I cantban her going. The smoke goes stale eventually, which us worse.

Won't do their lungs any good at all, they might as well be smoking it, but even being with her in the street/ at school seems to pick up the smell.

Fuzzled · 19/07/2011 13:13

I've been the friend of your DD as both my parents smoked.
Please don't stop your daughter being friends with this girl - trust me, she is probably ware of the smell and nagging her parents daily... I was.
Maybe suggest more time at yours/elsewhere instead?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2011 13:16

Don't worry about her lungs. I spent 7 years travelling to and from school (1.5 hours each way) on double-deckers when it was acceptable to smoke upstairs... and upstairs was pretty much the only place any self-respecting kid would sit. I must have reeked like a chimney but am in rude health regardless.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2011 13:18

Should add.... the smoke was so thick and foul that I never fancied taking it up as a hobby myself. Sort of aversion therapy rather than anything to be copied.

5Foot5 · 19/07/2011 13:27

I grew up in the same house as a smoker. My Dad always smoked in the hous and in the car. My Mum did not smoke and regularly complained about the smoky smell. Eventually he switched to pipe smoking as she could tolerate the smell of that better. But it was still really, really smoky.

FWIW my sisters and I grew up without any chest or lung complaints and no inclination to smoke ourselves.

cornflakegirl · 19/07/2011 13:28

Cogito - personally, the story of one passive smoker whose health wasn't affected wouldn't persuade me that there are no risks to it.

I think I would encourage visits at your house rather than the friends as much as possible. How well do you know the parents? Can you be honest (in a nice way) with them about the reason?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2011 13:32

I'm not saying there are no risks. But visiting a smoker's house a few times a week has to be fairly low down on the risk list when compared with sitting in the confines of a smoke-filled double-decker bus, a cramped pub or living with a smoker on a permanent basis. Offering a little perspective.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 19/07/2011 13:41

A tricky one. I was a bit Shock the other day when dd's friend's mum smoked in the car giving her a lift. (It was only a 10 minute journey, surely she could have waited?) Her clothes and hair stank.

It is less usual nowadays for parents to smoke around children. I think it is a really ignorant/pig-headed thing to do now that so much is known about the dangers of it.

Probably I would do as others have said and encourage playing over at yours as much as poss. If your dd was asthmatic or something it would present an immediate and serious problem, in which case I would probably have to say something to the parents, or stop her visiting and explain why. As it is is you just have to decide how important it is.

Original poster
WienerDog · 19/07/2011 14:05

Many thanks for the various opinions. I do wonder whether I could somehow suggest to the friend's mum that visits at my place would be easier ... but I don't know how she would react. She is considerably younger than I am, from a very different social and educational background etc etc, which adds an extra layer of difficulty and embarrassment.

I know that visiting the friend's house occasionally is hardly a major risk, but I'm a parent, I don't want my daughter to have any unnecessary risks in her life!! My grandfather was a lifelong smoker BTW: his daughter (my mother) suffered no ill-effects at all, but his wife (a non-smoker) died early from emphysema. Plus, my father smoked for 20 years and although he quit when he married, he died from heart disease when I was young, to which I'm sure smoking contributed.

I agree with LieIns ... I am amazed that people smoke around children in view of all that is known now.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 19/07/2011 15:26

I would encourage her to come to you as much as possible so as to minimise visits, but would allow the odd visit. Until a few years ago we were all passive smokers, it's not that long ago you had people smoking in cares, on buses etc. Ime most people don't smoke around children now, but I would think the risks of passive smoking would be quite low for someone who is an occasional visitor, as opposed to somebody who lives with a smoker or works in a smoky atmosphere.

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 16:00

I don't mind so much our house smelling of smoke after the friend has been here because I can air it out eventually

Your DD's friend smokes in your house when she visits you?

Original poster
WienerDog · 19/07/2011 16:07

No, she doesn't smoke, but since she is impregnated with smoke she carries the smell around with her ... poor thing

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 19/07/2011 16:15

Poor child. I went to school with a girl whose parents both smoked (a lot) in the home. Her and her siblings stank of cigarettes. If my mother gave her a lift home the car would still smell of cigarettes the next morning. The parents thought it was fine because they didn't light up when a child was actually in the room - the mother would smoke 2/3 cigs in the kitchen and then let call the children into a smoke filled room to eat their tea. I couldn't visit her properly because of asthma. I thought people knew better than to do this nowadays.

JamieAgain · 19/07/2011 16:18

Your daughter said she likes it when people smoke near her?????

complexnumber · 19/07/2011 16:54

I think we (non-smokers) are so much more sensitive to the smell of stale tobacco than we used to be.

For years I would have no problem walking into a smoke filled pub and have a great time.

I would get home and all my clothes and hair would stink. I didn't think anything of it.

I probably have my 1970's head on wrt health issues, but I really don't think your DD going round her friends house a couple of evenings a week will have any serious implications. I used to travel to school on the tube in the morning, we would sit in a smokers' carriage (friends would like a crafty fag) for nearly an hour each way. Though it's not like we were in Roy Castle's position of several hours each night.

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